A Shattered Love
by happysunshine01
Summary: After spending one night together, the lives of Hotch and JJ are completely changed. They try to forget but they can't. JJ is supposed to marry Will. Will Hotch stop her before it is too late? Will he ever have a second chance with the woman he loves?
1. The Past

**A/N: This is a story that I wrote a long time ago. I finally decided to post it. This story is a one-shot, unless people would like me to continue with this story. Let me know what you think.**

**I don't own criminal minds.**

* * *

''_**What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose.''**_

_**Henry Ward Beecher**_

* * *

JJ was standing in front of the mirror in her wedding dress. She was about to marry Henry's dad. Marrying someone was supposed make you feel happy. JJ wasn't feeling happy, she was feeling like she was making a mistake. But how could she not marry the father of her child. The man that had given up so much for her. JJ loved Will, she really did but at the same time her heart was aching for someone else. Someone she had spent one night with after an extremely hard case. They found solace in each other. One thing led to another and they slept together. He was the man JJ had been in love with for years. He was just never available. He was married when she met him and she wasn't planning on sleeping with a married man. JJ knew that Hotch was attracted to her when he was still married. She noticed the looks and the way he acted around her when they were alone in a room together. Nothing ever happened until that one bad case. In that hotel room. They started off with talking and then it somehow just happened.

JJ heard a soft knock on the door. She walked towards the door to open it and on the other side of the door she saw Hotch standing. She flashed back to that night. Their one time together. The night that changed her life.

* * *

_JJ was sitting in her hotel room. She saw the faces of the little children. She saw their bodies. She couldn't believe that anyone could ever hurt a child like that, let alone nine children. The team couldn't save the last young boy from dying a horrible death. JJ felt useless and unworthy in that moment. _

_She had been with the BAU for at least six years. She was questioning why she was still doing this job. A job that was eating away at her in that moment. She needed comfort but she didn't know who she could talk to. She knew Hotch would understand her the most because he was a parent to. She had opted to call Will. He would probably tell her to come home and quit her job, when he knew her job meant everything to her. Will had always hated her job and it was also the thing they fought most about. He blamed her for being away from Henry too much and he told she wasn't a fit mother. JJ loved Will but sometimes she felt like she could strangle him. He was the father of her child and nothing could ever change that. _

_JJ stood up from the edge of the bed to change into something more comfortable until she heard a knock on the door. She walked to the door to open it._

''_I am coming.'' JJ said a little too loud._

_JJ opened the door and she saw Emily standing in the hallway with a slight smile on her face. JJ saw that Emily was wearing a little black dress and she knew right away that Emily was going out._

''_Hey JJ. The team is going out to a bar around the corner. Do you want to come?'' Emily asked._

''_No. I am tired, Em.'' JJ explained softly._

''_We all are. I know this case got to you, JJ. It got to all of us. Just come out for a drink. It will do you some good. Everyone is coming. Even Hotch!'' Emily said while walking into her friends room._

''_Hotch?''_

''_Yeah, Rossi convinced him. Let's pick an outfit for you.'' Emily said and she was already going through JJ's bag._

''_I have nothing I can wear to go out. Unlike you I pack for work.'' JJ joked._

''_Just wait a sec I think I have something perfect in my room.'' Emily said._

''_I will be here.'' JJ said and she watched Emily walked out of the room._

_JJ sat down on the edge of the bed. She let herself fall backwards onto the bed and she moaned out in frustration. JJ didn't realize her door was still open until she heard footsteps coming into the room._

''_Em, I don't think I am….'' JJ said when she noticed that Hotch was standing a few feet away from her bed. She sat up right away and she looked into his curious eyes._

''_Oh sorry Hotch. I thought you were Emily.'' JJ said._

''_I got that. Are going out to?'' he asked curiously._

''_I don't think I have a choice. Emily is practically forcing me.'' _

''_Are you okay?'' he asked with compassion. Hotch knew this case was emotional for JJ. He noticed her erratic behavior during the entire case._

_JJ wanted to answer his question but she was interrupted when Emily started talking before she was even in the room._

''_I found the dress JJ. Every guy is going to be checking you out. Maybe you will finally be satisfied since you aren't with Will….'' Emily said happily._

''_Emily!'' JJ said loudly._

''_Oh, hey Hotch!'' Emily said when she saw Hotch standing in the room with a questionable look on his face._

''_Hello Prentiss. I will let you get to it. I will see you both in ten minutes.'' Hotch said as he walked out of the hotel room._

''_Em! Oh my god. Hotch heard that!'' JJ screamed out._

''_So what? He likes you.'' _

''_He's my boss. He doesn't need to know anything about my sex-life. I can't believe you!'' JJ said with irritation in her voice._

''_Oh, hold your horses. We both know you don't really have a sex-life. You told me. Maybe you will if you put this dress on with these heels.'' Emily said as she handed JJ the dress and the heels._

''_I don't like you, right now.''_

''_I know.'' Emily joked._

_JJ walked into the bathroom and she put on the dress and she stepped into the high heels. She was used to walking on heels but these heels felt enormous to her. She pulled her long blonde hair out of the ponytail and she let it hang lose. She pulled a brush through her hair and quickly fixed her make-up. She looked in the mirror and she thought the dress was a little too short but she knew Emily was wearing a short dress which meant she wasn't the only one. JJ walked back into the room were Emily was impatiently waiting._

''_See. You look amazing, JJ.'' Emily said while standing up from the chair._

''_I hope it's not looking too amazing." JJ said as she followed her friend out of the hotel room._

_The guys were already in the bar. Morgan was asked to dance and he dancing with a couple of beautiful women. Reid was sitting at table with Hotch and Rossi, while he was listening to them discuss Hotch's relationship with Beth._

''_I think you should ask her out on a real date, Aaron.'' Rossi said while holding his glass of scotch._

''_I don't know Dave. I guess we will see.'' Hotch replied._

''_Normally a man like you would have already found a suitable companion. Widowed man are more likely to find a partner than a widowed woman.'' Reid explained quickly._

''_Thanks Reid. See, even the genius agrees with me.'' Rossi said._

''_I didn't actually agree with you, Rossi. It's a fact. You can't disagree with a fact.'' Reid added._

''_Ah, Reid is right.'' Hotch joked._

''_Do you have any idea if the ladies are coming?'' Rossi asked curiously._

''_I think so.'' Hotch said._

''_JJ and Emily are probably dressing up and all. You know the approximate time for a woman to get…'' Reid tried to say._

''_Reid we don't need you statistics on the approximate time for women to get ready.'' Hotch said quickly to stop a rambling Reid from giving him a headache._

''_Speak of the devils. There they are!'' Rossi said as he pointed to JJ and Emily walking into the bar._

_Hotch turned around and his eyes fell on JJ immediately. She was wearing a tiny dark blue dress that formed around her body perfectly. Hotch could see her beautiful long legs because the dress was short. JJ walked in like she owned the room and Hotch couldn't tear his eyes away from her. He finally looked away when they were only a few feet away._

_JJ saw Hotch's flustered face when she and Emily were closer to the table. JJ saw Rossi being pulled away by a beautiful brunette. JJ and Emily sat down at the table when they had ordered a beer. _

''_Hey!'' JJ said softly while looking at Hotch._

''_Hey!'' Hotch replied._

''_Reid, you need some dancing.'' Emily said and she pulled Reid away before he could do anything to object._

_JJ saw Hotch was barely looking at her. She noticed the nervousness in his face._

''_Hotch?'' JJ said softly while putting her hand over his._

_Hotch was startled by her touch and he suddenly looked at her._

''_Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.'' JJ apologized._

''_It's okay. I was just looking at Prentiss and Reid dancing.'' he lied easily._

''_Well, let's go dancing than.'' JJ said and she grabbed Hotch's hand. _

''_I am not really a dancer, JJ.'' he said._

''_Doesn't matter. Neither am I.'' JJ said._

_JJ pulled Hotch onto the dance floor and she moved closer towards him. Her hips started moving to the rhythm of the music. JJ saw Hotch just standing in front of her and she decided to make him move. JJ put Hotch's hands on her hips and she started moving again. Hotch was caught off guard by her move but he didn't take his hands away from her. JJ put her hands on his shoulders and she moved a little closer towards him. JJ finally felt Hotch moving with her. _

''_You can dance Hotch. You just need to loosen up a little.'' JJ said with smile on her face. She was starting to forget the horrible case they just worked on and she was actually having some fun. _

''_I will try.'' Hotch whispered softly in her ear._

_JJ held her breath when she felt him so close to her neck. She felt a shiver go through her entire body. Hotch noticed JJ's reaction when he moved towards her neck. He slowly moved away and he gave her a small smile._

_After dancing on a few songs, they both decided to get back to the table and have another drink. Reid and Emily were back at the table and they both looked very tired. _

''_I am beat. I think I am going to get some sleep. See you guys tomorrow!'' Reid said as he walked away._

''_How about you, Em? You seem pretty tired as well. Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to go out.'' JJ teased, knowing she was right._

''_You can tell me you were right when I am not having a headache from the drinking. Bye!'' Emily said and she followed Reid out of the bar._

_JJ and Hotch both laughed at Emily's comment. Before they could say anything they saw Morgan and Rossi coming back._

''_Nice to see you JJ.'' Morgan yawned._

''_I have been here for quite some time. I guess you were too busy with the ladies.'' JJ joked._

''_I think we are all tired. Maybe we should get back to the hotel.'' Hotch said as he stood up from his stool._

_Everyone followed Hotch out and they started walking back to the hotel. Rossi and Hotch were walking ahead of Morgan and JJ. JJ was teasing Morgan about the girls he was dancing with. Hotch heard JJ's laughter and he turned around a couple of times to see what they were laughing about._

_When they reached the hotel they all went into their rooms. JJ was about undress when she heard a soft knock on her door._

''_Coming!'' JJ said softly._

''_Hotch, what are you doing here?'' JJ asked surprised when she saw him standing behind her door._

''_Can I come in?''_

''_Of course. What's going on? You look serious all of a sudden. Did I do something wrong?'' JJ said and she just started rambling._

''_JJ, calm down. I just wanted to know how you are holding up. I know this case got to you and I want you to know that you can talk to me. I understand.'' he explained softly while sitting down next to JJ on the edge of the bed._

''_I just can't get the images of those children out of my head. I forgot for a while when we were in the bar but since the first night we got here I haven't been able to shake the images. I just feel like we could have done something more to have saved that little boy. If I had been in that room twenty seconds earlier he might have still been alive, Hotch.'' JJ said while she felt the tears stinging in her eyes. _

_JJ stood up from the bed to take a sweater out of her bag to make herself a bit more comfortable around Hotch. She didn't notice that Hotch was standing behind her. JJ suddenly felt two hands on her stomach and she was being pulled against Hotch's body. Hotch brought his mouth to her ear._

''_You did everything you could JJ. There was nothing else we could have done. This is not your fault. The only one you can blame is the unsub.'' Hotch whispered in her ear and he felt JJ shiver again._

''_Hotch what are you doing?'' JJ murmured when he softly kissed her neck._

''_Making you feel satisfied!'' Hotch groaned out when he put another kiss on JJ's soft neck._

_JJ blushed. She knew he heard Emily's comment but she was hoping he could forget about it. JJ didn't try to pull away from him. The moment he touched her, she felt an ache in her body. She had never felt that kind of electricity with such a soft touch. JJ arched her neck when Hotch started sucking at her soft skin._

''_Hotch!'' JJ moaned out softly._

''_JJ?'' he asked hoarsely._

_JJ didn't answer him and he took it as a sign to continue his actions. Hotch moved to the other side of her neck and he repeated the same movements. He let his hands roam around her stomach. He felt JJ jump slightly when he let his hands slide upwards to cup both of her breasts with his hands. Hotch felt her hard nipples through her bra and dress. He started softly massaging JJ's breasts and he heard her moan out in pleasure. Hotch felt himself harden with every moan. He pulled JJ closer to him, so she could feel how much he wanted her. Hotch wanted her since the first day she walked into his office._

''_Hotch.'' JJ moaned out again._

_Hotch let go of JJ and he groaned at the loss of contact with her body. He walked around her to stand in front of her. He cupped her face with one if his hands. He softly leaned towards her and he let his lips softly brush against hers for the very first time. JJ responded immediately by moving her lips against his. When she responded she felt Hotch becoming at bit more aggressive and he moaned out in pleasure when his tongue met hers. JJ let her hands slide down Hotch's pants and she touched his arousal through his pants. Hotch started panting when he felt JJ move her hands against his hardness. _

_Hotch let his hands roam around JJ's sides when he still had contact with her mouth. He moved away from her lips and he started to put a trail of kisses from her jaw to her chest. He felt her hands move up his chest to take of his tie. JJ threw his tie on the ground and she started unbuttoning his white dress shirt. JJ knew that what she was doing was wrong because she had a family back home but she lost her control when Hotch started kissing her neck. She wanted this. She wanted him for so long and she couldn't believe it was finally happening. _

_Hotch's suit jacket and shirt followed the same faith as his tie. Hotch let his hands slide down JJ's body to pull up her dress. He lifted her dress over her head and JJ cooperated by stretching her arms above her head. He let the dress fall to the ground and he took a few steps back to take in JJ's beautiful body._

''_You're so beautiful!'' he groaned as he looked at her lacy black bra and her matching panties._

_JJ stepped out of her heels and she walked towards Hotch. She gave him a hungry kiss on the mouth before she moved down to kiss him on his muscular chest. She kissed every scar he had from Foyet's attack. Hotch hands were searching for the clasp of her bra and he opened it. He took it of her and he took both of her breasts into his hands. He later leaned down to kiss her breasts and he heard JJ moan at his kisses. JJ was sick of his teasing and she decided to tease him right back. She pushed him onto the bed and she took off shoes and socks. She climbed on top of him. She bent down to kiss him on the lips and her hands moved down to his pants while his hands were exploring the area near her panties. JJ unbuckled his belt and she unzipped his pants. She climbed of him and she stepped on the floor. She pulled down his pants and after his pants his boxers followed. JJ suddenly was stunned to see his manhood. She never thought he would be that big. She never noticed it in his suits. She stood there frozen for a while and Hotch smirked when he saw her taking in his entire body._

''_See something you like?'' Hotch smirked._

''_Wow, uh, yeah. Sorry.'' JJ said._

_JJ walked back towards the bed and she sat down next to Hotch. She started softly touching him and she heard him groan out in pleasure. She leaned down to take him in her mouth and she felt Hotch's body tense up._

''_You are driving me crazy.'' he groaned._

''_Good.'' JJ teased as she moved onto his lap and she felt him pressing against her core._

_Hotch rolled them over and he was now on top of JJ. He tore of her panties and he made JJ laugh with his move._

''_You have no control.'' JJ joked._

''_I guess not.'' he said as he softly touched her wetness._

_He heard JJ moan but he couldn't control himself any longer. He wanted to make her his. Even though he knew it would only be for one night. He needed it and he had wanted it for too long._

_Hotch put his arousal against JJ and he started teasing her. He felt JJ move with him. _

''_Protection?'' he asked softly._

''_I am fine. I am on the pill and Will and I haven't…you know'' JJ tried to explain but she didn't want to talk about Will. Will was the one who was putting of having sex with her. JJ knew it was laziness. She knew she didn't ask for much but he just didn't want to. _

''_Good. I want to feel all of you.'' Hotch said._

_He filled JJ entirely with one hard thrust. JJ tried to scream out in pleasure. Hotch groaned at the same time when he felt JJ's tightness around him_

''_Shhh…No one should hear us sweetheart, we have neighbors.'' Hotch said and he gave JJ a kiss to silence her screams._

''_Sorry. You just…wow.'' JJ said while she was trying to breathe normally._

''_I know. It has been a long time for me to. It's fine JJ.'' he whispered softly in her ear. _

_Hotch gave JJ some time to adjust to the feeling and when JJ gave him the sign to move, he moved out of her and plunged back into her as hard as he could. He kept repeating his moves and JJ moved with him. He lost his control when he felt JJ move her hips in another position, so he could feel her deeper. He heard JJ's cries and panting. He started to feel her tighten around him and he knew she wasn't going to let go._

''_Let go, sweetheart.'' Hotch said and he gave her a soft kiss on her lips._

''_Hotch..oh..Hotch.'' JJ said._

_He felt her release around him and he lost all of his control and a few moments later he released himself into her. Hotch collapsed on top of her and he moved off her when he had the energy._

_He pulled JJ against him and dropped a sheet over their naked and exhausted bodies. _

''_I didn't expect that to happen.'' Hotch joked._

''_Neither did I. You made me feel better though.'' JJ said as he moved her head on his chest. _

_Hotch and JJ drifted off in each other's arms. JJ felt safe and desirable at the same time. She had never felt the kind of passion and desire before as she just experienced with Hotch. _

_JJ woke up early in the morning when she saw a light coming through her window. Her eyes fluttered open and she saw it was 7 am. The team was flying back to DC around 9.30 am. She didn't want to leave the place she was in but she knew it had to end. She and Hotch would go back to being boss and subordinate again. She would go back to her relationship with Will, trying to forget her amazing night with her handsome boss._

_JJ suddenly felt a possessive arms around her when she wanted to climb out of the bed. Hotch pulled JJ on top of him._

''_Where are you going?'' he asked._

''_Hotch we shouldn't do this anymore. It can't happen again.'' JJ tried to say but she knew Hotch would convince her otherwise._

''_We should do this!'' Hotch said in disagreement._

_He gave her a kiss on her lips and he rolled them over. JJ felt Hotch's arousal already pressed against her and she was really excited already. Hotch moved his hands down to JJ's entrance and he smiled in approval when he felt she was already wet for him._

_Hotch pulled her legs further apart and he plunged into her when he saw JJ's approval. He started moving faster and faster until they both released themselves. He dropped himself next to her and he saw JJ pulling herself up so sit against the headboard._

''_What are we going to do after this, Hotch? I mean I never thought this would happen and I have Will. I just cheated on him and I feel horrible about that and I don't want to hurt him.'' JJ said, knowing she was never going to forget this night._

''_JJ, you deserve to feel good about yourself. You're beautiful on the inside and the outside. We just act like we always do. We just do our jobs and we just let it be one time. One mind-blowing night and morning.'' Hotch replied honestly._

''_I am okay with that, if you are.'' _

''_I am.'' he said._

_JJ picked up her clothes from the floor and she went into the bathroom to take a shower. When she came back, Hotch was already gone. She knew it was for the best. She knew she wanted more of him but she couldn't do that. She had Will waiting for her at home. Even though she never felt that kind of passion with Will, she still knew she loved him. She forced herself to forget Hotch but in never worked. She never realized her attraction would become more than just a physical one._

* * *

Hotch looked at JJ's face and he saw hurt coming from her eyes. He had no idea if it was because of him standing in front of her. Hotch had never forgotten that one night they had shared two months ago. He would never forget it. JJ was too special to ever forget. He was crushed when he heard she was marrying Will. He wanted to stop her but JJ never gave him a signal of not wanting to get married. He could stop the wedding but he was with Beth and he really liked her a lot. He could see it going somewhere but he knew JJ would always be planted in the back of his mind. He saw JJ walk back towards the mirror without saying anything and he flashed back to the morning after.

* * *

_Hotch, Rossi, Reid and Morgan were waiting in the lobby for the two female agents. It was 9 am and the plane was going to leave in half an hour and they were already late. _

_JJ closed her door and she heard Emily coming up from behind her. She hoped Emily wouldn't notice JJ's weird walk. JJ wasn't used to the kind of activity she had just been a part of and walking hurt in that moment. At first Emily was walking next to her but when they reached the lobby Emily noticed JJ's funny walk._

''_Jeez, JJ. What did you do last night? You're walking like you were hit by a bus?'' Emily joked._

_Hotch heard Emily's comment and he couldn't help but feel guilty. Maybe he had been too rough with JJ but he knew she was enjoying it as much as him._

_No I was hit by something else, Emily. JJ thought to herself._

''_Ah, leave me alone!'' JJ murmured._

''_What the hell happened?''Emily asked curiously._

''_I fell down in your high heels last night. Just when I got back to my hotel room.'' JJ lied easily._

''_Ah poor JJ. I am sorry.'' Emily said and she walked towards the guys._

_Hotch saw the team walking out of the lobby and he decided to wait for JJ. She looked like she was about to fall down. _

''_I will check on JJ. You guys go ahead and drive towards the airstrip. We will follow you.'' Hotch said to the team and they nodded in response._

_He pulled JJ with him into a bathroom and he locked the door behind him. JJ had no idea what he wanted from her. She tried to move around him but he held her back._

''_Hotch, what are you doing?'' JJ asked him._

''_JJ, I didn't hurt you did I?'' Hotch asked worriedly._

''_No, not at all. I just you know uhh. You are, uhh, wow.'' JJ said._

''_Good or bad wow?'' Hotch asked curiously._

''_Definitely a good wow.'' JJ said and she noticed the grin on Hotch's face. _

''_I thought we were going to forget about this Hotch. We talked about it this morning.'' JJ said carefully._

''_I know. I just get so excited when I am in the same room with you. You're amazing JJ.'' Hotch teased as he moved closer towards JJ._

''_Hotch. No. We have to go.'' JJ said but she was stopped when Hotch lifted her up on the counter. He pulled down his pants and boxers. He was already hard enough. Hotch pulled up her skirt to her waist and she was also excited enough. She only had to see him and she was ready. JJ couldn't say no and before she knew it their lips were already making contact. JJ moaned softly when he started massaging her breasts through her blouse._

_Hotch positioned himself in front of her and he pulled aside her panties to enter her slowly. He didn't want to hurt JJ. He started moving softly but he once again lost his control when he heard JJ moan out his name. Hotch started panting until they both released themselves. He pulled away from JJ to pull up his pants and boxers and he saw JJ pulling her skirt down. She straightened her hair and she climbed off the counter. Hotch walked towards her and he gave her one long passionate kiss before he followed JJ out of the bathroom._

* * *

He never realized that was his very last kiss with JJ. If he had known he would have stayed with her longer. He never wanted to let her go but both of them promised to forget it. Even if he had to suffer from it. He never wanted to hurt JJ. He also didn't want her to marry Will. Hotch never liked Will. He always seemed to demanding but on the other side, he moved to DC to be with JJ and Henry. He was a great father to his son. Hotch just didn't know if he would be good for JJ and that's all he wanted for her. He saw JJ slowly turning around to face him and he had no idea what to say.

''What are you doing here?'' JJ finally asked while she faced Hotch and she looked him in the eyes.

''I just wanted to see how you are doing. You look beautiful, JJ.'' Hotch said softly while staring at JJ in her wedding dress. JJ was wearing a white strapless wedding dress that fit around her body perfectly. Her hair was lose in soft curls. He make-up brought out her beautiful blue eyes. Hotch couldn't tear his eyes away from her.

''I am fine. I am happy. It's my wedding day. And thank you.'' JJ said.

''Are you….''

''Happy?'' JJ asked annoyed.

''Yeah. I mean are you really happy with Will? Do you really want this?'' he asked carefully.

''Of course. I love him, Hotch. You have absolutely no right to ask me that.'' JJ replied.

''No right, JJ? We…''

''Slept together? I know. But you are the one who said to forget it and now you're asking me if I am sure about marrying Will. I don't know what you want me to say Hotch.'' JJ said and she stepped away from Hotch.

''I want you to tell me that you really want to marry Will. I need to know that you're really happy, JJ. You deserve to be happy.''

''What if I say I don't want to marry Will. What will you do? Last time I checked, you were still with Beth. You shouldn't even be here. Would you leave Beth for me, Hotch?'' JJ asked while she felt the tears stinging in her eyes. She didn't want to fight with Hotch but she thought he was being ridiculous. He doesn't want her to marry Will, but he was still with someone else.

''I don't know JJ. This just all confuses me. Every time is see you, I get so confused. I don't know what to do.'' Hotch said honestly.

The door to the room opened when Penelope and Emily came in and the interrupted JJ and Hotch's conversation.

''Hotch, what are you doing here?'' Emily asked surprised.

''Oh…uh…I just came to wish JJ good luck.'' Hotch lied. JJ saw the that he was lying and she was getting sick of him turning around the real subject.

''Can you guys give us a minute?'' JJ asked while she looked from Penelope to Emily. Both of them walked out of the room without saying anything.

Hotch saw the confusion in JJ's eyes and he didn't know what to do or say to her. He was standing in front of JJ while she was just staring at him. He had never expected this to happen. He never thought JJ would actually marry Will. He knew he had no right to interfere but he couldn't help it.

''I just need you to leave me alone, Hotch.'' JJ said softly.

"JJ, are you alright?'' Hotch asked to break the second silence between them.

''No, I am not. Are you happy with that? I am far from being alright. I am trying so hard to be happy here. I just can't breathe with you looking at me all the time. I need you to leave me alone.'' JJ said angrily.

''I am not looking at you.'' Hotch replied, knowing he was lying.

''Yes, you are. Every day at work you have been looking at me. I am really trying here Hotch. I am trying to be happy. I just can't breathe with you looking at me like that!'' JJ replied.

''I am not looking at you. I just think that you're making a mistake!'' Hotch replied.

''This is not a mistake. Just give me one reason why you think I am making a mistake!'' JJ said a little louder.

''I can't.'' Hotch replied.

''That's exactly what I was thinking, Hotch. You should leave. I have a wedding to get ready for.'' JJ said. She wanted Hotch to say something. She and Hotch had always been close and that one night only intensified her feelings for him a thousand times more. JJ was afraid that he didn't feel the same way and that she would be alone in the end. She kept telling herself that she was doing the right thing by marrying the father of her son.

''JJ!'' Hotch pleaded.

''Hotch, don't ask me to do this. You aren't giving me a reason.'' JJ said as Hotch started to walk closer to her. He stopped when their bodies were only a few inches apart. His hands reached her face. He cupped her face and he started to lean forward. His lips barely brushed against hers, but it was enough to sent a jolt of electricity down her spine. She responded gently at first. It didn't take long before the kiss was a fight for dominance. Their lips met in a force that they had both never felt before, knowing that it was going to be the last time. He pushed her softly against the wall while his hands sneaked around her waist. He pulled away to catch his breath and their foreheads touched in the meantime. Their chest were heaving. Hotch pulled away and his hands left her waist. He knew it was over. He was losing the person he was in love with. He didn't know how to tell JJ. He couldn't tell her.

''I will go now. Good luck!'' Hotch said and he finally left the room. He felt the anger boiling inside of him. He made his way into a restroom and he slammed the door shut. He was losing someone again. He was losing JJ to Will. He wanted JJ to be his. He wanted her to become his. He wanted to have a lifetime with her, but he knew it could never happen. His heart was shattered the moment he realized that.

* * *

''_**If you love someone, you say it, you say it right then, out loud, or the moment just passes you by.''**_

_**Unknown**_


	2. Endings

**A/N: At first I didn't want to continue this story, but I kept coming back to it. Plus, I got a lot of reviews and I don't want to let you guys down. So, here I am with a brand new chapter. I am going to throw the entire timeline of the show around, so I will explain what my timeline is going to be like.**

**The story is at the beginning of season six. JJ is still media liaison. Beth and Hotch met a little before JJ and Hotch spent their night together and they started dating a little after that night. I would say Beth and Hotch have been together for a little over a month. I just moved some aspects from season seven earlier into my story. If you have any questions, you can always ask me!**

**Special thanks samcarter1980, sanjuanitag5, jenny crum, 1701bg, ejn10175, Jotchprossi18, bostglj and jekkah!**

**Thanks for reading.**

**Please review!**

**I don't own criminal minds.**

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**Chapter 2: Endings **

''I have given it thought.'' JJ's eyes drifted from Strauss towards Hotch. His expression was filled with sadness. She felt a pang of guilt, knowing she was the main cause for his pain. They had barely talked after the wedding and she felt responsible for his pain. It was already hard enough to not be with him, but losing her job at the BAU couldn't be happening. She couldn't think about not seeing him every day. So, there was only one thing she could say to Strauss. ''I am not interested.''

''Clearly! You turned down the job twice without consulting your Unit Chief.'' Strauss said angrily as she stared at JJ intensely.

Hotch saw JJ begging for his help. It was all in her eyes. ''Agent Jareau is under no obligation to discuss it with me.'' he said defensively.

Strauss turned her attention to Hotch. ''If the Pentagon calls one of your team members you should know about it.'' She once again looked at JJ. ''Why didn't you tell agent Hotchner that you turned down the position?''

''I never wanted it to get this far because…''

Strauss interrupted her before she could finish her sentence. ''….because you know it's a better job.''

''Because I don't want to leave this one.''

''You have been here for six years.''

''Nearly seven, Ma'am.'' JJ said to correct Strauss' mistake.

''Change is good. And from what I understand there's less travel with this position. You could stay home with your husband and son.''

''Excuse me!'' JJ said, forcing to keep herself in control. Strauss had no right to talk about her family like that, especially not in front of Hotch. She wanted her personal live to stay private.

''I understand the sacrifices.'' Strauss said.

JJ shook her head. ''I do what I love. It's made me a better person, a better mother,'' she stopped before she was going to say something impulsive. She needed to tell the truth, even if it meant that Hotch heard it. ''any sacrifices I have made have been for my family. I don't have a single regret.''

Hotch felt his heart break a little at JJ's admission. She didn't have any regrets. She didn't regret marrying Will and to him it meant that she never felt much for him. He was going to keep her at the BAU no matter what she was going to say. ''We're all in agreement that agent Jareau is a valuable part of this team. Ma'am, it's understandable why the executive branch is requesting a transfer. However, if agent Jareau respectfully declines the request there's no way you can make her go.'' he said as he looked at JJ intently.

''No, I can't.'' Strauss said disappointed while turning to Hotch. ''Have you looked at the video of the missing girl?''

''Everyone is watching it now.''

Strauss rose from her chair. ''You're expected in Maryland within the hour.'' Strauss left the room, leaving Hotch and JJ behind.

JJ was about to leave the room when Hotch stopped her. ''JJ?''

She turned around at the mentioning of her name. It was like he poured all of his feelings into it. Their eyes met and locked. A silence fell between them as they just kept staring at one another.

Hotch was confronted with all the reasons why he fell in love with JJ. She was beautiful. But his love for her had less to do with the way she looked than they way she was. It were all the little things about her. The way she would put a strand of hair behind her ear or the way her mouth pouted when she didn't understand something. He realized she must have noticed his expression when she adverted her eyes to the ground.

''Pentagon?'' he finally asked.

She looked up again. ''Sorry, I didn't tell you!'' she apologized.

''It's okay. It..it's just a big deal. Liaison for the Department of Defense, it's a major promotion.'' He took a few steps towards her. ''Are you sure you don't want this?''

Her eyes widened when he asked her the question. ''Hotch! I belong here!'' she said simply before leaving his office.

She sighed deeply when the door to his office closed. She leaned back against the door and she closed her eyes. The pressure was getting to her. It was slowly breaking her down. All the pieces in her life were falling apart. Her friendship with Hotch was over. He made it clear when he kept ignoring her during cases or whenever she tried to talk to him. And now…now…she could lose her job. She had only been married to Will for three and he had been complaining about her job non-stop.

''JJ!'' Will called out.

Her eyes flashed open and she saw her husband standing in the middle of the large bullpen. ''Will, what…what are you doing here?''

He turned towards her. ''We need to talk.''

''Sure. Let's go into my office.'' JJ said as she descended the small flight of stairs. She walked towards him and gave him a paste kiss on the lips. Will's hand found hers and he led her towards her office. JJ felt slightly uncomfortable as she walked hand in hand through the building with Will. She wasn't supposed to feel like that. She knew it, but she couldn't help it.

Will sat down in a chair across her desk. ''The Pentagon called again.''

''Will!'' she warned.

He wasn't intimidated by her voice, so he went on, knowing how sensitive the subject was to JJ. ''The man on the phone said that you turned down the job. Why would you do that?'' he asked angrily.

Her face was becoming grim. She told him to stay out of it, but he kept interfering with her job whenever he got the chance to do it. ''Because I want to stay here.'' she said, sighing deeply. ''This is my home. My family is here, Will. I thought you understood that.''

''I do. But Henry and I should come first.''

At his comment, JJ made effort to hide her anger. ''That is not fair, Will. You know you and Henry come first in my life. You always have and always will.''

Will huffed. ''It doesn't look like it. You are gone most of the week and Henry asks about you every time. You need to be around more often. It is your duty as wife and mother.''

''Don't give me that! You know why I do this job. It is who I am.'' she explained. ''What do you want me to do?''

''Take the job, JJ!''

''Or what?'' she said, rising from her chair. ''You don't get to dictate my life, Will.''

''You're right, but we're married now. Our lives have changed and you have other priorities.''

''That's not true. You know how much I love Henry and you. You are my family. You guys have always been my first priority.''

''I have a hard time believing that. I honestly don't know what your priorities are anymore, JJ. You've been acting strange in past couple of months.'' he stated. ''All I am asking of you is to rethink the job offer. It will give you more time with us and it is time we need.''

''I don't know…'' JJ said, but she stopped when the door to her office opened.

''Oh, I am sorry,'' Hotch apologized when he saw Will. ''Hello!'' he greeted awkwardly.

JJ was walking towards the door to leave the office. The situation was becoming too much for her to handle and she needed to escape it. She walked out the door while Will ran after her.

Will caught up with her in the bullpen. ''JJ!''

JJ spun around. ''What?''

''I am sorry about what just happened.'' he apologized. ''I just want us to go back to normal.''

''You should be sorry.'' She said loudly, cutting him off before he could say anything else. ''This is my family too, Will. These are my friends.''

''I know they're your friends. It's the only thing I've heard about in years. Every free minute we have is spent with them.'' Will snapped.

''What's that supposed to mean?''

''I just told you. Is it too much if I want to spent more time with my own wife? Do you ever think about that?''

''You want to be alone with me?'' she demanded. ''Well, you never act like it. Every time we're alone you dig up something to fight about. We were alone this morning. We were just alone in my office. But all you want to do is fight!''

''No, I don't want that!'' he said. ''I just want things to be like they were.''

''What about how they were? Everything is the same, Will. Nothing has changed.'' she protested. She wanted the fights to stop. She hated her situation. She choose to marry Will, but all she got in exchange was anger from him.

''Yes, it has. You've changed.'' he disagreed.

JJ knew he was right. Yes, she changed. She fell for someone else. It was never supposed to happen, but it did. ''No, I didn't.''

''We had so much more time to talk to each other.''

''And that's the problem? That I have a life outside of our family? What do you want me to do?'' she asked. ''Am I supposed to sit at home all day?''

''No!''

''Then what do you want?''

''I want you to take the job at the Pentagon!''

JJ could no long hold her anger anymore. It was spilling from her mouth before she could stop herself. ''Is that all? Do you want to humiliate me in front of my friends and co-workers as well?''

''I didn't do that!'' he encountered.

''Are you kidding me?'' she said, looking around. ''No? What is happening right now?''

''I just want you to be home more often. That is all I'm asking from you.''

''Yeah. But what you don't seem to understand is that you're asking me to give up an important part of my life!'' she said.

''You have more important things in your life!''

''I'm not in the mood for this, Will!'' she said, turning around. She froze when she saw that Hotch had been standing behind her. She noticed the compassion in his eyes and she felt like running miles away. Everyone in the bullpen got to see her and Will fight and the shame reached her face.

''Where are you going, JJ?'' Will asked as JJ was walking away.

She turned around with a raged expression. ''To Maryland. We have a case.''

She walked into her office. She stared out her office window, not angered by what just transpired, just saddened. She knew she had lost him. By him, she meant Hotch. It struck her that she never actually lost him because he was never with her in the first place. They had agreed that their night together would be forgotten. But how could she do that? How could she forget that night? How could she possibly forget him? She grabbed her go-bag, knowing there was no simple answer to that question. She was about to turn around when the sound of the door opening made her freeze. She knew the presence wasn't Will. She could feel the immediate calmness flow over her and she knew it could only be one person.

She didn't turn around. She could feel that his eyes were burning a hole in her back. ''Hotch?'' she asked in a whisper.

''It's me.'' he said softly. ''Are you okay?''

''I'm fine, thanks!'' she said, wiping away a tear. She finally turned around to face him and the worry was radiating from his brown eyes. ''I'm fine. I'm fine!'' she said, to convince herself as well, but she wasn't fine. She was far from it, but she knew she shouldn't break down in front of him. He would do anything to comfort her. She could already imagine his strong arms wrapped around her body. The comfort the illusion gave her, calmed her down a bit.

Hotch shook his head slightly to show his anger about the situation. ''Will shouldn't treat you like that, JJ. He isn't supposed to talk to you like that.''

''He did nothing wrong, Hotch.'' she said, her tone soft. ''He is right. I'm never home. I have a duty as a mother to be there for my own son. This job is who I am. But am I supposed to keep doing this job when it's eating away at me?''

''You're a FBI agent. A damn good one. Henry loves you, JJ. He'll understand why you do this job.''

''Sure, but I'm a mom first. Plus, I'm married now. I have more responsibilities.''

''Are you saying that you're thinking about leaving the BAU?''

''I'm saying that I might take the Pentagon's offer if they still want me.'' she said.

He ran a hand through his dark hair before looking at her. ''You just told me that you belong here. What changed?''

''My life for starters.'' she explain while Hotch tilted his head in disagreement. ''Things are different now, Hotch. I can't be everywhere at any time. It doesn't work that way.''

''Don't you think I know that?''

''I don't know what you think.'' she said defensively. ''One moment we're sleeping together and two weeks later you start to date Beth. And two months later you're asking me to give you a reason to not marry Will. I don't know what you want from me?''

''I wanted you to acknowledge that you at least felt something!''

''Like you did?'' she asked with astonishment. ''I never heard a word from you. What was I supposed to say? What do you want me to say now?''

''Don't bother. I'm done.'' he said, turning around to walk to the door. ''We're leaving in ten minutes.'' he ordered sternly.

On the plane, JJ leaned back in her seat. Her thoughts were driving her crazy. At first her phone had been buzzing non-stop. She knew it was Will but she didn't feel like talking to him. She needed to focus on the case. A nineteen year old girl was missing and they needed to find her no matter what. She ended up thinking about her life as she was staring off into the distance. Her life had changed fast. Nothing was the same. Her simple perfect life was replaced for a life filled with heartache. She knew a part of it was to blame on herself. She wanted Hotch to tell her to not marry Will. She knew she wouldn't have married Will if he had said something. His feeling and opinion always mattered to her. Well, they used to matter to her. In the past three weeks he had ignored her every chance he got. He undermined every decision she made and she was wondering if he was person she thought he was. Her eyes wandered around the plane. Everyone was doing something else. Emily and Reid were playing poker while Morgan sat next to Reid, listening to his music. She saw Hotch and Rossi on the other end of the plane. Hotch had his back towards her. She gazed at Rossi a couple of times but it looked like he was having an important conversation with Hotch. The moods were always different on the plane. She closed her eyes to concentrate on the case. She needed to stay focused no matter what.

Rossi looked at his friend with worry. There was something going on with Hotch. He could see it about his demeanor. ''What are you thinking about?''

''JJ,'' he replied, sighing deeply before continuing. ''The Pentagon offered her a job. She turned it down twice, but they keep asking her take the position. She told me she might take it before we left.''

''Because of Will?''

''I think so.''

''We can't lose her, Aaron. She means too much to all of us.''

''I know, but I can't stop her from taking the job. She didn't want it at first, but Will somehow convinced her that a job at the Pentagon would be better for her.''

''I'll talk to her. I'm pretty charming. I can convince any lady to do what I want them to do.'' Rossi joked.

Hotch almost choked on his water because he couldn't help but laugh. ''I guess your failed marriages are the right proof of that, huh?''

''That doesn't count.''

''Sure it does.''

They landed under a cloudy sky. They SUV's were waiting for them on the airstrip. The team quickly made their way towards the cars.

Rossi saw JJ walking towards another SUV. He wanted to talk to her about the job offer and he knew they needed some privacy for it. ''JJ, do you mind if we ride together?'' he asked.

JJ turned around. ''No, I don't mind.''

She climbed in the car as Rossi went behind the wheel. She knew something was going on. Rossi usually drove with Hotch. It was pretty rare for him to want to drive alone with her.

''You know about the Pentagon, don't you?'' she asked after figuring it out.

''Hotch informed me on the plane.'' he answered. ''Do you want to leave the BAU? Is that what you really want?''

''Of course he did.'' she folded her hands in her lap, facing the window. Outside the sky was still cloudy and it gave her the chills. ''I don't really have a choice, Rossi.''

''Because of Will?''

''Yes. I'm married now. I have other things to think about.''

''The JJ I know wouldn't let any man decide over her life. You should make this choice all on your own. I understand that you have a family, but you need to do what makes you happy. Think about yourself for one second.'' he said while turning left. ''You're to selfless, JJ. It's okay if you think about yourself every once in a while.''

''I just need to think about it, Rossi. It's not that easy. I don't want to lose Will.''

Rossi wanted to say exactly what he thought about Will, but he didn't. He thought Will was to demanding of JJ. He always managed to make her feel like she was worthless. ''You're better off without him if he leaves you because you want to stay with us. You deserve better, JJ. You're a federal agent.''

''Yeah, but I'm also a mom.''

''Just think about it. Be honest!'' he said, pulling up in front of the station.

Four hours passed by since the team arrived at the station. JJ had been staying with the parents of the missing girl while the team was handling the interrogations with the suspects. JJ looked out the office window and she saw that the entire team was joined together. She quickly left the office to rejoin the team. She took a spot next to Emily and she looked around the group, knowing they didn't have any new leads in the case. She could see it on their defeated faces.

JJ turned her gaze towards Hotch. ''Can I talk to you in private?'' she asked politely.

He looked surprised and he nodded before saying anything. ''Sure.''

JJ followed Hotch into an empty interrogation room and he held the door open for her. She took a seat at the table. She had already noticed the curiosity on his face.

Her legs were moving nervously as he was walking around the room, waiting for her to say something.

He stood still. ''What is it, JJ?''

She met his gaze and she looked at him. ''I have decided to stay. I'm not going to take the job offer.''

A smile appeared on his face. He couldn't even begin to explain how happy he was to hear her say that. ''That's great. But the Pentagon has been in contact with higher-ups in the Bureau. There's a chance that I might not be able to prevent a transfer from happening, but I will do anything to keep you with us, JJ.''

''I know. Thank you, Hotch.'' she said confidently, rising from the chair. In the previous hours she thought about working with another team and she couldn't even imagine it. The BAU was like her second home and she wasn't willing to give it up without a fight. Will was going to have to deal with her decision. It was her life and she took charge of it.

''You don't need to thank me.'' he said affectionately. His heart pounded in his chest when his arm grazed hers. ''I would do anything for you.''

''I…I…I have to get back to the family.'' she said and she left the room before he could say anything to her. He knew she felt the tension. It was a physical one and an emotional one as well. The tension could be cut with a knife and he wondered if that was ever going to change.

Hotch made his way back to the team. Only Emily and Derek were left standing in the small bullpen. His eyes fell on JJ as she made her way back to the parents of the missing girl.

Derek saw Hotch staring at JJ. He heard about the job offer she had gotten and he thought it had everything to do with that. ''Hotch, we can't lose her!'' he stated simply.

''Strauss think we're all replaceable. I went over head to try and explain that we're not.'' Hotch explained.

''I hope she listens for once.'' Emily added.

''Yeah, me too.'' Hotch whispered softly. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and the caller ID made his heart beat faster. ''Sorry, I have to take this.'' he said, leaving the bullpen and walking into a hallway.

''_I told you agent Jareau's transfer is an executive decision.'' _Strauss said intently.

''Ma'am, I'm asking you to not take it out on agent Jareau because I went over your head.''

''_I know this is emotional for you…''_

''It's not emotional.'' he lied, knowing it was. ''It's a bad decision. She's a vital member of our team.''

''_I'm afraid it's a done deal.''_

''Well, that's unacceptable.''

''_What do you want me to do, Aaron? Lose my job so she can keep hers?''_

''Than I have no say in this.''

''_You don't get it. They're not asking you. They want her back in DC now.''_ Strauss said at last and she hang up the phone afterwards.

The fear suddenly hit him. The realization that he might not see her every day was scaring him. He wasn't supposed to lose her like that. He wasn't supposed to feel that way about her. He was with Beth and he was happy around her, but JJ was so different. Her understanding and fierceness on the job left him in amazement. The depths of her heart were unstoppable. It was everything about her. Her little habits made him smile on his darkest days. His face lit up whenever he saw her. He had no idea how he hid his feelings for so long, but they were out now. They were inside of him. In every part of him. She already claimed a special place in his heart. But he couldn't believe that everything was turning out this way. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. JJ wasn't supposed to marry Will. She was supposed to be with him. They were supposed to have a lifetime of memories together. But his dreams were shattered. The love he wanted was completely shattered with no hope of ever repairing it.

The team was back at the BAU early in the evening. They found Kate Joyce alive. They were able to give one family a happy ending. For JJ it was enough. She had been fighting for this case and she believed in Kate when she was missing and she was right in the end. She was alive. She was going to be okay eventually.

JJ turned off the screen in the conference room. She saw Hotch's reflection immediately. She didn't take trouble to turn around to face him, knowing what he was going to tell her. ''When do I leave?'' she asked.

''The end of the week.'' Hotch replied.

JJ turned around to look at him in astonishment. ''What?'' she asked.

''They wanted you to start tomorrow.'' he said with all the disappointment he could possibly pour into one sentence.

''No. I…I…I can't. I need to train someone.''

''I 'm not replacing you.''

''No Hotch! You can't take this on yourself. Your hands are full!'' she said, shaking her head as Hotch walked closer towards her.

He stopped a few feet away from her. ''We'll figure it out. I am hoping I can get you back.''

JJ exhaled deeply. She saw the pain and regret in his eyes. She knew he did everything he possibly could to keep her at the BAU. Every bone in her body was telling her to yell and scream out in frustration but as always she was able to keep herself in control in front of someone else. She knew Hotch wasn't just anybody. He meant the world to her.

Hotch broke the gaze and he looked down. ''Strauss wanted you to fill this out.'' he said while he handed the paper to JJ.

''Exit interview?'' she said, looking down at the document in her hands. ''Are you kidding me?''

''She's big on procedure. Just be honest.'' he paused. ''I was hoping I could do something about this. And I'm sorry I couldn't.''

She could see every ounce of sincerity in his eyes. ''I know.'' she said, looking into the bullpen. ''How am I supposed to tell that I am leaving when I don't want to go?''

''The brass is really, really good at taking power away. Makes them feel like they're in charge.''

''That sounds like a profile.''

''You're going to be much better off than any of us, you know that.''

JJ nodded in disagreement.

The tears were stinging in his eyes. ''I'll miss you.'' he said, shaking her hand. Her hand was warm and extremely soft. The warmth made his heart pound. He was suddenly conscious of how long it had been since he touched her. The feeling was overwhelming and he pulled away when he felt himself respond. He turned around and walked back towards his office. He slammed the door shut once he was in his office.

JJ was still standing in utter silence. She didn't want to leave. There was just no other option. Her life at the BAU was coming to an end. She couldn't even think about not seeing the team every single day. She was going to miss them, but there was one particular person she was going to miss the most. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe she could get over her feelings for Hotch when she didn't see him anymore.

She sat down in a chair at the round table to fill out the exit interview, knowing what was coming next. She had to explain why she was leaving. She knew the team wasn't going t be happy. She also knew Will was going to be the only happy one. He probably wanted to go out for dinner to celebrate her transfer. JJ wrote nothing but the truth in her exit interview, knowing Hotch was probably going to read it. She wanted to give him something. Her goodbye to him wasn't the way she wanted it to be, but she couldn't expect more from him.

_I'm thankful for my years spent with this family, for everything we shared, every chance we had to grow. I'll take the best of them with me and lead by their example wherever I go. A friend told me to be honest with you, so here it goes. This isn't what I want, but I'll take the high road. Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson, or because I don't want to walk around angry, or maybe it's because I finally understand. There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go._

JJ sighed contently when she was done. She rose from the chair and she made her way out of the conference room. She saw the team hanging around the desks. They all turned to her when she was only a few feet away. Their faces were filled with disappointment and sadness. JJ didn't know if she was going to live through it without any kind of tears.

They talked. It was emotional, but she able to say goodbye without crying. She left to go see Garcia after she had given everyone a final hug. Her heart was breaking. The only family she had left was the one she had to leave. It didn't seem fair.

She finally spilled tears while she was talking to Garcia. She couldn't keep them away. It was too much at once. Leaving behind a family and someone she loved more than anything. She just couldn't admit it to him. She pulled out of the hug with Garcia. She left her office with the exit interview in her hands.

She walked through the endless hallways. She was silently saying goodbye to all the memories the building held. She had experienced sadness and happiness. It was a chapter of her life that she was never going to forget. She wouldn't even want to try that. It wasn't an option.

She entered the parking garage after dropping off her exit interview in Strauss' office. She put her briefcase and purse in the backseat of her car. She shut the door with all the anger she was feeling. She quickly climbed in. She tried to start the car but it wasn't starting. She put the keys in the ignition once more, but car was still not starting. She couldn't take any more setbacks. She wanted to go home and sleep for hours. The exhaustion had completely taken over her body. So, she slowly stepped from the car to check what could possibly be wrong.

''Come on. Please. Damn it!'' she yelled out.

Hotch heard the familiar voice yelling. He walked around his car towards JJ. Her frustration was apparent in her body language.

JJ didn't see Hotch standing behind her. She jumped slightly when she heard his voice. ''Everything okay?'' he asked.

''No. Nothing is okay.'' she replied angrily.

Hotch wanted to walk closer, but he stopped when JJ held her hand up. ''What are you looking at?'' she said, opening the door to the car. She stepped back into the car to try and start it again but it didn't work.

Hotch stayed silent because he didn't want to make her angrier. He watched as she grabbed her things from the car. She was walking back towards the elevators when he finally stopped her. ''Where are you going?''

''Upstairs!''

''I'll give you a ride home.''

''I can get home by myself.''

''JJ, why are you putting your anger out on me?'' he asked curiously. ''Why are you mad?''

''Why am I mad?'' she said hoarsely. ''I just found out that I have to transfer. I have to leave behind the people that are my family. I have to leave the job I love and the people I love! You just don't seem to care!'' she accused.

''Who says I don't care?''

''Maybe you should look in the mirror. I think you might figure it out then.''

''Are you asking me to tell you how I feel?''

''Yes! Just like I did at my wedding.'' she said as an example. ''All I wanted was to know what you felt, Hotch. I needed some kind of reassurance before I was going to leave Will at the altar. But you didn't even try.''

''I did try, but I couldn't. I can't.'' he said, taking a break. ''Just accept a drive home!''

''Fine!'' she said and she was already on her way to his car.

The drive was filled with silence and an unspoken tension. JJ had her head against the window as she closed her eyes. She started to think about all the times she spent with Hotch. She knew the memories were all she was going to have. It was all she had left.

Hotch stopped the car once he pulled up in front of the small suburban home. ''JJ!'' he said to get her attention. ''You're home!'' he said softly.

Their gazes locked and a shiver went through her body. ''Thanks!''

''I'll miss you.'' he said again. ''I mean it!''

''I'll miss you too!'' she nodded, beginning to cry. ''I didn't want to cry but I can't help it.''

''It's okay.''

''I never met anyone like you.'' she confessed.

Hotch's eyes widened. ''Then why are you saying goodbye?''

''Because I have a family. I can't break that, Hotch.'' she cried out. She quickly stepped from the car to get away.

Hotch stepped from the car as well and he caught up with JJ before she was too far away. He pulled her back to the car. He pushed her against the car on the side of the street, so Will had no possibility of seeing anything.

He cupped her face with both of his hands. He wiped away the tears that were falling down her face. His heart was telling him to kiss her like there was no tomorrow but he couldn't do it.

''I understand your reason, JJ. I'll always understand.'' he explained. ''I lost Haley and it tore me apart. I don't ever want you to feel like that. You deserve better.''

''Thank you for showing me what I could have!'' she said, knowing that the kind of love she had with Hotch was the thing you dreamed about.

''Always!''

JJ stepped away from him. She made her way towards the house. She turned around one more time to look at him. She saw him whisper something but she couldn't make it out because of the darkness.

''I love you!'' he whispered as she was walking towards the front door.

JJ quickly walked inside. She put her bags down in the hallway and she made her way into the living room.

Henry was storming towards her. ''Momma! Momma!'' he squealed and he flew into her arms.

JJ held her son tightly to her chest. ''Hi, buddy!'' she said affectionately. She saw Will leaning against a wall and she gave him a smile before putting Henry back down on the ground.

Will walked closer to her and he kissed her passionately but JJ pulled away before he could deepen the kiss. ''How was your day? I didn't expect you to be home so soon.''

''I'm starting at the Pentagon next week. You got your wish, Will!'' she said angrily but she kept her voice down because Henry was around. Henry was suddenly holding her hand. She picked him up again because it was time for him to go to bed. ''I'm putting Henry down and I'll go to sleep afterwards.'' she announced.

''JJ!''

''Don't!'' she warned.

JJ went into the bedroom after she read a story to Henry. She changed into something comfortable and she climbed under the blankets on the bed. She broke down once she laid down in the bed. The anger and sadness were surfacing and there was nothing she could do to stop it.


	3. Losing even more

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait! It took me some time to figure out where I wanted to go with this story and I finally have it planned out. **

**Special thanks to samcarter1980, Lenika08, Snowbeardolphin and jekkah!**

**Thanks for reading.**

**Please review!**

**I don't own criminal minds.**

* * *

**Chapter 3: Losing even more**

The office was larger than the one she used to have. It was twice as big, but she didn't feel at home. She still didn't feel at home in the past seven months that passed by. Her job was the only escape she had from her home life. It just wasn't enough. She wasn't helping any people. That was the one thing she wanted to do more than anything. On her desk was a picture of the entire BAU team. All the girls were sitting on the ground while the men stood behind them. JJ could still remember when it was taken. The picture was taken in Los-Angeles after they finished a case. One of the local officers wanted a picture of the team to remind himself of how to do the job. He had seen the team work and he could see they were like a family. Now she didn't know if it was still the case. It was as if she was living a dream she still had to wake up from. It was the worst nightmare ever.

JJ put the new files on her desk and she dropped down into her chair. She took one of the files in her hand. She was about to turn the page when there was a knock on her door.

''Come in!'' she said while her focus was still on the file. The face she saw when she looked up shocked her. It had been seven months since she saw him last. Seven months of waiting for him to return her phone calls, but he never did. Not once. She hadn't seen or heard from him. She had to convince herself that she wasn't imagining him standing in front of her. Neither of them moved as they took each other in. They were just staring at each other, waiting for the other to speak. ''Hotch?'' she finally asked, breaking the long silence.

''JJ.'' he said after taking a deep breath. She hadn't changed a bit. That wasn't a surprise to him. It wasn't years since he last saw her, even though it did feel like that. He could see a glint of unhappiness in her eyes. Every other detail was the same. Her blonde hair was longer. She was wearing a simple pair of skinny jeans with a white blouse and high heels.

Suddenly, she broke into a wide smile. She stepped in front of her desk to get a little closer to him. She did keep some distance between them. ''It's good to see you again.''

''Yeah.'' he agreed softly. He felt awkward and he didn't know what to say. He came to her for a reason. It wasn't personal. It was supposed to be professional. Just being closer to her made it personal for him. A part of him fully expected that they could catch up like old friends like nothing happened. But as he was standing in front of her all of his feelings were resurfacing. He had been pushing those feelings away in the last couple of months. ''I'm so sorry.''

JJ took a step back, then turned around to face her desk. ''Why are you here? What do you want?''

''I know this isn't fair to you, JJ. But I need your help.'' he mumbled. ''It's Prentiss.''

She immediately turned around at the mentioning of her friends name. Emily told her she was alright the last time they spoke. She had seen her friends at least once in two weeks. ''What is it, Hotch?'' she asked with worry, noticing the grim look on his face.

''It's a long story. It all comes down to the fact that Prentiss is missing.'' he explained quickly without hesitation.

''How…when…how did it happen?'' she rambled. Her mind was racing. Emily had been a little off, but she seemed to just have a bad couple of weeks. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

''It has something to do with Ian Doyle. I've been trying to get in contact with Interpol and the CIA, but they aren't giving us any kind of information.''

''So, you want me to get the information for you?'' she asked.

''Yes.'' he said.

''It won't be easy.'' she said honestly. ''But I have a friend at Langley who owes me a favor.''

''Thanks.'' he said, pausing. ''I want you to join us on this case, JJ. We could really use your help.''

''I want that. I'll wait for my contact to give me the information I need. I'll be at the BAU once I have everything I need.''

''Okay. I'll see you then.'' he said, turning around to the door. He stopped in his tracks and he turned around once more. ''Oh, and JJ, it's good to see you again!''

JJ watched him leave. Her eyes were burning a hole in the door and she had to remind herself what she was doing. Her friend was in trouble and she needed to focus. She took a seat behind her desk and she dialed the number of her friend at the CIA.

* * *

On the way to the BAU JJ let her thoughts wonder. She hadn't been back there for seven months. She had seen her friends as much as possible but their busy schedules made it hard. The BAU had been here home for years. Now she had another job. She liked her job. She really did. But it was different. Her colleagues were different. It was all about making it for yourself. There were a lot of people who couldn't stand JJ because she got the position at the Pentagon and she didn't care. She did what they asked of her. She transferred without having a say in the matter.

She pulled up in the all too familiar parking lot. Nothing had changed. She didn't expect that, but it was weird to be back. She went home to change and get some numbers she needed. Luckily, Will wasn't home to question where she was going. Her marriage to Will was the same as always. They still had fights about her job. It was slowly taking its toll on JJ. She loved Will. She just didn't get why he couldn't try to be happy for once in his life. He was always looking for a fight no matter what. There were some moments when JJ recognized the person she fell in love with. It were those moments when she wanted to tell him about Hotch because she thought he deserved better than what she did to him. But the words never left her mouth. It was too hard. She couldn't hurt her family. Let alone tear it apart. It would be too much, knowing she would be the cause of something like that. JJ had automatically ended up in the elevator as she was thinking about her messy life. Her heart skipped at beat when the elevator doors opened. There he was, standing in front of her. The feelings were still there. All of them.

''Hey.'' he greeted simply. ''Do you mind if we talk in my office?''

''Sure,'' she said, following him into the bullpen. ''I could use some coffee though.''

''Okay.'' he agreed, walking into the kitchenette and filling two mugs with coffee. He handed one to JJ and he made his way back to his office as she followed him. He closed the door behind her. His blinds were already closed.

''You've changed.'' Hotch observed.

JJ took a zip of the coffee before putting it down on the desk. ''A lot has changed since I last saw you. But what does any of this has to do with Emily? I thought I was here to help you on the case.''

''I've missed you, JJ.'' he said, stopping before he was going to get too personal. ''I didn't even ask you how you've been.''

She shrugged her shoulders. She said nothing and set her mug back on the desk again. Once she spoke, her voice was filled with pain and disbelief. ''You don't need to ask me, Hotch.''

''JJ, I still care about you.'' he explained, noticing her angry expression. ''I'm sorry I didn't call you back.''

''I didn't ask you to apologize.'' she shook her head. ''Obviously, you don't care.''

Hotch shook his head in disagreement. He stood up from his chair and he stepped in front of his desk to be closer to JJ. ''I didn't know what do to, JJ. You have another job and you have a family. I thought it might be weird if we stayed friends after everything we've been through.''

She looked up at him, trying to keep her composure. ''We should've stayed friends despite of that. I had contact with everyone except you.''

''Look,'' he said, stepping backwards. ''I'm worried about you!''

She stood up in anger and she walked to the other side of the office. ''The way you're talking to me right now, it sounds like you're my friend.'' she said, taking a few deep breaths. ''But that is weird right? Agent Hotchner? You don't need to worry about me! I'm perfectly fine.'' she said angrily.

''I didn't know you were angry.''

''Of course I'm angry!'' she said loudly. ''I never wanted any of this, Hotch. I didn't want to work at the Pentagon. And most of all, I never wanted to lose you.'' she explained.

''You didn't lose me, JJ.'' he said affectionately as he stepped closer towards her. His hand intertwined with hers. His eyes darkened when JJ closed her eyes at his touch. He could hear her breathing fasten. ''You never will.''

She traced a finger along his jaw, suppressing the urge to do more. ''I know.'' she said, her voice tender. ''I haven't seen you for seven months!''

''JJ, I would love to catch up but we need to get into the conference room before the team gets suspicious.'' he explained, letting go of her hand and pulling away.

A sad smile appeared on her beautiful face. ''I know.''

''I'll meet you in the conference room.''

JJ stepped from his office to give him some time alone. She knew he needed it. Her body was aching for the man behind that door. The simplest touch could make her body go weak. It was something she had never experienced before, but she couldn't feel that anymore. She wasn't supposed to. She made a choice. She chose to stay with Will and she couldn't cheat on him again. He was her husband. She promised to love him no matter what and that was exactly what she needed to keep doing.

JJ was already in the conference room when Hotch joined the team. Everyone except JJ and Hotch were sitting. JJ took the remote in her hand like she still worked there. A document with Emily's picture on it appeared on the screen.

''What did you find?'' Hotch asked looking at the file in his hands.

''A friend at Langley was able to give me parts of Emily's CIA history.'' she announced. ''Emily assumed the identity of Lauren Reynolds. She went undercover as a weapons dealer to get intel on Valhalla.''

''What does this have to with Doyle?'' Morgan asked impatiently.

JJ noticed Morgan's impatience and she responded immediately. ''Doyle was Emily's last case. Plus, Emily fit his romantic type. She was the one who got closest to him during her cover.'' she explained, taking a breath. ''She was part of JTF-12. The entire task force is on his hit list.''

Hotch was slowly seeing the case coming together. He knew know who his victims were. ''Jeremy Wolff, Tsia Mosely and Sean McAllister are the victims we can tie to the task force.'' he said. ''Were they all a part of it?''

''Yes,'' she answered. ''One person is still missing.'' she said, showing another picture on the screen. ''Clyde Easter, British SIS, was the team leader of the task force. He was in DC, but he's been missing ever since Tsia's murder.''

The team stayed silent for a while and JJ knew none of them could believe that this was Emily's past. The brunette agent they had worked with had a past. JJ just didn't care that she didn't tell them. She just wanted to bring Emily home safely.

''Emily made contact with Doyle in Boston, posing as another weapons dealer.'' she went on.

''Emily left without telling us because Doyle has been threatening families. She isn't close to any relatives.'' Rossi said out of the blue.

''We're the only family she has left.'' Reid continued.

''So, she ran to protect us?'' Derek asked angrily. ''She should've told us no matter what. We could've helped her.''

JJ felt Hotch staring at her. She returned his gaze and she saw in his eyes what she was feeling. The team started a discussion. Reid and Rossi were defending Emily while Derek still couldn't believe that she slept with a terrorist for a profile. Seaver was the only who didn't know what to say or do about this case.

''Sir, Clyde Easter is on his way to Boston.'' Garcia announced, storming into the conference room.

''I'll call the Boston police to let them know that they need to detain him when he lands. We're flying down to Boston now. Garcia I want you with us. We have to leave now!'' Hotch ordered, waiting for the team to leave the conference room.

JJ was the only one who wasn't moving. She was staring at a picture of Emily that was still on the screen. ''JJ, are you coming?'' Hotch asked.

She kept staring as he moved closer towards her. She could feel he was only a few inches away from her. ''Does she have a chance?''

''We don't know if Doyle has her.'' he explained. ''But when he does he'll keep her longer than all the others. Emily is his stressor and he'll take his time with her.''

''I hope she doesn't do anything stupid.''

''We should go, JJ.'' he suggested and she finally turned around, nodding her head in agreement. They walked side by side out of the conference room in silence.

* * *

Five hours passed by. The team landed in Boston and they were immediately confronted with new leads on Emily. Security camera's showed that Emily was captured by Doyle and his men. Everyone was on edge because their friend was in danger. JJ was able to get more information from her friend at Langley. Clyde Easter was helping them to narrow down the profile on Doyle. The profile had been combined and it still didn't make sense until the team found out about Declan. Emily risked her life for a child and she was still fighting for him. The team finally understood Emily's motivations. But she was still in danger. They were going to search the building where Declan had been allegedly killed by Emily.

''Agent Prentiss is the only friendly in the building. Rescuing her is our primary objective.'' Hotch announced in front of SWAT and his team.

''Our only advantage here is stealth. Once they know were on sight there's nothing that will stop them from killing her. So, we keep it quiet until we get to her.'' Morgan added.

Everything that happened next passed by in slow-motion. The ambulance ride to the hospital. The waiting in hospital room to get the news. And the worst part was putting the plan in motion. JJ had to betray her friends to save one of them. It was the only way and she knew it.

JJ walked through the endless hallways of the hospital. She tried to keep her head up, but there was no possible way for her to do that. She felt defeated, knowing what she had to do. But it was the only option. It was the only way to save Emily. It was the only way to keep her safe from Doyle.

She finally reached the waiting room where her friends were waiting for the news. The quietness was awfully agonizing. Her heart was pounding in her chest. Everyone was sitting up immediately. She kept looking to the ground, but she could feel Hotch's eyes burning a hole into her body. She knew the team got the message when they finally looked up with tears in their eyes. Garcia whispered a quite ''no''. She knew she needed to confirm her suspicions. ''She never made it off the table.''

Reid was standing up and hurrying towards the exit of the room. JJ held out her hand and she held him back. ''Spence!''

''I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.'' Reid said with the tears filling up his eyes.

JJ pulled him into an embrace and he started crying on her shoulder. She cried with him, knowing she was lying to the people she loved. But also because of her friend. JJ saw Hotch standing up from his seat after they locked eyes. He made his way behind two doors, staring at the ground. He finally locked eyes with JJ and she wished she could run into his arms and never let go. The hurt she felt was too much and she knew he was the only one who could take it away. She finally let go of Reid and she made her way towards Hotch.

She stopped in front of him. ''The plan is put into motion.''

''I'm so sorry, JJ.'' he apologized. ''I never wanted to drag you into this, but it was our only option. Doyle wouldn't have stopped until Emily died.''

''I know, Hotch. We had to do this.'' she agreed with tears filling up her eyes. ''I'm flying down to Paris when she has recovered. Only three of my people and you know about this. We have to keep it that way.''

''It won't be a problem.'' he said, turning around and walking away.

JJ's knees went weak and everything that happened in the last day came rushing back to the surface. For a moment, she wondered how different her live would have been had she never met Hotch, but she shook the thought away. She made her own mistakes and she couldn't put them on someone else. She knew her life was better for knowing him.

* * *

Two weeks passed by. Everyone went to Emily's funeral. They stood at the cemetery as they said goodbye to their friend and colleague. Only JJ and Hotch knew her real faith. They hadn't spoken since the hospital. They had exchanged longing gazes at the funeral. They weren't just filled with desire, but with the reassurance that they were doing what was right. That there were no other possible ways to save Emily.

But JJ was getting more doubts as the weeks went on. She could barely sleep at night. Will had noticed the changes in her behavior and he tried to talk to her, but she didn't tell him anything. She spent most of her hours with her friends. Those were filled with grief. Whenever she thought she would see Hotch, she didn't. It was like he had disappeared of the face of the earth all over again. JJ missed him and she needed him more than anything. He was the only one she could talk to about Emily. He was the only one she needed.

JJ stopped her car in front of the modest apartment building. As soon as her plane from Paris landed, her anticipation grew. But she didn't know how to act. She didn't even know if he was at home. She felt her hands shaking as she stepped from the car. The chilly air sent a shiver down her spine. She stopped one more time before she slowly started moving inside. Something was giving her a bad feeling. She took one last breath when she ended up in front of his door. Her hand softly collided with the door. It was already late and she didn't want to make too much noise.

She heard a husky voice from the other side of the door. The door finally opened and the sight in front of her made her nauseas. Hotch had two arms around Beth's waist as she opened the door. ''Jennifer?'' Beth asked surprised by her presence.

JJ took some time to gather herself before speaking. ''Hi!'' she murmured. ''I can come back tomorrow.''

His dark gaze traced slowly over her upturned expression. ''Beth was just leaving.'' he let go off the brunette. ''You can come in.''

Tears filled JJ's eyes after he had said goodbye to Beth. Once in the living room, she sat down on the couch, still struggling against her tears. Her emotions were once she couldn't make sense of.

''JJ, why are you here?'' he asked, standing across from her with his arms folded in a way that seemed defensive.

Her blue watery eyes met his. ''I need someone to talk to and…'' she stopped. ''…you are the only person who came to mind.''

''We can't!''

''I don't care anymore!'' she said in disagreement. ''I miss you! I miss talking to you. I miss being with you, Hotch. That night we spent together changed my life in ways I couldn't even imagine. It showed me the kind of love I can have. I can't just forget you.''

''I know what you mean, but we can't. We're involved with other people, JJ.'' he said with all his regret poured into his voice. His body was screaming to be close to her. To kiss her, to hold her and to make love to her. Even if it was one last time. But the problem was that their last time was supposed to stay the last time. No time would ever be enough with her. He would never be able to have enough of her. He watched as she rose from the couch with the tears streaming down her face. Her silky blonde hair fell over her shoulders as she strode towards his door. The alpha male inside him was surfacing. All of his morals and thoughts went out the window in the blink of a second. He grabbed her wrists, pushing her against the closed door. ''Don't leave!'' he said, but it sounded more like an order.

JJ couldn't help but oblige to his words. ''It's all right.'' he assured her. ''I'm sorry, JJ. I was thinking about what the right thing is, but I don't care. Not when it comes to you. I won't hurt you. Never!'' he whispered into her ear.

He moved his hands from her wrists to her face. She took a deep breath as he pushed her further against the door. The sense of belonging filled her when his hands pinned hers above her head. He leaned down and he touched his lips to her neck, nipping at the soft skin underneath. One of his hands trailed down to the hem of her shirt. His hands grazed her smooth skin as his hands sneaked under her black top.

JJ's entire body froze because she knew what was about to happen. She came to him to talk. Not to take part in other activities. ''Hotch, I wanted to talk.'' she whispered softly. She felt him pull away from her breasts. But his hands unintentionally touched her breast and it sent her head spinning.

He left his hand in the same place. Their gazes met. A flash of pride flashed into his eyes when he heard JJ moan softly when he touched her again. ''To hell with talking.'' he whispered into her ear.

Their lips met in a force of longing and neediness. And within seconds JJ found herself losing her grip of reality. As his tongue slipped passed her lips, she felt numb. His hands were traveling all over body and she could feel the urgency in his touches. His touches were relentless, his hands pressed deep into her skin.

They somehow ended up on the floor. He didn't stop kissing her before he removed all of her clothing. She was completely naked when he was hovering above her. She realized he had a power over her that no one had or was ever going to have. She was helpless against his touches. She responded to every move he made. His hands were gliding over her body and it sent her into a spiral of pure pleasure.

The gentleness she felt before was now leaving. She could feel his excitement pressing against her stomach. He gripped her thighs to keep control of her movements. His breathing was turning into panting and jolts of sensation ripped through him.

When he ripped of her panties, she realized he wasn't going to be gentle at all. He was going to take her like the alpha male inside him she had never seen. She wanted the same. For an instant, fear was on her mind but she knew he would never hurt her. Her eyes opened when she heard his belt buckle. He got rid of his white dress shirt and he unfastened his slacks. She felt his manhood pressed against her aching body. Before she could register what was happening, he drove into her with a hard thrust. She gasped at the contact while her arms found their way to his shoulders as he started moving in a relentless pace. He pulled back and drove back into her with all the power he had within him. His invasion was deep and fierce. He set a rhythmic pace as he thrusted mercilessly. JJ responded immediately by wrapping her legs around his waist, increasing the deepness of his thrusts. They met each other movement for movement.

She was slowly melting away under his strong muscular body. She had never seen him this way. She had never been taken this way and she would never allow anyone to have her like that. But he was different. He had power she had never seen before. He treated her with respect. She would never deny him anything.

She felt her belly tighten when his moves became unsteady. His shoulders were shuddering. Then she felt him burst into her. He kept moving to bring her to the edge. He regained his pace and he smirked when he felt her convulse around him. His name escaped her lips multiple times and she could see the pride in his dark smoldering eyes.

He pulled a blanket from the couch and put it over their naked, heated bodies. He pulled her close. He kissed her shoulder, face, breasts and neck. She moved against his hot body. A sigh of happiness escaped her. ''I love you.'' she confessed, looking into his eyes.

Her confession caught him off guard. He pulled away from her, grabbing his boxers and pants. He stood up and started putting his clothes on again. ''JJ, I think you need to leave.''

''Don't!'' she warned him, knowing what he was going to say. ''Everything was perfectly fine when you had me on the ground.''

She was standing with the blanket wrapped around her body. ''You still can't tell me how you feel. I'm an idiot.'' she rambled on, putting on her clothes.

''JJ, please!'' he pleaded. ''You're the strongest person I know.''

''Don't give me that, Hotch.'' she said with shame in her eyes. ''I don't know if I can do this.''

''Do you remember when you told me about your sister?''

''Of course I do. But this is different. This is now.'' she paused. ''This is about Emily. I don't know how to do this alone. I haven't slept in two weeks because I have to lie. And you…I just wanted to talk to you.'' she explained.

''JJ, we can't keep doing this. It's not fair.''

''To who?'' she asked astonished. ''You? Me? Or Beth? I bet she can't give you what I just gave you.'' she said bluntly, knowing how stupid she was acting. But her anger was so much worse.

''This is exactly why I kept my distance for the past seven months.'' he shot back. ''I knew you couldn't handle me with someone else. I'm happy with Beth.''

''Fine,'' she said in a whisper. ''I may have to share a secret with you. I may have to work with you to get Emily back. I'll do my job and anything else to bring back Emily. But as far as our personal life goes, we're done!''

With those last words, she stormed out of his apartment with tears streaming down her face. The best thing turned into the worst embarrassment she had ever experienced. She raced to her car while she heard Hotch calling out her name, but she kept going. She saw him standing on the sidewalk when she drove away in a hurry. She was done.


	4. Let it out

**A/N: I know I'm not updating very often, but life is getting in the way. The chapters are longer because you have to wait long. The first part of this chapter is set in 6x20 – Hanley Waters. I hope everyone is still enjoying this story!**

**I would like to thank everyone who has read, reviewed, favorited or decided to follow this story. It really means the world to me and I can't express how thankful I am.**

**Special thanks to Speed Girl 87 (Thanks for the review. I'm glad you love it! Always good to hear.) and jekkah (Thank you for your reviews! I kind of made Hotch a jerk in the last chapter, but he's turning around. I promise!)!**

**Thanks for reading.**

**Please review!**

**I don't own criminal minds.**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Let it out**

The days in Tampa were passing by slowly. The team was hunting down a mass murderer. It was the last thing they wanted to be occupied with. It had only been one month since they lost Emily. Hotch knew the team was barely functioning anymore. They had lost two important members of their team. It wasn't the same. The greatness they used to have was lost. Hotch had no idea how much time it was going to take before everyone would be able to go back to normal. He was ordered to do grief assessments with his team. Everyone was grieving in their own way. But seeing them all grief was already too hard. Lying to the team was slowly tearing Hotch apart. It wasn't just that. He also lost JJ. He didn't attempt to contact her because she made it clear she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He never meant to hurt JJ. He lost his own control. He acted in the heat of the moment. He knew it wasn't fair and that there were no excuses for his behavior.

He refocused his attention on the road. They figured out the unsub was taking a hostage to a restaurant where she used to celebrate her son's birthday. She lost her son in a car accident and she was blaming herself and the emergency responders. She started killing people that got in her way. Hotch couldn't even think about losing Jack. Through everything, Jack was the constant in his life. Losing him would be unbearable.

The team pulled up in front of the restaurant where the unsub was holding hostages. Hotch was already on his way into the restaurant. He knew he could talk the woman down. He just needed to stay calm and focused. Hotch managed to get the hostages out, leaving him and her husband, Don, in the room.

''I know you blame yourself and you shouldn't.'' he turned to look at Shelly while she was still pointing the gun. ''And Shelly, all the hurt you might inflict on people is not going to bring him back.'' Hotch explained carefully.

The tears were slowly falling down Shelly's face. ''They…they need to know what they did!'' she said.

Hotch nodded his head. ''Believe me, everyone who tried to save him that day isn't going to forget. It's the day they failed.'' he said empathically. ''They'll ask themselves what they could've done. Could they have gotten here sooner? They'll heal, but it's going to take time. They'll move on, but they won't forget.'' he explained, thinking about Emily and JJ. Everything should've turned out differently. Emily wasn't supposed to be hurt at all. And JJ. Oh, JJ. JJ wasn't supposed to be in his mind at all. He shouldn't love her, but he did. The thoughts and images of her were driving him insane.

Shelly started talking about how she tried to save her son, but she couldn't. She told how he begged for his father. She saw him dying, but there was nothing she could do for him.

''Shelly, you have to stop blaming yourself!'' Hotch said, distracting her. '' 'Shelly, you have to stop blaming yourself!'' he repeated.

''I yelled at him.'' she said while her hand went to her mouth in shock. ''And…it was the last thing he heard of me.''

''That's your regret.'' Hotch said, pausing to keep himself from breaking down. ''That's not what he remembers.'' he tried to hand her a picture of herself with her son. ''Look! Look, how happy he was.'' he stepped closer. ''Losing him isn't your fault. He was taken from you and that's not fair. But while he was here, while you were lucky enough to have him, he was happy. That's how he lived and that's how he left.'' he said, handing her the picture.

Don took the gun from Shelly's hand and gave it to Hotch. The next few minutes passed by in slow motion. Shelly was arrested by the locals and Hotch made his way back to the team without saying a word to anyone. He stepped in one of the SUV's and drove away.

* * *

On the plane, Hotch tried to get the sleep he so desperately needed. But he couldn't close an eye. His mind was racing the entire time. It had gotten so bad that he was even behind on his paperwork, which wasn't normal for him. His lack of focus was only getting worse. He wasn't supposed to feel like that. He had everything he could've asked for. He was in a relationship with a wonderful woman who loved him. But she wasn't JJ. She didn't have JJ's quirks. The blonde beauty had won over his heart long ago. Now there was no possible way of winning hers. He knew that. It was still unbelievable for him that he might never see her again. It was his own fault and he had to learn to live with that.

Rossi coughed to get Hotch's attention. They were sitting in Hotch's office for the assessment. Rossi was the last one. It was already late and both of them couldn't wait to get out of the office.

''I know we just talked, but…'' Rossi paused briefly. ''Who do you talk to, Aaron?''

Hotch's thoughts were going in circles. ''I have Beth.''

''Is that enough?'' he confronted. ''Look, you have been through more than any of us in a short period of time.''

''We don't need to talk about me.'' he stood up and made his way back to his desk. ''You can go home, Dave. I have enough for now.''

''Aaron, what's bothering you?'' he said, realizing he was getting on Hotch's nerves. ''You haven't been yourself. You snap every chance you get.'' he looked over at the stack of files on the desk. ''Hell, you're behind on your paperwork!''

''Leave it!'' he warned.

''Or what?'' Rossi asked.

''You're different these days. When you started dating Beth, you were happy. What happened?'' he went on.

''I'm not different. I'm just tired.'' Hotch lied, knowing Rossi would see through his lies.

''Is it about JJ?'' Rossi asked.

Hotch's expression went softer at the mentioning of her name. Rossi knew he was on the right track. ''What happened between the two of you?''

Hotch sat down and leaned back in his chair. He prepared himself mentally to tell most of what happened. But he wasn't going to tell him everything because he would betray JJ even more and he wasn't about to do that to her. ''You know JJ and I have always been close.'' he said while Rossi nodded. ''In the past months my feelings for her changed rapidly. When I first met her I was immediately attracted to her. But I wrote it off as physical because she is younger and incredibly beautiful.'' he said.

Rossi held up his hand to interrupt him. ''Younger?'' he asked astonished. ''Aaron, you're eleven years older. That doesn't change anything about your feelings. You and I both know that age doesn't matter these days.''

''I know.'' he said in agreement. ''I know.'' he repeated. ''I thought that and her beauty were my instant attraction for her, but it wasn't. I pushed aside those feelings when I was with Haley. But it all came back when we became closer. I could talk to her about the little things in life.'' he stopped sighing, deeply.

''Over the years she has become so much more than just a friend. I realized she is far more than just a beautiful face. She has so much affect on me.'' he took a zip of his scotch. ''Not being near her is driving me insane. I miss her. I want to talk to her but…but…'' he went on but stopped.

''She is married! You are with Beth!'' Rossi interjected.

''God,'' he said harshly. ''Don't you think I know that? I'm not supposed to be in love with my former subordinate. I'm in a relationship, but my feelings are clouding everything, Dave.'' he explained.

''I think you should talk to Beth first, Aaron. She doesn't deserve to be lead on. And JJ…'' he said, standing up from the comfortable chair. ''You're my friend. But I'll hurt you if you do something to mess up JJ's happiness!'' Rossi threatened.

''What happiness?'' Hotch asked, knowing that wasn't happy in her marriage with Will.

''She's happily married to another man, Aaron. She has a son. You have no right to meddle in her life.''

''I'm not going to. Unless, she wants me to.'' he prepared himself for the next sentence, knowing Rossi could get overly protective. ''She isn't happy, Dave. Will is the one who keeps her from achieving greatness. JJ could do absolutely anything she wants to do. She's is one of the best agents we've worked with in years, but he holds her back. He tells her she isn't good enough. That she isn't a good mother to Henry. I know differently.'' he said angrily. ''JJ deserves everything she wants to have! I agree with that. But if she wants me, there's nothing that will stop me from being with her. I love her! Nothing will change that, especially if I can give her what she wants.''

''What makes you think she wants you?'' Rossi asked curiously.

Hotch realized he went too far. ''I don't know. Maybe, she doesn't. I just know that I would give her anything if I could.''

Hotch refilled his glass with scotch. He picked up the glass and he emptied the glass into his throat. He was slightly startled when his phone started ringing. It was an unknown caller, but he picked up.

''This is agent Hotchner.'' he greeted with his professional voice.

''_Hello, sir. I'm agent Long with the Pentagon. I'm JJ's colleague.'' _the female voice on the other side announced.

''How can I help you?''

''_I have bad news, sir. JJ is on her way to the hospital…'' _she tried to say.

Hotch interrupted her. ''What happened to her?'' he asked in a frenzy and he saw Rossi looking at him with concern.

''_MPD just called me. They found her passed out on the floor of her house with a gunshot to the abdomen and multiple stab wounds all over her body. She called 911 before passing out, sir. I'm on my way to the hospital as we speak. JJ always talks about your team, so I thought I should inform you. I tried to call her husband but he isn't picking up.''_

''Will?'' he asked while putting on his suit jacket. He was gesturing Rossi to call the team. ''We're on our way to the hospital!'' he said and he hung up the phone afterwards.

Rossi was busy with his phone and he knew it couldn't be any good when he saw the expression on his friend's face. ''What is it, Aaron?''

''JJ is on her way to the hospital. She has been shot and stabbed.'' he explained. ''We have to go. We should call the team from the car!''

''Oh my god.'' he said in shock. ''I'll call them. You should drive. Let's go!''

The drive was filled with silence, except for the phone calls Rossi was making to inform the team about JJ's situation. Hotch was racing through the streets with sirens on. His head was with JJ and what the hell happened to her. He couldn't lose her. He wouldn't survive that. As he kept driving and thinking, his mind flashed through all the memories of him and JJ in the past few months. The love he had felt around her was indescribable. All of his life he thought Haley was the one for him, but he knew it was JJ. She filled a void he never knew existed. She completed him. She loved him for who he was and he had been too stupid to reject her feelings for him.

Hotch stormed from the SUV once they reached the hospital. As always the hospital scent reached his nose the moment he walked in. God, he hated hospitals. They were the sign of grief. The last time in a hospital had been hell. Emily wasn't dead, but the team still thought she was. Hotch just needed JJ to survive this.

''FBI!'' he said, showing his badge to a nurse. ''One of my agents was just brought in!'' he announced, knowing JJ wasn't his agent but he didn't care. He would say anything to get an update on JJ's situation.

''Agent Hotchner?'' Christina Long asked when she saw Hotch storming into the hospital.

''Are you agent Long?'' Rossi asked, taking a stand next to Hotch.

''Yes.'' she replied quickly. ''I'm Christina.'' she shook his hand.

''Where is, JJ?'' he asked in a panic. ''Where is she?''

''I arrived at the same time as the ambulance. They're taking her up to surgery, sir.'' she replied.

''How did this happen? What happened?'' Hotch asked with fear.

''I just talked to the detective on this case.'' Long explained simply. ''JJ was attacked when she was about to go inside her home. The assailant dragged her inside and attacked her in the living room.''

''Rossi, I want you to go to JJ's home and get control of the crime scene.'' he ordered. ''We won't touch another case until we know what happened.''

''Sir, we can't let you do that!'' Christina interrupted. ''JJ is one of our agents. The investigation will be headed by us.''

''There's no way that's going to happen.'' Hotch said once Rossi was already gone. He wasn't going to let a stranger interfere in this. Everything was hurting. The woman he loved was hurt and he had no idea how bad it really was.

''Sir!'' she warned again. ''I'll have to call my supervisor once you interfere with this investigation.''

''I guess you'll have to do that then.'' he said, turning around to find a nurse. He needed to know what was happening. He couldn't stand to lose JJ. Not after the way they left things the last time. He needed to tell her what he felt. He wasn't done loving her. He wanted a lifetime with her. He needed a lifetime. He ached for her every second of the day.

He stopped a nurse from passing him. ''I need an update on Jennifer Jareau. She was brought in about fifteen minutes ago.''

''Sir, I can't help you.'' the nurse said, walking around him.

He was about to stop her again when a frantic voice from behind him made him stop. ''Hotch?'' Morgan yelled while he was holding Garcia close to him. Reid was standing behind them. Their expressions told him exactly what he felt. They couldn't lose another loved one. Not after everything they had been through. Too much had already happened in their years with the BAU.

Garcia stepped forward, releasing herself from Morgan's grip. ''Do you know anything, sir?'' she asked impatiently.

''JJ's colleague informed that she was attacked in her own house. Apparently, she just came home.'' he explained.

''Oh my god!'' she exclaimed.

''What?'' Morgan asked in a panicked voice.

She turned around to face him. ''Will is in New-Orleans.'' she stopped for a second. ''JJ and Will have been separated for two weeks now. JJ told me she needed some space, but that they were going to work everything out. Henry has been staying with her neighbor when she had to work.'' Garcia explained rather quickly.

Hotch was surprised by the news. Normally he would be happy to hear that, but it wasn't important anymore. ''Garcia, I want you to call Will. He should know what's going on.'' he ordered, turning his attention to find a nurse. He made his way back to the reception.

''Ma'am, I'm agent Hotchner with the FBI.'' he announced, showing his badge. ''I need information about Jennifer Jareau's situation.''

''Sir, I need you to calm down.''

''I'm not going to calm down.'' he yelled angrily. ''I want to know what is happening. So, give me the damn information!''

''Hotch!'' Morgan said as he grabbed Hotch by the arm to get him to calm down. ''Take it easy, man!''

Hotch yanked his arm away from his grip. He turned around when a doctor called out JJ's name. Reid rose from the chair with watery eyes and he stopped next to Hotch.

''Yes.'' Reid mumbled softly.

''I'm Dr. Rice.'' he introduced. ''Are you Jennifer's family?''

''No, but we're her former colleagues.'' Morgan replied quickly.

''Okay,'' he looked down at the floor. ''The doctors are operating on her as we speak. The bullet hit the upper right quadrant of the abdomen.'' the doctor tried to explain.

Hotch interrupted. ''Could you please talk in English? I know what it all means but I don't want to think too hard right now.''

''I'm sorry.'' he apologized. ''Our main concern is that the bullet hit her liver. She went into hypovolemic shock due to the amount of blood loss. The doctors are doing damage control. The first few hours are going to be critical. We have multiple concerns about the condition she's in.''

''Just tell us how bad it is.'' Hotch pleaded. He could see in the eyes of the doctors that it wasn't good. His heart dropped slowly. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't lose her. He didn't have enough time with her.

''One of the stab wounds penetrated her chest wall which caused a pneumethorax. The EMT's were able to insert a chest tube to get her to stabalize. Our main concern is still the gunshot wound. The other stab wounds weren't as severe as the one to the chest.''

''I'll let you know more in a few hours.'' Dr. Rice said before leaving them behind.

Hotch's hope was shattered. Pneumothorax? Shock? Blood loss? How could she possibly survive? His mind kept racing. He wanted JJ to survive this. It was as if his life depended on it. He lost Haley. He couldn't lose another woman he loved. But JJ wasn't just another woman he loved. She was the one woman he truly loved. The one that accepted him for who he was. The one who brought happiness into his life. He never believed in true love until JJ. As perfect as they were for one another, there were still boundaries and morals that kept them apart. Not to mention that he screwed up the last time he saw her. For now, he just needed her to pull through.

Hotch looked up and he noticed that Garcia was heading back towards them. Her make-up was stained from the tears that were falling down her face. Her hands were shaking. She took a seat next to Morgan and he pulled her tightly against him for comfort.

''This can't be happening.'' she sobbed into Morgan's shirt. ''We can't lose her. Not someone else. We already lost Emily.''

''I know, baby girl. I know.'' Morgan whispered back.

''Where's Rossi?'' Reid suddenly asked Hotch, who was pacing up and down the spacious room.

Hotch froze and looked at Reid with the saddest expression they had ever seen. ''He went to JJ's house to help MPD with the investigation.'' he explained while Reid nodded. Hotch looked over at Garcia. ''Is Will on his way?''

''Yes, he's taking a direct flight immediately. He'll be here in three to four hours. He asked me to pick up Henry if he arrives later.''

He finally took a seat. The next few hours were all about the waiting. Hotch knew JJ could make it. She was the strongest he had ever met. His mind tried to stay as positive as possible, but deep down he realized this all could turn out for the worst. JJ needed to fight for Henry. Her son needed her. Everyone needed her. The team couldn't lose another family member. Their lives were already crushed after the incident with Emily. They deserved some good in their lives, especially with the job they did every single day.

* * *

Four hours had passed. No one had moved an inch. They were all waiting for a doctor to give them some good news. Hotch's head rested in his hands. He had been staring at the grey floor for the past hours as all of his memories with JJ flashed through him. He kept seeing her smile. That smile brightened his days. It brought sunshine to his messy and confusing life. He was startled when he saw Reid jumping up from his chair. He looked up and he saw the doctor walking towards them. It took him one second to rise from his chair.

The doctor stopped in front of them, holding a chart. ''The bullet tore through her liver. We were able to repair the damage. She lost a lot of blood, but we were able to repair all of her other injuries as well.''

''What are you trying to say?'' Morgan asked calmly, knowing it was good news that JJ made it through surgery. He looked to the side where he saw Hotch holding a hand in front of his face. He had never seen him like that, but the relief was present in his expression.

''If the EMT's arrived one minute later she would have died due to blood loss or the pneumothorax.'' he explained. ''She needs to stay in the hospital for a few days until we're sure that she's stable.''

''Thank you!'' Garcia exclaimed happily.

''We can only allow one person in the room at this time. She needs her rest.''

''Okay.'' Hotch agreed.

Morgan started to notice something different about Hotch. He had no idea what it was, but it felt weird. ''Hotch, you should go first.'' he suggested.

''Yeah.'' he said.

''Follow me.'' the doctor said and Hotch followed right behind him.

Hotch was left alone in front of a hospital door. The adrenaline was pumping through his veins. His hand was shaking when he reached to open the door. He quietly walked inside and closed the door behind him. His gaze landed on the blonde in the bed. Her face was pale. She didn't look good at all. She had bandages on her arm. She looked even thinner than the last time he had seen her. Her eyes were closed. The beeping machines continued their sounds as he grabbed a chair and took a seat next to the bed. He took her hand in his. The moment their skins touched, the tears finally fell down his face. His fear was finally coming out. She was alive. She was breathing. He could still hold her. He gently put a strand of her hair behind her ear.

''JJ,'' he whispered. ''The last few hours have been hell for me.'' he almost stopped there, aware that he could keep his feelings inside. He would be able to put if off once more. But he couldn't keep lying to himself. ''The last couple of months have been hell for me. I had to watch as you got married to Will. I had to watch you leave us.'' he hesitated. ''Leave me.'' he corrected. ''I forced you out of my life because I was so afraid that what I felt for you was impossible. I stayed stoic when I needed to give you an answer. So, here it goes…'' he breathed in deeply, knowing she probably wasn't hearing any of it, but it needed to come out. ''I love you!''

He cringed slightly when he felt one of her fingers move in his hand. ''I know things could've been different if I would've told you this at your wedding. I wouldn't have lost you. Or caused you any pain.'' he began. ''I always imagined that these words would be hard to say, but they aren't. In all my life, I've never been so sure about anything. I just hope that there will be day when you can say those words to me again.''

Outside it was dark. He could hear the rain tick against the windows. It was early in the morning and it was as if days passed by in slow motion. His head turned back towards the bed when he heard the sound of a raspy voice.

JJ's eyes fluttered open. She had felt someone grabbing her hand. She heard someone talking to her. She saw the tall man sitting beside the bed.

''JJ, it's okay.'' Hotch assured while he still had a hold of her hand.

''Hotch?'' she asked hoarsely. ''Where am I?''

''You're in the hospital.'' he answered. His heart dropped when JJ pulled her hand away from his. ''Do you remember anything?'' he asked gently.

JJ tried to think back to what happened, but her head was spinning. Her entire body hurt. ''I…I…came home from work late.'' she said. She could remember the scaring voice from behind her once she was inside her home. She could feel the bullet burning a hole into her body. She could feel it all, but she couldn't remember what happened. Her breathing became unsteady and her chest started heaving. ''Then…I…I…can't.'' she rasped.

The door was suddenly thrown open. Hotch saw Will standing in the doorway. The look on his face was one of terror and despair. His gaze landed on a panicking JJ. ''What the hell are you doing?'' he yelled.

''I just asked her what happened.'' Hotch replied calmly.

Will pushed Hotch away from the bed in anger. ''Get out!'' he yelled. ''You have no right to be here. I'm her husband.''

Hotch stumbled backwards as he saw Will hurrying to JJ's side. The tears were streaming down her face and all he wanted to do was hold her and never let go of her again. But Will shot him an angrily look and he finally decided to leave the room.

''JJ, are you okay?'' Will asked softly.

''I'm fine.'' she lied. ''When did you get here? Where's Henry?''

''Henry is still with our neighbor and Garcia called me to inform me that you were in the hospital.'' he explained as his hand cupped her face. He leaned down and put a soft kiss on her lips. ''I was so worried. I took a direct flight out here. I'm not going to leave again, JJ. We can get through this. I love you!''

JJ stayed quiet as she tried to forget the burning feeling inside her. The fear was all over her expression, but Will didn't seem to notice once he was busy with calling family.

Hotch rejoined the team in the waiting room. Rossi was back at the hospital and the look on his face wasn't any good. He took a seat across from the rest. He was getting ready to talk when Rossi beat him to it.

''How is she?''

''I don't know.'' he said with all honesty. ''She is awake, but she completely panicked when I asked her about what happened. Did you get anything from the scene?'' Hotch asked, hoping there were any leads. He couldn't wait to arrest the person who did this to JJ. He would rather beat him up, but that wasn't an option.

''We should talk in private.'' Rossi suggested. ''I'm sorry, but it's best if you all stay here to be there when JJ wants to see you.''

''Let's take a walk.'' Hotch said.

Hotch followed Rossi to the parking lot of the hospital. The air was cold and goose bumps appeared on his skin. The cold felt like a knife cutting through his skin. ''Tell me, Dave!'' he said impatiently.

''She fought, Aaron.'' he began. ''She fought like hell against her attacker. The entire living room was turned upside down. We think the unsub attacked once the door closed. He attacked with a knife and JJ fought hard. We know she was shot with her own gun. The unsub managed to get control over her. The detective was able to get pictures of her wounds. She was stabbed four times and shot once.'' he said sadly. ''It's a miracle she survived this.''

''Do we have any idea who did this?''

''Yes, I tried to talk to JJ's supervisor but he didn't give me anything.'' he stopped, looking at his friend and he could see the anger boiling in his expression. ''The detective did get information from them. Apparently JJ has been working on an ongoing investigation into a drug trafficking ring. They apprehended a suspect one week ago, but he was let out on bail until the trial is going to start. Her colleagues think the suspect tried to kill her because she was the vital part of his conviction.''

''What's his name?''

''Aaron, I can't.''

''Why not?'' Hotch asked angrily.

''I know you'll try to kill this guy before anyone gets his hands on him.'' Rossi said carefully. ''Let me handle this.''

''He almost killed JJ, Dave. I trust you. I really do, but I'll do anything to protect JJ from getting hurt.'' his voice was trembling. ''I can't lose her to.''

''I know. This team has gone through too much already. I know that.'' he said before turning around to make his way towards the SUV.

JJ had fallen asleep for a while, but she was wide awake when she heard her son's voice beaming through the hospital. She tried to sit up, but the soreness in her body kept her from it. Instead, she lifted her head up and waited until the little boy was in her room. A smile appeared on her face the moment she saw him in the room. He was running towards the bed as quickly as possible. Will lifted him up onto the bed.

''Momma!'' Henry exclaimed as his arm founds its way around her neck. ''Daddy say you're sick.''

''I'm going to be fine, buddy.'' she said reassure the little boy. ''I love you.'' she kissed him on the head as he laying against her side.

''I love you, mommy.''

JJ held him tightly against her. Henry was okay. She was okay. At least she forced herself to think that. Thinking about the night before scared her. She wasn't fine. Both physically and mentally. She and Will had taken a break because things went wrong after Emily's funeral. Will was constantly telling JJ what to do. And whenever Reid came over, he was angry because he thought that JJ wasn't spending any time with him anymore. Her marriage was breaking her. She tried to be a good wife and mother while she had a job. She tried everything she could, but after the night she spent with Hotch she had reached her limits. She told Will things needed to change. It went good for two weeks until another fight was the last straw. JJ told him she needed space and he left for New Orleans. Even now things didn't seem like they had changed. She almost died and her husband was talking on the phone. JJ couldn't take it anymore. She was sick of it.

''Will, can you please take it outside?'' she asked kindly, trying to hide her annoyance.

''What?'' he asked as if he didn't hear JJ.

''Can you please take the call outside? I need my rest.''

''I'm almost done.'' he said, turning his back towards her.

JJ watched as he finished his call. It took another ten minutes before he finally hung up the phone. Garcia had already taken Henry away in the meantime because JJ needed to get some rest. She wasn't feeling much better and Will wasn't helping at all.

''Get out!'' JJ said suddenly when she didn't care anymore. He never listened to what she wanted. It was never good enough. It was like she didn't mean anything to him.

''Why are you yelling?''

''Because I want you to leave me alone.'' she explained. ''I can't do this anymore, Will. I just can't.'' she breathed in deeply before continuing. ''This isn't working. I've tried for months to make you happy but it's never good enough.''

''JJ!'' he tried to warn her.

''No! No! Will!'' she said loudly. ''I'm done!''

''I'll take Henry away if you leave me.'' he threatened.

Another person suddenly emerged into the room. JJ saw the kind eyes of the man who hurt her the most. His expression was filled with worry when he looked at her. It made her heart race. She didn't want to love him, especially after everything he had done, but she couldn't help it. He held a power over her, no one ever had.

''Don't threaten her.'' Hotch said as he faced Will.

''Oh, there's your prince. The man who secretly loves you. How pathetic that you have to tell her when she isn't even awake.''

Hotch realized Will must have heard everything he said to JJ, but he didn't care. He loved her and there was no way he would retract that statement. He never would. ''Will, you have an amazing woman.''

''You don't need to tell me that!''

''Really?'' he asked while he was laughing inside. ''You seem to be to blind to see it. JJ has given up everything for you. She loves you! She married you!''

''She shouldn't have, right? Isn't she supposed to be with you instead?'' he asked angrily.

''Will, what I feel for her has nothing to do with the fact that you're marriage is falling apart. That's not why I'm here.'' he tried to explain.

''Why are you even here?''

''Because she deserves to be happy. And I'll be the next person in line to give her what she deserves, Will. But JJ wanted to be with you. She chose you!''

''I'm married to her. You have no right to tell her that you love her. She's mine!'' Will yelled.

JJ couldn't believe what she was hearing. Hotch was fighting for her for the first time in months, but he was too late. And Will. God, Will. He was acting as if she was his property. JJ was getting sick of it. She couldn't take it. ''Get out!'' she yelled again.

''What?'' they said in unison.

''Leave!'' she explained one last time. ''I can't take this anymore.''

The tears finally streamed down her face once she was alone. The tension was making her pain even worse. Not to mention that her entire body was still hurting. It was around nine o'clock. She wanted to sleep and wake up to a peaceful situation. She wanted happiness instead of fighting and people letting her down every chance they got.


	5. Broken mind

**A/N: Next chapter! I am so happy that I finally had time to update something. I hope everyone likes this chapter!**

**Special thanks to samcarter1980, jekkah and Kris298!**

**Thanks for reading.**

**Please review!**

**I don't own criminal minds.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Broken mind**

Hotch was standing outside JJ's room along with Will. He could hear JJ softly crying. He wanted to go into the room, but he knew it wasn't a good idea. He looked at the man across from him and the anger in his eyes was overly present. Hotch decided to walk away, but he didn't get far when Will stepped in front of him.

Will held up his hand. ''You're not going anywhere!'' he said angrily.

Hotch calmly took a step back. ''Calm down.'' he said, taking another step backwards.

''You said that you wanted her to say those words again.'' Will hinted. ''What words?'' he asked, already knowing the answer. But he didn't want to believe it. He couldn't. He had been happily married to a woman or at least that was how it was supposed to be. ''I love you?'' he asked when a long silence fell.

Hotch cleared his throat. He didn't know what he was supposed to say. The last thing he wanted was to betray JJ's trust even more. ''You need to talk to JJ about it, Will. I'm not going to interfere in your marriage.'' he answered, not knowing that the expression on his face was one of intensity.

''In the years that I've known you through JJ, I've never seen any kind of emotion on your face. But I see it now.'' he explained. ''Something happened and I need to know what happened.''

Hotch took one deep breath. ''We slept together.'' he finally admitted.

''You son of a bitch!'' Will yelled loudly. ''I knew I could do better than that whore.''

Hotch's rage was boiling. He would never let anyone talk to JJ that way. No one. Will didn't have the right. Before he knew it, his fist landed with Will's face and he stumbled backwards. ''JJ was unhappy, Will. You've never been there for her. She deserves so much better than you.'' he yelled angrily. ''You don't get to call her a whore.''

Rossi walked into the hallway where Hotch and Will were still fighting over JJ. ''Stop it!'' he yelled, standing between the two men. ''Do you remember what just happened?'' he asked, but no one gave an answer. ''The woman you both love was just attacked in her own home. She barely made it. Be happy that she's still alive!''

''Dave, I…'' Hotch began but he was interrupted.

''Don't even start Aaron!'' he warned. ''Sleeping with a married woman when you're still in a relationship with another woman. How could you? I thought you were better than that.'' he said finally turning his attention to Will. ''And you! You made her think she wasn't worth anything, Will. She believed she has never been a good enough mother for Henry.'' he explained. He was sick of how everyone was treating JJ. He would do anything to protect her. ''I want the two of you to leave her alone. Go home!'' Rossi ordered. He saw Will walking away, but Hotch kept standing in front of him. Rossi knew he would never be able to tell him what to do. Hotch was the most stubborn but considerate guy he had ever met in his entire life.

Hotch took a step towards the older man. ''I'm not leaving, Dave. I can't.''

''Why not?'' he asked, not understanding why he was so persistent. ''Do you blame yourself?''

He shook his head in disagreement. He tried to keep the tears at bay. He just couldn't stop it. Everything he had kept inside was finally coming out. ''Of course I do.'' he said harshly. ''I would've known she could've been in danger if hadn't pushed her away, Dave. JJ used to tell me everything.'' he went on, but needed a breath before continuing. ''She wanted to talk to me about Emily because she felt like everyone else on the team had been hurt too badly. She tried to stay friends, but…I…I lost control and…'' his hand went through his raven black hair. ''I pushed her away. She was all alone. She could've died. I wouldn't have survived that.''

''You really think this is your fault?''

''It is.''

''Yeah, you made mistakes.'' Rossi shrugged his shoulders. ''Everyone does, Aaron. But what happened to her is not your fault. It's the fault of the person who attacked her.'' he explained. ''It's up to JJ whether she forgives you or not. But don't hurt her again! She has a long road ahead of her.''

Hotch turned to the door of the room. ''Should we go in?''

''Sure!'' Rossi agreed.

Hotch followed Rossi inside the room. He softly closed the door behind and he stopped in his tracks when he was standing at the end of the bed. JJ was looking confused and pale. He locked eyes with the blonde. He knew he had to say something. Anything. But he couldn't. All he could do was stare at her.

''Did you sleep?'' Rossi asked out of the blue.

JJ broke contact with Hotch and looked at Rossi who was sitting in the chair next to the bed. ''Barely. It hurts too much.'' she spoke hoarsely.

''Are you ready to talk about what happened?'' Rossi asked carefully.

JJ tried to move slightly but she winced out in pain when a jolt of pain went through her body. She saw Hotch moving towards her side. ''Don't!'' she warned to keep him at distance.

''JJ,'' he started. ''I…I…''

''I need to talk to Rossi alone.'' she explained.

Rossi gestured Hotch to leave the room. ''It's okay, Aaron.''

''I'll be right outside.'' Hotch said before leaving the room with defeat in his expression.

''I'm scared.'' she confessed.

''You don't have to be, JJ.'' Rossi said to comfort her. ''We're here. I'm here.'' he said.

''I wasn't strong enough. I tried to fight, but I couldn't…''

Rossi took her hands in his as the tears fell down her face. ''I know, JJ. I know.''

''My attacker was Dave Castillo.'' she explained, not knowing that he already knew who did it.

''We know.'' he stated. ''He was arrested a few minutes ago. The detective on your case texted me. We just need your statement and then it's all over, kid.''

JJ wiped away the tears. ''Where's Henry?''

''He's with Penelope. I made sure that Will went home.'' he answered. ''You made a real mess, JJ.''

''Rossi, don't even start. I'm not in the mood.'' she said angrily. ''I know I screwed up. I fell in love with him. I don't know why or how everything happened. But it did happen and there's no going back.''

''Everything that happened isn't as important as your recovery. You have a long road ahead of you. We'll all be there to help you, JJ.'' he said gently. ''We lost Emily and we can't lose you to.''

''I miss her, Rossi. I miss my old life at the BAU. Everything has changed, but I wish I could go back in time and undo the way my life is right now.'' she admitted, thinking about all the lies and betrayals. She wanted nothing more than to get her job with the BAU back. The Pentagon was a good place to work. It just didn't compare to her old job.

''I think there might be a way to get you back.'' he said with a smile on his face.

''What?''

''I don't if it's going to work or if we can pull it off, but I think there might be a way, kiddo.'' he answered. ''I just need you to focus on your health for now. We'll talk about this once your all healed.''

''Sure,'' she agreed and she was surprised when Rossi was already turning around to leave the room. She decided to let him go because she wanted to try and get some sleep. She closed her eyes and slowly drifted off. But her peacefulness was quickly interrupted when the images of the attack raced through her mind.

_The cold blade sliced through her skin. Her breathing was unsteady. Her chest was heaving rapidly as if the last breath of oxygen was leaving her body. The knife went deeper into her chest and a fire started burning when it was being pulled out. Her screams didn't stop the pain. The wounds on her stomach and arms were already numb. She could slowly feel the life leave her body as a figure was moving away from her. One of her hand moved towards her wound, but the warm blood scared her off. Everything was beginning to turn dark. Her senses were screaming, but the words weren't forming anywhere. She suddenly felt a cold object in her hand and without thinking she dialed…_

''Jennifer!'' a voice said calmly.

''JJ?'' another voice yelled frantically.

''Sir, we need you to move.'' a nurse said to Hotch.

''No,'' he snapped back at the irritated nurse. He saw the panic in her blue eyes. He wasn't going to leave her alone after she woke up screaming. There was no way he would leave her. He couldn't. He loved her too much.

''Whe…where…am I?'' she asked with a trembling voice.

Hotch hurried to her side. He took one of her hands in his. ''JJ, you're still in the hospital. You're going to be fine!'' he assured her.

Her eyes were big and full of fear. Her body was shaking and a tear fell down her face. ''Hotch?''

''I'm here, JJ.'' he said, holding her hand even tighter than before. ''I'm not going to leave you.'' he whispered.

Her body was calming down. The touch of his hand made her feel safe. It pulled her from the nightmare and put her back in reality. His dark eyes were melting into hers. The feeling of security overwhelmed her, but she didn't forget. She didn't forget how he treated her and what he said to her. She could still feel the shame. Everything was confusing her. She wasn't feeling happy and normal. She felt terrified and ashamed all at once.


	6. Better together

**A/N: This chapter is set in 6x24. I hope you all like this chapter!**

**Special thanks to samcarter1980 and jekkah!**

**Thanks for reading.**

**Please review!**

**I don't own criminal minds.**

* * *

**Chapter 6: Better together**

Rossi was pacing nervously through the office. His meeting with Strauss had been planned for weeks and he couldn't wait anymore. This was important to him. It could be important to the team and especially to JJ. When he told her there might be a way for her to come back to the BAU, he wasn't joking. The team had been functioning good enough to solve cases, but it wasn't the same without JJ and Emily. The horror they had faced in the past couple of months was astonishing. First Emily died and then JJ was attacked in her own home. Not to mention the case in Jacksonville that was extremely personal to Morgan. All in all it hadn't been easy and the team could use some good in their lives, instead of all the bad.

''Agent Rossi.'' the assistant called out. Rossi turned around to face her. ''She's ready for you.''

''Thank you, Chloe.'' he said before entering Strauss' office.

Rossi took a seat across from Strauss. The expression on her face told him she wasn't in the mood for a discussion, but Rossi knew he could turn her mood around. He had known Strauss for years and he definitely had some dirt on her, which he could put to good use for his plan to work out.

''What do you want, Dave?'' Strauss asked sternly.

''Well, it's actually really simple.'' he answered. ''You know Agent Jareau never wanted to leave the BAU, but she was forced to take a transfer. Three weeks ago she was shot and stabbed in her own home.'' he tried to explain.

Strauss interrupted him. ''I know what happened to Agent Jareau, Dave. I really don't understand this.''

''Three days ago JJ was released from the hospital. She was supposed to be released two weeks ago, but complications presented itself and the doctors insisted on keeping her for observation.'' he went on.

''Could you get to the point!'' Strauss ordered.

''I visited her every single day and it comes down to the fact that JJ would do anything to come back to the BAU.''

Strauss sighed deeply in irritation. ''The moment she comes back, the executive branch will be on my back and she'll be forced to transfer again. There's no possible way for her to come back to the BAU.''

''That's where you're wrong, Erin.'' he began. ''She can take the classes to become a profiler. She has analyzed hundreds of cases over the years and it'll be easy for her to take those classes.''

She rose from her chair and made her way towards her cabinet. She turned around. ''She could come back as a profiler. I agree on that.'' she said, knowing that JJ was a valuable part of the BAU once and her return would definitely be good for her own name. ''I'm just not the person to decide about this matter. I'm leaving for a couple of weeks and Agent Hotchner will be filling in for me while I'm gone.''

''What?''

''The bureau is facing a lot of changes, Dave. Your unit is no exception. In the next few weeks people will be asked if they want to stay with the unit or not. You have my vote on getting Agent Jareau back here. I just don't know what the team will look like once she does.''

''What happened, Erin?''

''The director had some concerns regarding my work. I asked Agent Hotchner to supervise several departments for me. I haven't been working on full capacity, which is why I can't decide on Agent Jareau's return.''

Rossi felt defeated. He had no idea what Hotch would say. He knew he hadn't seen JJ in two and half weeks. JJ made it clear to him that she didn't want him around. ''I'll talk to Aaron.'' he stated. ''Good luck with everything, Erin.'' he said.

He walked out of the office in anger. He wished Hotch would've told him about the changes. The team could possibly change forever. That was an important event and he felt like Hotch should've told him. He walked down the hallways in disbelief until he stopped in front of the bullpen doors. He heard Hotch coming up from behind him. He was on the phone and he passed by Dave and only held up his hand for a second. Rossi decided to ignore his behavior and he went straight to his office. But his peace wasn't for long when Hotch came into his office to tell him about a meeting in the conference room.

* * *

As the day passed by the team knew about the changes within the bureau, but their concerns were put to the side when a human trafficking case came up and took over their day. Once again the worst humanity had to show was thrown in front of them. Every single member of the team was on edge during the case. An undercover cop went missing and several lives were at stake. In the end Morgan was in danger during a fight but Rossi saved him. Their roles were later reversed when Morgan had Rossi's back. In a long time everyone had reached their limit. After a final meeting, Hotch let everyone go home. Hotch knew the changes could have severe consequences. The team wasn't functioning as it was supposed to. But there was no way to fix any of it. He could only stick around to see what was going to happen.

* * *

Rossi made his way down the catwalk after the meeting in the conference room. He opened the door to his office and the blonde, sitting in the chair startled him. He knew JJ would inform him about her decision, but he didn't expect her to be there so late.

''You said we needed to talk, but at 2 am?'' he asked as he sat down on the edge of his desk.

She nodded her head slightly before answering. ''I saw the lights were on.''

A smile appeared on his face, knowing JJ had to have watched the offices like a hawk. ''And you couldn't sleep. Which tells me you've given some thought to what we discussed.''

''I haven't stopped thinking about it.'' she announced.

''So?''

The question lingered in the air. ''I'm coming back.'' she finally said.

Rossi met JJ halfway and he hugged her tightly. ''You're holding me a little too tight, Dave. My injuries haven't healed yet.''

''I'm sorry, kiddo.'' he apologized, letting her go. ''There's just one person who needs to approve all of this.''

''I thought you already talked to Strauss.''

''I did, but…'' he stopped when the door opened abruptly.

''Dave, I was wondering if you…'' Hotch said, but he stopped when he noticed JJ standing in the middle of the office. His mouth dropped open in surprise. ''JJ?''

''Hi.'' she greeted back with hesitation. Her heart started racing. It was as if the temperature in the room instantly went up. She clenched her hands together.

''He's the one, JJ.'' Rossi suddenly stated.

JJ's eyes grew bigger at his comment. Knowing that Hotch had to approve her transfer didn't make the situation any easier. He didn't even know about it yet. She made it clear to Rossi that she wanted to wait with that. She felt like it was none of his business. He had no right to meddle in her life. ''You're kidding me.''

''No, I'm not.'' Rossi replied. ''I think you two need to talk.'' He slowly made his way from his office to leave them alone. ''I'll be right outside.'' he said to JJ before leaving.

''How are you?'' he asked gently.

''I'm doing better, I guess. It still hurts, but I'm good.'' she said, taking a step backwards as her hand rested on her stomach. ''How have you been?''

''Busy,'' he stopped to just look at her. She didn't look good at all. She had dark circles under her eyes. She looked exhausted as if she hadn't slept in months. ''work has been a lot and it's been hard to keep the team running, you know.''

''I do know.''

''So, Dave has been your bodyguard, huh?''

''Yeah, I guess you're right. He has been helping me out a lot. Since my attack he has been a little protective, but I can't say that I mind.''

''Have you talked to someone, JJ?'' he asked. A silence fell. ''About what happened to you?''

''No, I don't need to. I'm fine.'' she replied. ''I'm trying to move on with my life. I have to focus on Henry from now on. Will went back to New-Orleans and I filed for divorce.''

He gasped, not expecting her life to move so fast. He thought about the courage she showed. After what happened to her she had every right to be scared, but she didn't show any fear at all. He marveled that despite what happened, she managed to hold on to her positive view of life. It was exactly what made him love her even more. ''Oh, I'm sorry.''

''Of course you are.'' she laughed.

''What's that supposed to mean?''

''You never wanted me to marry Will, but you were too much of a coward to admit that.'' she started to explain, her voice raw and trembling. ''I heard what you said to me in the hospital, Hotch. I heard all of it.'' she said as she took a seat in the chair. She still hadn't regained all of her energy and the exhaustion drained her. ''You love me?'' she asked with every ounce of hope she had within her. She needed to hear him say it.

''I do!''

''Why did you wait so long to tell me? Why after all of this? I mean, how could you?''

His eyes began to water when he saw the hurt in her eyes. He never wanted to see so much pain on her face. It was even worse because he was the cause of it. ''Because of our jobs. Because you were married. Because I'm with Beth.'' he said without realizing that he made a big mistake.

She gasped. ''You're still with Beth?''

''JJ, we can start over. We can be together now.''

''No,'' she contradicted. ''No! Not after everything that happened. I can't believe I was willing to give you another shot.'' She was already standing. She turned around to hide the tears from him.

As usual, he couldn't think of a response. ''I missed you!'' he finally said to break the lingering silence.

She decided to ignore that. She needed to get to business and explain what she wanted from him. ''I need something from you.'' she began and Hotch nodded. ''I want to transfer to the BAU and take the classes to become a profiler. You need to sign off on the transfer. At least that is what Dave just told me.'' she blurted out.

''I don't if that will be possible, JJ.''

''Why not?''

He sighed deeply, knowing his answer wasn't going to be good enough for her. ''Because it means I'll be your boss again. We'll go back to being subordinate and boss. I can't be around you without…'' he stopped there. ''It'll be too hard.''

''Nothing will happen. You have Beth and I'll never let it get that far again.'' she promised while trying to convince herself. He was intoxicating. The smell of his cologne made her knees go weak. The way he looked in a suit made her stop and look at him. Everything about him still got to her.

''Please, Hotch.'' she begged. ''I need this. I need to be around the people I love or I won't survive this.''

''Fine,'' he finally agreed. ''but Dave will help you through the classes and the dozens of reports. I can't do it with you, even though I'm supposed to.''

''Thanks.'' she whispered.

''It's good to have you back Agent Jareau.'' He took her hand and shook it gently. His hand stayed on hers. He didn't want to let go. The soft touch sent shivers down his spine. He started softly caressing her hand.

''Hotch!'' she warned. He let go of her hand and he quickly made his way out of the office. She dropped down in the chair once again. She was finally getting back the little pieces she had lost over the months. But she knew it was going to take a lot more time to heal from everything that happened. Her sleepless nights didn't help. The nightmares only made it worse, but she felt like a failure if she told anyone how scared she actually was.


	7. Cold as stone

A/N: It took me a while to get this chapter ready. I didn't like it at first, but I decided to post it because I kept going in this direction. This chapter is set in 7x01. I know it's late, but I want to wish everyone a Happy New year!

Special thanks to samcarter1980 and jekkah!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**Chapter 7: Cold as stone**

In the following three months JJ had been promoted and reinstated. She was now a profiler and she was back with the team. She still wasn't allowed in the field, but being back at the BAU felt like coming home. She was finally around the people she loved and that made her feel much better. It was easier for JJ because Hotch had been gone. After the downsizing of the team he had been assigned to lead an investigative taskforce in Pakistan. He was supposed to be back in another three months. JJ hadn't seen him since the confrontation in Rossi's office. A part of her missed him and she couldn't understand why. She was still mad at him, but every part of her body ached for him.

JJ walked through the hallways of the BAU offices. The nerves were getting worse with each second. It appeared that Morgan had been looking for Doyle for seven months and now he actually caught him. JJ knew Morgan had been in contact with Hotch and that he was coming back from Pakistan. He was going to arrive at any second. Her heart skipped a beat when she heard the familiar footsteps coming up from behind her. ''Hotch?'' she asked before turning around. ''You're back.'' she said after turning around. He looked different. He hadn't shaved for a while and he looked thinner. It wasn't a good kind of thin. It scared her a bit. But his eyes were the exact same.

''Hi, JJ.'' he said simply. ''How have you been? I haven't seen you in…''

''…in three months.'' she interrupted. ''Why are you back?''

''Emily got the news about Declan's abduction.'' he explained quickly.

''We can try to find him without Emily, Hotch.'' she started. ''We can't put the team through this now.''

''It's time, JJ.''

JJ shook her head in disagreement. She was finally settled again. She felt at home and the team was happy to have her back. She knew the return of Emily could ruin everything, but on the other hand she couldn't wait to see Emily again. ''How am I supposed to tell them that I'm the one who did all of this?''

''I'm taking full responsibility, JJ. I'll tell the team that I ordered you and part of your former unit to keep it all a secret. I don't mind.'' he said and he was about to walk away when JJ grabbed his arms to keep him in his place.

''You can't do that!''

''JJ, stop!'' he ordered. ''You don't have a say in this anymore. I'm your boss. It's that easy.'' he said fiercely and he walked away afterwards.

JJ forcer herself to put one foot in front of the other. Hotch was about to tell the team that Emily was alive and she didn't want to see the look on their faces, knowing she was the cause of their pain and the immense betrayal they were going to feel. Haziness surrounded her as she walked into the conference room and took a spot next to Hotch. Everyone on the team was sitting down at the round table as she kept standing.

''Seven months ago I made a decision that affected this team.'' he started. ''As you all know, Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle, but the doctors were able to stabilize her. And she was airlifted from Boston to Bethesda under covert exfiltration.'' he went on. ''Her identity was strictly need to know. And she stayed there until she was well enough to travel. She was reassigned in Paris, where she was given several identities, none of which we had access to for her security.''

JJ knew Hotch wasn't going to involve her, but she needed the team to know that she knew about Emily as well. She couldn't lie about that. ''I flew down to Paris to give her the identities.'' she added and the look on Hotch's face was one of anger and surprise.

''She's alive?'' Garcia asked.

''But we buried her.'' Reid stated in disbelief.

''You knew about this, JJ?'' Morgan asked angrily.

JJ was about to say something when Hotch interjected. ''As I said, I take full responsibility for the decision. If anyone has any issues, they should be directed toward me.''

''Any issues?'' Morgan asked. ''Yeah, I got issues.''

It was that moment when Emily walked in the room. Everyone couldn't believe what was happening. Confusing faces were one of the many expression the team had in that moment. The expression on JJ's face was one of happiness when she saw one of her best friends again.

Emily tried to explain everything to the team, but she wanted to find Declan first. Emily and JJ walked out of Garcia's office to go back to the conference room.

''So, you're actually back?'' Emily asked as she closed the door behind her.

''They had been looking for your replacement when Rossi came to me with the idea.''

''That's great.'' Emily laughed. ''How's Will with the long hours again?''

''Long story.''

''I haven't seen Ashley.''

JJ's expression had turned a bit emotional after the mentioning of Will's name. ''Oh, she transferred to Andy Swan's unit.''

''Good for her.'' Emily said quickly. ''So, how angry is the team?''

''They're in shock.''

''Of course.'' she said. Emily stopped in front of the bullpen doors. ''Thank you!''

''It is really really good to see you!'' JJ said with a smile on her face.

Emily looked into the eyes of the blonde and she saw something different. There was a distance she had never seen in her eyes before. ''JJ, are you okay?'' she asked with worry in her voice.

''I'm fine, Em. I promise.'' she reassured.

''You don't look fine to me.'' Emily started. ''What's going on? JJ, you can tell me. I know I've been gone for seven months but that doesn't mean that you can't talk to me anymore.''

JJ stopped in her tracks and she turned around to face Emily. ''I was attacked about four months ago.''

''What?'' Emily gasped. ''JJ, what happened?''

JJ wiped away a tear from the corner of her eye. ''I was shot and stabbed in my apartment when I got home.'' she explained, realizing this was actually the first time she was opening up about the attack. ''Dave Castillo did it to me. He was on trial for drug trafficking. We knew he was involved in several drug related murders, but we never had enough evidence to stick it on him. He got out on bail and then he attacked me.'' JJ gently leaned against the wall behind her. The expression on Emily's made her go on. ''He was arrested by MPD.''

''I'm so sorry.''

''Don't be. I'm fine.'' JJ said quickly before walking back into the conference room, but Emily stopped her by stepping in front of her.

''You don't look fine, JJ. Maybe you should talk to Hotch about this. He'll make sure your alright during work.''

''He doesn't need to know anything.'' JJ snapped.

''Okay. I'm sorry.'' Emily whispered as she followed JJ back into the conference room.

By eleven o'clock in the evening, everyone was in the conference room. The team took down four international criminals and Declan was saved. And the team got the news that they were all cleared. Suspensions were lifted and everyone was officially back together. Emily accepted the job offer immediately.

JJ slowly pulled away from Morgan's arms and she looked Hotch in the eye for a moment. ''I need to go home. Henry is waiting for me.'' she explained.

''I'll walk you out.'' Rossi said, knowing Emily or Hotch was about to object. The looks on their faces told him enough. ''Let's go, kid.''

JJ and Rossi quickly said their goodbyes. They reached the elevator in silence. But JJ finally let out a deep sigh when the doors closed behind them.

''I don't know how do to this.'' Rossi said in a whisper.

''Do what?'' JJ asked, her voice filled with confusion.

''JJ, you know you're like a daughter to me, but I can't keep doing this.'' he said. ''You keep telling me that you're fine, but you're not. I can see it.''

''Dave, don't go there.'' she said angrily. ''I'm sick and tired of people questioning me.''

''I get that, but you have to understand that we're all worried about you.'' Rossi tried to explain.

''I just need to some time to figure out what I want, Dave.''

''What do you mean?'' he asked. ''Are you thinking about leaving?''

''I don't know.'' she mumbled. ''I don't know anything right now.''

''Just talk to me before you make a rational decision.''

''I will.'' she said as the doors opened. She walked out and quickly made her way towards her car. Once she was inside, she couldn't keep the tears away. She was completely broken. Both her work life and home life were a complete mess and she had no idea how she could possibly fix any of it.

In the meantime Emily was the only one left in the conference room. The team was exhausted and they decided to go out for a celebratory breakfast in the morning. She took a look around the familiar conference room. She had both good and bad memories from that place. Dozens of horrifying cases were introduced to them in that same room. But those cases didn't take away the good moments she had experienced.

She made her way out of the conference room when she noticed that the lights in Hotch's office were still on. She quietly made her to his office and she opened the door without knocking. She saw him put away a photo frame when she walked in.

She took a seat across from and she was finally able to notice something different about him. ''How are you, Hotch?''

He sat straight up. ''I should be the one asking you that.''

''No, I'm asking you.'' she explained. ''It's like everyone has changed. JJ has been acting strangely. She looks like she hasn't been sleeping for months and you…'' she stopped there. Her thoughts suddenly started racing. JJ got defensive the moments she talked about Hotch. And she just noticed a twinkle in Hotch's eyes when she started talking about JJ. ''JJ got all defensive when I mentioned you.''

''She's been through a lot. She probably told you about the attack.''

''Yeah, she did.'' Emily said simply. ''What exactly happened?''

Hotch clenched his hands together. ''She was able to call 911 before passing out. I was informed by her colleague that she was in the hospital. Rossi and I rushed to the hospital. A doctor told us she was in surgery. She went into shock and she suffered a pneumothorax. One of the stab wounds was to her chest and a bullet tore through her liver.'' he explained. ''After four hours the doctors told us she was stable and that she was allowed to leave the hospital in three days. But she spent two weeks in the hospital because she suffered cardiac arrest after the removal of her chest tube. They were able to stabilize her once again. She was able to leave the hospital two weeks later. She and Henry stayed at Garcia's while JJ recovered.''

''Oh my god.'' Emily exclaimed. ''Where was Will?''

''They're separated. JJ filed for divorce before I left for Pakistan.''

''Why? I thought they were doing great.''

''I don't why. All I know is that Will never deserved JJ in the first place.'' he said boldly.

Hotch caught Emily by surprise with his remark. In the years that she had known him, he was never one to judge anyone else's lives. ''I just think we need to keep an eye on her. She doesn't look so good and I'm really worried about her.''

''So am I.'' he agreed. ''I'll talk to her tomorrow.'' Hotch said to reassure Emily a bit. She had been through enough and she needed rest as well.

* * *

The next morning the entire team was sitting in a local restaurant for breakfast. The moods at the table were different. Emily and Garcia were in deep conversation about Sergio while Reid was summing up facts about bacon. JJ was listening to Reid to make him think someone was interested.

JJ excused herself when she needed to go to the restroom. She made her way towards the restroom and she never noticed that Hotch followed her. She was about to walk inside when a hand took a grip on her wrist. She turned around in shock, ready to fight whoever touched her. She turned around and she saw the stunned face of Hotch in front of her.

''You scared me.''

''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, JJ.'' he said softly while letting go of her wrist. ''How are you holding up?''

''I'm okay. Thanks.''

''JJ, could you please be honest with me for at least a second.'' he said, irritation present in his voice. He was about to continue when his phone went off. He picked it up while JJ escaped into the restroom.

Hotch finished the call before JJ got out of the restroom and he decided to wait for her. He noticed the anger on her face when she left the restroom. JJ turned around to face him. ''Can you leave me alone?'' she asked.

''That's going to be very difficult.'' he replied. ''We have a case in New-York.''

''Do we have to go in now?''

''Yeah, three bodies have been found all over the city.'' he explained. ''All the victims were shot in the head from a distance.''

''We're dealing with a sniper?'' she asked.

''NYPD thinks so, which means they really need our help. The last time we dealt with a sniper was about six years ago. There have been no known cases ever since.''

''Don't we call them long distance serial killers?''

''You remember that?'' he asked in surprise as he looked into her eyes.

''I'll never forget that case. You and Reid were in a hostage situation. That's something I'll never forget, Hotch.'' she said quickly. Hotch stopped in his tracks as JJ rejoined the team.

* * *

It was seven hours later when the team was ready to give the profile of the person they were looking for. The unsub had killed four more people in a short amount of time. The team had been on edge as the victims started to pile up. It wasn't just another day at the office. It was more horror than they ever wanted to see or feel.

''Long distance serial killers are very rare. This unsub doesn't care about the pain his victims suffers. He doesn't enjoy to watch them die.'' Rossi started.

''All of our victims have had recent success in their lives like promotions. Each victim was living a happy life. This means our unsub wants to take away their luck and project it onto himself.'' Morgan added.

''All the victims have no connections to each other. This means were looking for someone who holds a job that allows him to meet people.'' Emily added.

''Our victims probably talked to our unsub about their happiness. This means there was a certain amount of trust between the unsub and our victims.'' Reid said and he looked to his side when JJ needed to continue.

JJ looked up when she realized it was her turn to add to the profile. ''Look for waiters or bartenders. Our unsub most likely works in a social establishment.''

Hotch took over when JJ stopped. ''Our unsub is between the ages of 30-40. He lives alone and lost everything that's important to him. It's likely that he has been in the military or law enforcement.''

''With killing these people, he tries to show that success can be short lived.'' Rossi added before the profile was done.

The team took a seat at the table when a phone rang. ''Baby girl?'' Morgan asked.

''_I found someone who fit the description perfectly.'' _Penelope beamed. _''Jeffrey Tate is a bartender in a bar in Brooklyn. Three of our victims went there recently.''_

''Text us the address Garcia.'' Hotch ordered.

''_I will, sir.''_

Hotch rose from his chair. ''Let's go.'' he ordered.

JJ rose from her seat and she followed the team, but she stopped when Hotch called out her name. ''What?''

''You haven't been cleared to go into the field.'' Hotch explained.

''My doctor cleared me three days ago. I forgot to take the papers with me.'' she lied, knowing it was going take a long time before she was cleared.

''Okay, but I want you to be careful.'' Hotch said before JJ left.

The team reached the address an hour later. SWAT and NYPD was ready to go inside. The team had put on their vests and their guns were drawn. The team had split up into groups. Hotch insisted that JJ stayed with him at all times. She agreed because he wasn't going let her join if she didn't. The door was kicked down and the team moved inside quickly. The house was all cleared when JJ and Hotch reached the upstairs bedrooms. JJ took a look out the window and she noticed a small barn on the property. She raced through the house and she went outside. She heard Hotch followed her when she stopped in front of the barn. She kicked down the door which caused a jolt of pain to go through her chest. She fell down on the ground and in that moment Jeffrey Tate appeared with a gun pointed at JJ.

''JJ?'' Hotch yelled as he stepped inside the barn. He saw JJ on the ground with a gun pointed at her. ''Jeffrey! FBI! Drop the gun!''

''No!''

''Drop the gun!''

''Jeffrey, killing all these people doesn't help you.'' JJ said to get his attention.

''They had luck in their lives while I got all the shit. I lost my family. I got fired. They took away what I deserved.'' Jeffrey yelled to her.

The adrenaline was pumping through her veins. She had to focus. She had to get out alive. ''I know what happened to you when you were in the army, Jeffrey. But the people you killed had nothing to do with that.''

''You don't know anything!'' he yelled louder.

''Don't! Drop the gun! You're not getting out of here!'' Hotch threatened.

''I do know what it's like.'' JJ started as she carefully lifted the hem of her shirt to show the scars on her body. ''I know what it's like to feel the bullet tear through your skin. I know what it feels like to feel the life leave your body.''

Jeffrey lowered the gun slowly, but he lifted it again when Hotch took a step towards JJ. ''You're lying!''

''I was attacked in my own home. I was stabbed and shot in my own home. I can still feel the knife in my chest. I relive it every day, Jeffrey! I know what it's like.'' she repeated.

Hotch couldn't believe what he was hearing. He knew JJ never intended for him to hear it, but it was her way to get the unsub to surrender. Hotch felt relief go through him when Morgan and Rossi joined them in the barn. All the guns were pointed at Jeffrey, but he wasn't surrendering yet.

''Let her go!'' Rossi said fiercely.

Hotch put his gun at his waist and he stepped behind the other members of the team to get to JJ. He took a few steps until he was standing behind the blonde who was obviously in a lot pain.

Jeffrey stepped forward and he was about to press the trigger when Morgan shot him twice. He fell to the ground. Hotch was helping JJ up at the same time. He lifted her up into his arms as her hands went around his neck. He put her down in the back of the SUV and he climbed in next to her.

''I can't believe you lied to me.'' he whispered as he put his jacket over her shivering body. ''Do you have any idea how lucky we all were in there?''

''Please, don't start!'' she pleaded as she tried to sit up in the seat.

''I know you've been going through a rough time. I just don't know why you lied to me.''

''I don't need to explain myself to you.'' she said angrily.

''You're right!'' he agreed. ''You don't need to when it comes to your personal life, but you do need to explain yourself when it affects your work, JJ.''

''Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to see you?'' she asked in disbelief. ''Let alone talk to you. Do you really think I want to admit that I feel like a mess to the one person who broke my heart into pieces?''

''I want to do what's best for you, JJ. I'm willing to keep our relationship professional if it makes you happy. I'm not willing to compromise your happiness.''

''I'm sorry.'' she apologized.

''It's fine, but don't do this again. I won't report this to Strauss.''

''Thanks.'' she mumbled softly when Hotch left the car. Another case was over. Another unsub was caught, but the victims still died. It made JJ realize how lucky she was to be alive. She survived. She made it. She had a life to live.


	8. Small bump

A/N: This chapter is set in 7x02. The next chapter will begin right after the events of this chapter. I hope you all like it!

Special thanks to samcarter1980 and jekkah!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**Chapter 8: Small bump**

Hotch was preparing the next case when a knock on his door startled him. He quickly regained his composure. ''Come in.''

Emily stepped inside the office and closed the door behind her. She saw Hotch looking at her with questions written all over his face. ''We need to talk about JJ.'' she announced as she sat down in a chair.

''Again?''

Emily sighed deeply. Hotch promised her, he would look after JJ but Emily hadn't seen any difference in her friend's behavior. ''Have you talked to her recently?''

His eyes met hers, knowing his answer wasn't a good one. He had tried, but JJ kept everything extremely professional. He was never able to ask her something about her personal life, which seemed normal to him. He broke her heart and he didn't want to break it further. ''Not since the case in New-York three weeks ago.'' he replied. ''Why? She seems fine to me. I've never seen a rookie profiler analyze and write up cases as well as JJ has been doing during case rotation.''

''This is going to sound selfish. I know that, but something needs to be done.'' Emily sat straight up as she prepared herself. ''I have my own problems, Hotch. I'm worried sick about her. She stayed with me for an entire week and she woke up with nightmares every single night. She isn't fine. She might act like it, but I know exactly what's happening to her. I've had the same problems in Paris. No one was there to help me, but we can help JJ. She needs it.''

''What kind of problems?''

''She feels like her sense of security has been ripped away from her. When she walks down the street, she has her hand on her gun at all times, due to her hyper vigilance.'' she went on. ''She probably doesn't feel safe in her own home anymore. JJ isn't doing fine and I think you need to wake up and see it! You're her boss. Order her to go to therapy.'' Emily said fiercely before walking out the door, not knowing that she just left Hotch with feelings of quilt.

His hand went through his hair as he tried to think of a solution. He couldn't get to close to JJ. He didn't want to order her to do anything. But apparently, she did need some help. Well, she needed to talk someone. That would be the start.

JJ walked through the hallways when she ran into Emily, who just came out of the restroom. JJ quickly caught up with her. ''I'm done!'' she exclaimed.

''So you finished the course?''

''Hmm, and completed my case rotation.'' she answered as they kept walking.

Emily forced a smile on her face because she wanted to be happy for her friend. ''Hotch said he has never seen a rookie profiler analyze and write up cases as well as you.''

The comment made JJ smile. She couldn't help but feel some pride that Hotch noticed that she could do the job. ''He said that?''

''Yeah,'' she replied. ''Well, after all the cases you presented over the years, I'm not surprised.''

They finally walked around the corner when Reid stormed out of the elevator. ''Hey, where have you been? I wanted to brunch this weekend…'' JJ said, but Reid kept walking.

''I had to deal with some stuff with my mom.'' he said quickly. ''Have you seen Garcia?''

''She's with Rossi.'' she answered. She turned around to Emily when Reid was already gone. ''He hates me.''

''He was just busy. Let it go!''

Emily was already halfway towards the conference room when JJ kept standing at the glass doors. She expected the team to have questions about Emily. She just didn't except Reid to act so strange.

''We have a case, JJ.'' Hotch said as he walked up from behind her. He stopped for a moment when JJ turned around.

''I know.'' she said as her mind was trailing off. ''Has Reid said anything to you lately?''

''No.'' he answered simply. ''Why?''

''Never mind.'' She turned on her heels and made her way to the conference room, leaving Hotch behind with even more questions.

* * *

The team arrived in Oklahoma two days earlier. Women had been found murdered, being robbed of one of their five senses. They were more victims as the team kept working on a profile. They were able to give the profile after one day with the hopes of finding the unsub. The team was on edge during the case. Reid was angry and frustrated the entire time and he ignored JJ when she tried to talk to him.

JJ followed Reid into the small conference room after they had given the locals the profile. She knew he was angry. She just wanted to explain why she did what she did. ''Spence!'' she called out. Reid turned around for a second, but he kept walking. ''We got to talk about this.'' she suggested.

''What do you want to talk about?'' he asked, his voice low and filled with coldness.

''I get it, okay.'' she started. ''You're disappointed with the way we handled Emily.''

He turned around again. ''Look, I've a lot going on, alright?''

JJ turned around to face him as he walked away. ''You..you know what I think it is?'' she asked.

''What?''

''You're mad that Hotch and I controlled our micro expressions at the hospital, and you weren't able to detect our deception.'' she suggested.

''You think this is about my profiling skills?'' he began. ''Jennifer, listen! The only reason you were able to manage my perceptions is because I trusted you. I came to your house for ten weeks in a row, crying over losing a friend and not once did you have the decency to tell me the truth.''

The emotions were written all over JJ's face. ''I couldn't!''

''You couldn't or you wouldn't?'' Reid asked angrily.

''No, I couldn't!''

Reid was about to shake his head, but he started talking. ''What if I started taking dilaudid again? Would you have let me?''

''You didn't.''

''Yeah, but I thought about it!'' he said, turning around afterwards.

''Spence!'' she called out again. He turned around again with his arms in the air as if he was questioning everything she was saying. ''I'm sorry!''

''It's too late, alright!'' he said at last.

Reid disappeared as JJ's eyes started to water. The team was standing across from her and all eyes were on her. She felt every ounce of strength flowing away. She never wanted to hurt Reid. He was like a little brother to her. She stormed out of the small conference room, trying to escape the stares. She made her way outside the station. The streets were busy, so there was no possible escape for her. She turned around when she realized she had the keys to one of the SUV's. She made a run for it and she climbed inside within seconds. She was sitting in the backseat of the car, when a knock on the window made her cringe. The tall dark haired man who used to be her lover was standing outside with an expression of fear. He opened the door and took a seat next to her with enough distance between them.

He looked to his side. A tear fell down her soft skin. He wanted to hold her tight and keep her close, but he promised to keep a distance. ''Hey.'' It was all he could say for now. Words were slowly disappearing from his brain.

''Hi.'' she greeted back without looking at him.

''I just wanted to let you know that you did a great job on your case rotation, JJ.'' he started off, trying to lighten up her mood. ''You're a good profiler and with a little more experience, you might become the best.''

''Thank you, sir.''

''You don't need to thank me. It's the truth, JJ.'' He shrugged his shoulders. ''Are you okay? Reid was out of line.''

She shook her head in disagreement. ''No, Reid was right. I should've told him. I should've told the team. They had a right to know.''

''There was nothing you could've done differently. It was all about saving Emily.''

''I just don't know how much more I can lose because of this job. It has taken away so much from me. I don't know if it's worth the cost anymore.'' she admitted to him. She looked into his eyes and as always, a comfort fell over her. The attraction and tension was still there. Nothing could ever make that disappear. The moments she was close to him, she wished she could claim him as hers.

''You want to quit?''

''I don't know.'' she replied. ''All I know is that it hurts. It hurts to talk. It hurts to breathe, Hotch. I don't know how much more I can take.''

''I can help you. I can try. I can be there for you.'' he suggested.

She knew he was telling the truth. She could hear it. But most of all, she could see it. His gaze had softened. He looked at her the same way he did when they were all alone in that hotel room. It was a memory she never wanted to forget. It was a moment of weakness as well as a moment of gain. She learned what it was like to truly be loved by another person.

''I can't. We can't.'' she began. ''You're still with Beth. I just know I can't be near you.''

''Beth isn't what I'm looking for, JJ. She isn't you.'' he said. ''I've waited for someone like you my entire life. I think I've waited for you for the past seven years. I'll wait for you for the rest of my life if I have to. Even if it means giving you up for the rest of my life. I'll wait. I love you so much that nothing will ever change that.''

''That's not fair. You can't just say that.''

''I lost you once and I will not lose you a second time, JJ.'' he tried to explain.

''No you didn't, Hotch!'' she said angrily. ''You never lost me. Because you can't lose something you never had!''

JJ was storming out of the car before Hotch could say another word. She was right. He never really had her. He wished he did. He would do anything to get her back. But it was going to take more than a few words. He knew JJ was lost. Everything she ever believed in had been shattered. Love, friends and family. She needed to find it all again. It was still there, but she had lost her belief in it.


	9. No one

A/N: This chapter is still set in 7x02.

Special thanks to jekkah (I hope I'm not writing JJ too emotional. Thanks for the review!).

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**Chapter 9: No one**

The team was back at the BAU three days later. They had apprehended the unsub and saved a girl's life in the process. The team was supposed to go to Rossi's house for a cooking lesson. Emily tried to convince Reid to go. She explained to him that what JJ and Hotch did, was their only choice to save her. JJ had barely talked to anyone on the team in the following days. She wanted to close the case and go home to be with her son. Will was barely in Henry's life anymore. JJ wanted to do everything she could to give her son the mother he deserved. But her desperation was slowly getting to her. At night it slowly sneaked up on her. She was trying to be perfect when she was feeling like a mess. The attack still took over her nights of sleep.

JJ was sitting behind her desk in the empty bullpen. She finished her reports early because she wanted to go home early, but Will called her with the news that he was back in town for a while. He wanted Henry for the rest of the week and JJ didn't want to be standing in the way of that. JJ knew it was important for Henry to spent time with his father. She didn't want her son to blame her for keeping him away from his own father.

''JJ.'' a familiar voice called out from behind her.

JJ turned around when she recognized the voice. ''Will?'' she asked in surprise.

''Hey, how have you been?'' he asked as he made his way toward her. ''You look tired.''

JJ couldn't believe her eyes. Will was actually standing in front of her. She hadn't seen him since the hospital. She didn't have the urge to see him, but unresolved feelings were resurfacing as he stood in front of her. ''I'm fine. How have you been?''

''I'm doing okay considering everything.'' he replied. ''I signed the papers about a week ago.''

''Why are you here, Will?''

He leaned on the edge of a desk. ''I heard about Emily. I'm so sorry that you had to keep a secret like that. I guess it explains why you were having such a hard time.''

She shrugged her shoulders. ''How did you find out?''

''Henry said that auntie Em had come back to life.'' Will answered.

JJ couldn't help but laugh. ''He's a smart kid.''

''Yeah, he is.'' he agreed. ''Henry is still with the sitter. I just wanted to talk to you before I took him with me.''

''What do you want to talk about, Will?''

''I've decided to stay here. I can't stay in New-Orleans when my son lives here with you. I want to be in his life no matter what. I can get my old job back, so there'll be no problems.''

''That's great.'' JJ said with a smile on her face. She didn't expect it to be so easy to talk to Will again. She was glad they could act like adults. ''It's good to see you, Will.'' she said bluntly.

''Yeah, it's really good to see you. I'm glad that we can be civil.'' He finally took a seat in a chair and he pulled up closer to JJ. He leaned forward a gave her a quick kiss on her cheek. ''Are you back in the field already?''

JJ shook her head, but the question on Will's face made her speak. ''Some complications occurred in the hospital. I was in the hospital for nearly two weeks.'' she explained simply.

''I'm so sorry for the way I acted in the hospital, JJ.'' he apologized. ''I made so many mistakes when it comes to you. I wish I could take them all back, but I guess you already moved on with Hotchner.''

His words were a kick to her stomach. She wished more than anything that it was that simple, but it wasn't. Reality was all too real. ''I made the mistake, Will. I fell in love with someone who's unavailable all the time.'' she paused, taking a deep breath. Her eyes were starting to water. ''He's still with Beth. He keeps telling me that he loves me, but he's still with someone else. How am I supposed to compete with that?''

Will was shocked to hear that JJ was actually single. He thought she filed for divorce because she wanted to be with someone else. ''I don't know, JJ. I'm sorry.''

''You don't have to be, Will.'' She rose from her chair and gathered her stuff. ''I'm going to Rossi's. I'll see you and Henry next week. I'll call you tomorrow.''

''Bye.'' he whispered as he watched her walk away. His attention went to the kitchenette when he heard someone going through the cabinets. He saw Hotch standing there. His anger once again resurfaced. He hated the man. He had every right to.

He made his way toward Hotch and he stopped behind him. ''Hotchner!'' he called out.

Hotch turned around. He had seen JJ and Will talk in the bullpen. Their closeness made him extremely jealous. ''Will?''

''You know, I'd love to kick your ass right now. But I won't do it because JJ would hate me for it.'' he warned Hotch. ''What are you doing to her?'' he asked angrily.

''Nothing!''

''It looks like you lost her before you ever really had her. Stop screwing with her head. Be with Beth or break up with her. Don't tell JJ you love her when you're with someone else. She deserves better than that.'' Will said angrily. He turned around and started to make his way to the elevator.

Hotch didn't expect Will to be defending JJ. Things between JJ and Will ended badly at the hospital. He didn't know what he was supposed to say. Now he could only go to Rossi's and try to have a nice evening with the team and JJ.


	10. A dark turn

A/N: This chapter is set in 7x06.

Special thanks to samcarter1980 and the guest reviewers!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**Chapter 10: A dark turn**

The teams help had been requested in California. After the briefing the team immediately flew down to California to help the police to the find the unsub. They finally started to notice the distance in JJ's behavior. She did her job, but when it came to personal conversations, she was closed off. Hotch barely talked to her after his conversation with Will the month before. He knew Will was right about JJ. But JJ didn't seem to be feeling better. She looked tired all the time and she had become irritable.

Hotch was standing in the small room. The team was sitting at the table. JJ had her back turned toward him. They were trying to figure out why the unsub brought his victims back to life.

Morgan was hesitant about the theories they were going through. ''Come on guys, gentle lights, shadowy figures? Those are the lights in the emergency room and the doctors hovering over the patient. We all know that.'' he stated. ''No one actually sees the afterlife!'' he added.

Reid interrupted. ''I did.'' he said, with pain in his voice. ''Before Tobias Hankel resuscitated me, I had that exact experience and I wasn't in an emergency room. I was in a shed.'' he explained.

Morgan was surprised by Reid's interjection. ''Reid, you never told me that.''

''I'm a man of science. I didn't know how to deal with it.'' Reid admitted to the whole room, knowing everyone was listening closely. ''There's no quantifiable proof that god exists and yet in that moment I was faced with something that I couldn't explain. Still can't.''

Hotch knew the team was on the right track. ''What if this unsub has had a similar experience and this is his way of looking for answers?''

''If that's the case, why kill Jake Sheppard? Why not just talk to him?'' Rossi asked.

The subject was hard for Emily. She had been through it. ''He wanted to see if he had the same experience as before.'' she answered.

JJ could hear the emotion in Emily's voice. She could relate to her. ''Once isn't enough?''

Emily looked at JJ for a second. ''Not if Jake didn't see the same thing the unsub did.'' Emily replied. ''He wants to know if the experience can change. I can relate to that.'' she said. She saw the shocking faces of the team staring at her. She knew she needed to explain. ''Uhh, Reid felt a warmth and saw a light.'' she started. ''When I coded in the ambulance, all I felt was cold and darkness, and I would like to think that there's a different future waiting for me.''

''You actually died?'' Reid asked with shock.

''All right, but resuscitation is hit or miss. He can't guarantee that he can actually bring anyone back. Let alone that anyone will remember what happened in their moment of so-called death.'' Morgan said.

''I remembered.'' JJ interrupted.

Hotch's attention turned to JJ immediately. ''What?''

''Reid and Emily remembered. So did I.'' she said softly. ''Both Reid and Emily had a different experience.'' she started. ''When I coded in the hospital, I literally saw my life flash before my eyes. It was like an out of body experience. I could actually see myself lying on the operating table.'' She looked down at the ground when she knew all eyes were on her.

''So, you think people will mostly remember what happens in their moment of death?'' Morgan asked her.

''I remember everything.'' she answered. ''I can still remember everything that happened after I was attacked at home. So, yeah I think most people will remember what happens in their moments of death.''

* * *

The team was back on the jet six hours later. After the admission of the team, a call came in with new leads for the team. Their unsub had two new possible victims. The team ended up at a lake where the unsub tried to killed someone. They were able to save the victims, which was another victory for the team. Not every case ended well.

JJ had a seat at the end of the plane. She wanted to sit in private without anyone watching her. It had been hard for her to keep her pain from the team. She knew they could see it.

''JJ,'' Hotch called out he made his way toward her. ''Can we talk?''

JJ nodded and stayed silent. She watched as he sat down in front of her. The man who hurt her, but somehow it didn't change the way she felt.

''I wanted to apologize for the way I've been acting.'' he began. ''Everything I said to you was irresponsible. I let my feelings cloud my judgment and I won't do it again.''

JJ felt angry that he was apologizing after such a long time. It was too late for it. The hurt was irreversible. ''Don't you think it's a little too late for that?'' she asked in a whisper. She didn't want anyone to hear their conversation. Rossi was still the only one who knew about their short-lived affair. ''You can't undo what you did. Yet, I'm still trying to fight for you. But I haven't seen that coming from you. I can't keep doing this, Hotch.''

''Are you saying you want to give up on us?'' he asked, realizing his question wasn't fair. ''I thought you wanted this!''

She sat straight up in her seat. ''I didn't want any of it!'' she said a little louder. ''You think I wanted to cheat on my husband? Do you think I wanted to fall in love and get my heart broken? Do you really think I wanted to lose the best thing in my life?'' she asked, noticing his blank expression. ''You just don't see it, do you?''

''I'm so sorry.'' he apologized again.

''I don't want to hear an apology.'' she said angrily. ''Your apologies make my decision easier.''

''What decision?''

''I need to move on. I need to let go of what we had. It isn't reality anymore and I don't know if it ever will be again. I can't hold onto something that happened.'' She shifted her weight. She couldn't sit still for some reason. She was scared for what she was about to do.

Hotch's hand reached out to hers. He knew what she was doing. It was written in her eyes. He wanted to claim the last touch. To savor every last moment he could get with her. He heard a deep breath escape her lips. He could see she was avoiding eye contact.

''Are you happy with her?'' she asked, with pain in her voice.

''I think so.'' he answered simply. ''She's sweet and I think I could love her one day.''

''That's good, Hotch. You deserve to be happy.'' she whispered, her voice tender and full of emotion. ''This is good. It's time for this.'' she began to explain. ''It's time for me to let you go, and that is extremely difficult for me to do because every bone in my body wants to be with you, but I can't keeping doing this when it only causes me pain.'' Her ocean blue eyes were filled with tears. ''It's hard because a part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life. Our short times meant the world to me, Aaron.'' she said, letting go if his hand and standing up. This was it. It was her final choice. Her final words to let go of him. She expected that it was going to be hard to move on, but she needed it. The hurt had become unbearable.

He didn't want to let her go, but it was what they both needed. He was only hurting her. It wasn't their time. Maybe one day in the future it would be. Now they could only be co-workers and nothing more.

* * *

The plane landed in DC under a cloudy sky. It was late and Hotch allowed everyone to go home. They could catch up on their paperwork later. It had been a rough case with personal stakes. Everyone needed the rest. JJ and Rossi were the only ones who went back to the BAU to make a quick start on the paperwork. JJ had nothing to go home to since Henry was with Will for the week. To her surprise even Hotch went home. She knew he went home to Jack and she knew it was good he wasn't spending every last minute of the day in his office.

JJ put a stack of finished reports on Hotch's desk for approval. She was about to walk away when she froze instantly. She stood in the middle of his dark office when the tears finally came out. Tears were streaming down her face. She hated it when she cried. She didn't want to be overly emotional. She didn't want to be weak.

Rossi was about to walk down the stairs when he noticed someone in Hotch's office. He turned around and made his way inside. There he saw a small figure standing with arms wrapped around her body. Her long blonde hair was hanging over her shoulders. ''JJ?''

She didn't turn around. Instead, she stayed frozen in her spot. ''I had to let him go.'' she whispered as Rossi stood in front of her.

He put his hands on her shoulders. ''Ohh, JJ.'' he whispered. ''Come here, kiddo.'' he said as he pulled her into a hug.

She started sobbing against his shoulder as her body was shaking. ''I had to let him go, Dave.'' she whispered again. ''I didn't want to, but he kept hurting me.''

''I know, JJ. You did the right thing.''

She finally pulled away, wiping away the tears from her face. ''You think so?''

''He should've fought for you, JJ. It just shows me that he never deserved you in the first place. He's not worth your tears if he keeps hurting you like this. Moving on will take time, but you'll be doing great once you have. And then you'll find someone who deserves you.''

''Thank you, Dave.''

''Do you want to get some coffee?''

''Sure.''

* * *

In the meantime Hotch was coming home. He opened the door to his apartment. When he opened the door, he saw Beth sitting on his couch with two glasses of wine. He dropped his bag to the floor and quickly took a seat next to her. The wine disappeared into his throat within seconds.

''What happened?'' Beth asked, noticing Hotch's defeated demeanor. ''Is it JJ again?'' she asked with spite and jealousy.

Hotch sighed deeply. He knew exactly how Beth felt about JJ. Hotch told Beth, he and JJ had something in the past. She just didn't know when or how it all played out. She knew he had feelings for JJ once. In the beginning she didn't seem to mind, but now she was becoming territorial. ''Yeah.'' he whispered.

''What exactly happened?'' she repeated.

''Prentiss, Reid and JJ talked about their experiences when they almost died.'' he answered. ''JJ seemed really emotional. It just took me by surprise.'' he admitted. ''She's having a hard time and I don't know what to do about it.''

''You shouldn't do anything about it, Aaron. I think she can manage on her own.'' Beth said angrily as she stood up from the couch.

''Did I say something wrong?''

Beth turned around with pain written all over her face. ''I keep telling myself that you're over her, but I just don't see it.'' she tried to explain. ''What the hell happened between the two of you? And don't tell me she's the one who dumped you because I just don't believe it. There's something you're not telling me.''

A silence fell in the room. Beth wasn't going to let this go. She wanted to know what had happened between Hotch and JJ. ''When were the two of you together?'' she demanded.

''After we met. It was before we started dating, Beth.'' he explained calmly. ''JJ and I spent one night together after a though case. It was a moment of weakness.'' he lied, knowing JJ wasn't a weakness. For some parts she was. But sleeping with her was something he had imagined for years. It turned out better than expected. At first he thought it was just physical, but after their night together, he realized he fell for the blonde agent.

''Are you kidding me?'' Beth asked with shock.

''It didn't mean anything, Beth.'' he lied again, trying to keep her from yelling.

''How could it not?'' she asked angrily. ''You've known her for seven years. I had to mean something.''

''There's nothing between JJ and I. There never was and never will be anything. You have to believe me.'' he pleaded.

''I don't know what to believe me anymore. I thought this was real.'' she said as she looked at him. ''But you've been lying to me the entire time.''

''Can we talk about this?''

''I need to think first. I'll see you later.'' she said before disappearing out the door.

Hotch dropped back on the couch. Beth was sweet and beautiful. She was everything he always wanted. She was his own age, she was a serious adult, she was passionate about her work and she smiled. But she wasn't JJ. She didn't have JJ's smile or JJ's passion. She wasn't anything like JJ and in the end that made Beth wrong for him. He only wanted JJ. He didn't know how she got to him, but she somehow did and he didn't know if he could ever let her go.


	11. The painful truth

A/N: This chapter will finally explain Hotch's behavior. I know he has been acting weird, so I hope his explanation makes up for it.

This chapter is set in 7x07. Some things are changed.

Special thanks to jekkah!

I don't own criminal minds.

* * *

**Chapter 11: The painful truth**

JJ made her way through the hallway in a hurry. Henry was in her arms as she stopped in front of the apartment door. Her hand landed on the wood and the door opened within seconds.

''JJ?'' Will asked as he stood in his doorway. He didn't expect JJ to be standing on his doorstep. He was supposed to have Henry in two days. ''What are you doing here?''

''I got called in on a case. It's about some missing kids. They need me to come in.'' she explained quickly.

''I thought you had two days off.''

JJ nodded her head in annoyance. She didn't have time to explain herself to Will and she didn't want to as well. ''Can Henry stay with you?'' she asked. Will nodded as JJ lifted Henry into Will's arms. ''He felt a little warm about an hour ago, so I gave him some ibuprofen and I think it already kicked in.''

''Do have any idea when you'll be back?''

''No, I don't know. I have to go, Will.'' she said in a rush.

The anger was in Will's voice. He couldn't believe that JJ still didn't quit her job. He hoped she would understand that Henry was more important than her job. ''Nothing has changed. Your work is still more important than your own son.''

JJ turned around after hearing what Will had said. ''Don't start, Will. You don't get to judge me anymore. And please don't lecture Hotch about me!'' she said to him. She saw his eyes light up. ''Yeah, I heard what you said to him. Let it be, Will. Hotch is none of your business and I can stand up for myself.'' she said, keeping her voice low. She didn't want to yell in front of her son. She gave Henry a kiss on his head before leaving.

* * *

The team was in Kansas and ready to give the profile on the unsub. The team and the police was gathered in the station. JJ was standing next to Hotch. She hadn't been herself since she left Will with Henry. She just couldn't believe that Will was still interfering with her life. Her attention was back when her phone started ringing. She quickly apologized and put her phone back into her pocket. But it kept ringing and buzzing. She let it go when she had to present her part of the profile.

''We think he's using the weather as a forensic countermeasure to destroy evidence. But we also think he might be a some sort of symphorphiliac.'' she stated. Her phone rang at the end of the sentence. She saw it was Will again. ''Excuse me.'' she said before walking away. She felt Hotch's eyes on her as she walked into the hallway to pick up the phone.

''Will, what's going on?'' JJ asked with worry in her voice.

''_It's Henry. I took him to the hospital after he had a seizure._'' Will explained calmly, knowing JJ was really worried. _''The doctor said he's fine.''_

The worry was now taking over her voice. She couldn't believe that a seizure was good. ''Since when is a seizure fine?''

''_Look, the doctor said it's normal for kids his age.''_

''But his fever broke.'' she said, knowing Henry was doing fine when she dropped him off at Will's.

''_Yeah, it spiked again.''_

''Did you give him his medicine?''

''_No, he was okay.''_

''Did he feel warm?''

''_No.''_

''You checked, right?'' she asked angrily.

''_JJ!'' _he said softly._ ''Of course I did. What are you trying to say?''_

''Nothing. I…'' she stopped, realizing she didn't want to explain anything. ''Where is he now?''

''_He's resting. Just waiting for some paperwork and then we're going home.''_

''Okay, I'll call you when my flight arrives.''

''_You don't have to do that.''_

''Henry is sick. I'm coming home. Call you later.'' she said before hanging up the phone.

It was the exact moment when she hung up the phone, she heard Hotch coming up from behind her.

Hotch saw the blonde turned with her back to him. He knew something had to be wrong. JJ never walked out of a briefing without a real reason for it. ''What's wrong?''

She turned around to face him. The compassion was already in his eyes. Like he knew what happened. It brought some comfort over her and her voice was suddenly tender. ''Uh, it's Henry.'' she began. ''He had a febrile seizure. Will took him to the ER.'' she explained, noticing the immediate worry in his eyes. ''He…he's fine. Apparently it's totally normal. Look, I got to get back home.''

''Of course. Anything I can do?'' he asked softly, hoping JJ would let him do something.

''Can I borrow the jet?'' she asked, knowing the chance of that was very slim.

''I think the budget oversight comity might not appreciate my generosity.'' he explained quickly.

''Yeah, well. Worth a shot right?''

''Check in and let us know everything is alright.''

''Okay.'' she agreed.

Hotch wanted to catch up with JJ before he was stopped by Reid. He let Reid ramble and he left to go after JJ once Reid was gone. He was her standing in an empty office. It looked like she was making calls to get a flight back to DC. Her face wasn't looking happy and he knew it meant that she probably couldn't get an early flight.

He made his toward the office and he stepped inside. He closed the blinds so they had some privacy. He knew the team was busy with the case, but he didn't want to risk anything.

''JJ, I would like to make an appointment to talk to you.'' he announced.

JJ put the phone down in surprise. ''Sure, about what?''

''I just need to explain some things to you. I'll come by your apartment when you're home.''

''Hotch, I thought we talked about the distance. I'm moving on.''

''I know, but there are still some things I need to explain to you. You deserve to know.''

''Fine.'' she agreed. ''I'll see you soon then.''

* * *

It had been three days since JJ came home from Kansas. Henry was with her because Will had to work. She decided to take the week off because she needed to spent some time with him. She realized she missed so much and she would take all the time she had. Hotch hadn't stopped by and JJ tried not to think about it, but she couldn't help it. There was an urgency in his voice when he asked her to stop by. It sounded desperate enough for her to agree to his presence in her own apartment.

It was around eight and Henry was already asleep. JJ was sitting on the couch with a glass of wine, watching TV. She was wearing sweatpants and a simple tank top. She was comfortable on the couch when the knock on the door made her cringe. There were times when she still didn't feel safe in her own apartment, but she was learning to live with it. The attack still claimed her nightmares every once in a while, but she was doing a lot better.

''I'm coming.'' she called out before looking through the peephole. She was Hotch standing in his suit. He was probably on his way home from work. She opened the door and stepped aside to let him in. She followed him into the living room. ''Do you want something to drink?''

''No, thanks.'' Hotch said nervously. ''Can we sit?'' he asked kindly.

''Of course.''

He took a seat in across from JJ and he leaned forward. He was finally ready to say it. His secret had been killing him for months. He couldn't live with it anymore. It was becoming too much. ''I have to tell you something and I know this will hurt you. I know it will.'' he stumbled. ''But I have to.''

JJ sat straight up. ''Hotch, you're scaring me.''

''The way I've been acting in the past few months…well…there's a reason.'' he started. ''Will came to me a week after you were attacked. He just showed up late at the office one night.'' Hotch started to explain. He didn't know if he could really go through with this. ''He told me that he would take away Henry from you if I was going to be with you. He said he was going to file for full custody. He even showed me the papers.'' he went on. ''His threat was real, JJ.''

The disbelief was written all over JJ's face. Her eyes were starting to water. ''Are you telling me that Will was going to file for full custody if you and I got together? Are you telling me that the father of my son threatened you?'' she asked angrily.

''Yes.'' he answered simply.

''Oh my god.'' JJ cried out.

''I know I hurt you, JJ.'' he said. ''I wasn't supposed to talk to you about my feelings, but I did when I knew I couldn't be with you. That was wrong of me. I shouldn't have done that.'' he tried to explain. ''I have loved you all this time and I stayed with Beth to keep Will away. I didn't want you to lose your son, JJ.''

She was barely listening. Everything was adding up. The reason why Will had come back. The reason why Will talked to Hotch in the bullpen right after she left. ''Will talked you in the bullpen. He must have known I was there. He wanted to throw off suspicion.''

''I'm so sorry, JJ.'' he apologized in a whisper.

''I don't know what to say, Hotch. I'll talk to you next week.''

''Sure. Take all the time you need.'' he said as he rose from his chair. He made his way the door. He turned around after opening the door. JJ was standing right behind him. He saw the tears of betrayal in her eyes.

His gaze caught hers. She stepped forward and threw her arms around his neck. She buried her face in his chest as she let the tears fall. ''Thank you for telling me.'' she whispered. She pulled away when she stopped crying. They said their goodbyes. JJ closed the door behind him and she took another seat on the couch. She needed time to let everything sink in.


	12. No hard feelings

A/N: Another chapter. This chapter is set in 7x14.

Special thanks to jekkah and samcarter1980!

I don't own criminal minds.

* * *

**Chapter 12: No hard feelings**

Three months had passed by since JJ found out the truth about Will. There were still times when she just couldn't believe that he actually threatened Hotch. She hadn't confronted Will about it. The timing just never seemed right. It all just made her glad that she wasn't married to him anymore. Everything Will had become was exactly what JJ despised. When she first met him, he was everything she wanted in someone. But as time passed by, he seemed to become more controlling and unhappy in the relationship. She was fortunate enough to be able to escape the marriage when she wanted to. But in the process she lost a lot. She lost Hotch because she got divorced. The guilt had been consuming her in the past few months. She felt guilty for the way she had treated Hotch, but he should've told her something. Nothing had changed. They were still acting professional and personal conversations were barely part of their relationship. JJ was holding herself to the promise to move on. It was best for everyone who was involved. She had no idea where Hotch and Beth were standing. And to be honest, she didn't want to know. It was his personal life and she wanted to know nothing about it. It could only make her jealous and that was the last thing she wanted.

JJ snapped back to reality when Reid called out her name. She turned around to face her favorite genius. ''Yeah, I'm ready.'' she said as she held out her gun. They found the unsub and part of the team was about to raid the bar where he was holding his son hostage. She quietly followed Morgan inside. She received orders and she descended the stairs into the basement. She could hear yelling from the unsub. He was talking to his son. JJ stopped in her tracks when she had the unsub in clear sight.

''FBI!'' she called out. ''Michael Genesco, put the gun down!''

''He told me I wasn't his father.'' Michael said.

JJ was slowly getting closer, but she took her time. She didn't want to sent Michael into a panic. ''I'm sure he didn't mean that.'' she lied. ''Right Hunter?'' she asked, hoping Hunter would understand she was trying to get his father to surrender.

Hunter shook his head and JJ knew he understood what she was doing. ''You were frustrated.'' she suggested.

''I was hurt because of what happened to Doug.'' Hunter explained.

''That wasn't your fault.'' JJ added. ''Right Michael? It was an accident.''

''I would never hurt my son.'' Michael cried out as he kept pointing the gun at Hunter.

JJ was only getting closer while trying to subdue the unsub at the same time. ''Tell him how you feel.'' she said to Hunter. ''He raised you. No matter what, he will always be your real dad.'' she hinted.

Hunter shook his head in agreement. ''It's true.'' he added. ''You're always there for me. You're my dad.''

''Put your weapon down.'' JJ ordered.

''You put yours down!'' Michael yelled back.

''Okay.'' JJ said calmly as she was slowly motioning toward the ground to put her gun down. ''Okay.''

Next thing she knew, she was attacking the unsub. The adrenaline was pumping through her veins as she tried to remind herself that she had to stay in control. The last time she was in a fight, she lost and she nearly died. The flashbacks from her attack were resurfacing as the gun went off during the fight. Punches were thrown, kicks were delivered and a knife was used. The unsub threw JJ into the wall when Morgan entered the room. She managed to get the unsub on the ground. She suddenly saw fear in Morgan's eyes. She turned around and she saw that Hunter was holding the gun.

''Don't do it! Put it down!'' Morgan yelled.

''Hunter, give me the gun!'' JJ ordered kindly.

''He killed Doug.'' Hunter cried out. ''He was going to kill me.''

''I know.'' JJ said softly. ''But if you pull that trigger, it's going to be you who's going to prison and not him.''

''I didn't ask for any of this.''

''I know. I know.'' JJ said, recognizing the pain in his voice. ''Everything is going to be okay. Alright?'' she asked. ''You just got to trust me. Okay. Please.'' JJ said and she was finally able to get the gun away from him.

Hunter dropped to the ground in tears. JJ knelt down next to him after Morgan had arrested Michael. JJ and Hunter were the only ones left in the room. JJ put her hand on his back as he kept crying.

''Hunter, look at me.'' she encouraged softly. He finally looked up at her after a couple of seconds. ''I know you think your life is over, but it's not. What has happened isn't fair. You'll never forget what has happened. But there will be a moment when you realize that you're okay and that your life is worth living.''

''Thank you.'' he whispered as JJ helped him up from the ground.

JJ was startled when the medics suddenly entered the room. One of them helped Hunter up the stairs while another helped JJ. They made their way outside and JJ watched as Hunter was brought to his mom. JJ took a seat at the edge of the ambulance where Reid was standing as well. Reid was telling the medic what to do when JJ noticed Hotch stepping from SUV. Her focus was solely on him as he was walking toward her. His expression was completely blank. Normally, she was used to seeing worry on his face, but there wasn't even a hint of it.

''You okay?'' Hotch asked when he stopped in his tracks.

''I will be.'' JJ answered simply.

''I'll need to talk to you when we get back.'' Hotch said before he turned his back toward JJ and Reid.

Reid turned to JJ in astonishment. ''I don't know if you noticed, but Hotch acted really cold.''

''Oh, I didn't see it.'' JJ lied easily, standing up and walking away. She didn't want to go to the hospital. So, she just walked toward the SUV and stepped inside, waiting for the team to go back to the station.

* * *

JJ was sitting behind her desk when Morgan walked out of Hotch's office. He made his way toward JJ and he stopped next to her chair.

''Hey princes! You should get out of here.'' Morgan started. ''Even Hotch is going.''

''Really?''

''Yeah, he has a date with Beth. It is valentine's day, you know.'' he said, with joy in his voice. ''But I'm going out with my baby girl. See you princes!''

''Yeah, see you! Have fun.'' JJ said when Morgan was already halfway through the bullpen.

Hotch was going out with Beth? She just couldn't believe it. He was still with her. It was hurting JJ a lot. More than it should. She turned her focus back on the paperwork in front of her, but her mind was distracted when she heard familiar footsteps coming up from behind her.

''JJ, why are you still here?'' Hotch asked as he sat down on the edge of her desk. ''You should go home. Be with Henry.''

''I just want to finish this report and then I'll go home, Hotch.'' she said with the same distance he used before.

''Are you okay?''

''Yeah, I'm fine.'' she answered as she was typing on the keyboard. ''Good night!''

Hotch knew something was bothering her. JJ wasn't even making eye contact with him. ''What's wrong?''

''Are you still with Beth?'' she asked quickly, hoping he didn't mind her questioning him. ''I didn't want to ask, but Morgan said you were going on a date with her and I thought that I should just ask because…'' she rambled.

Hotch leaned forward and covered her mouth with two fingers to get her to stop talking. ''I told him I was going out with Beth because Morgan asked me to go out and I'm not really in the mood for a party right now.'' he explained with relief.

''Oh,'' It was all JJ could say. There were no other words in her mouth. She was surprised and relieved at the same time.

''Beth and I broke up before I told you about Will, JJ. I haven't been with her for almost four months.''

''I'm sorry.'' she mumbled.

Hotch shook his head. ''Don't be. It's not your fault. I did it all on my own.''

''Yeah, you did. Well, most of it. I'm not a saint in our story.'' she began. ''I cheated on my husband with my boss. That's not exactly a good thing.''

''To be honest, I didn't really mind.'' Hotch teased while he softly touched JJ's hand. ''And I was actually the one who started it, JJ. Remember?''

''How could I forget?''

''I guess you couldn't.'' he said while the heat suddenly started rising in the room. ''Would you like to get a drink in my office?'' he asked with a husky voice.

''Sure,'' she said, rising from her chair and following him to his office.

JJ stepped inside and Hotch closed the door behind her. She could hear him lock the door and it made her turn around immediately. ''Hotch, what are you doing?''

''I'm helping you remember.'' he answered, pushing JJ up against the door. The tension was rising as he pressed her against the door. ''Do you want this?''

''I do want this, Hotch. You know I do. But this didn't turn out well the last time. I just don't want to get hurt again.''

''I won't hurt you. I promise. I'm all yours, JJ.''

''Okay.'' she whispered against his lips. ''We should take…''

Before the words had left her lips, he angled his dark head toward hers. Their lips touched in soft brush. It was like a soft breeze of air. The kiss was soft and sweet at first, but then he deepened it. She clung to his shirt while she parted her lips to him. She couldn't breathe. His mouth settled over hers one more time before he pulled away.

''Wow.'' JJ breathed out.

''I know.''

He took a step back to give her some room, but it wasn't to stop. He let his suit jacket fall to the floor and he started unbuttoning his shirt.

''Hotch, stop!'' she said softly. ''As much as I want this, I just can't do this.''

He stopped with his shirt, knowing JJ was right. Passion and weakness were taking over their bodies. ''I know. You're right, JJ.'' he agreed.

''I'm so sorry.'' she said before leaving the office.

She hurried to the elevator and she dropped to the ground when she was inside. The emotions were still running high. She wanted it to happen, but it wasn't right. Too much had happened and she didn't know if any of their problems could ever be fixed.


	13. The beginning

A/N: I'm sorry for the long wait. Life has just been really crazy. I hope you all enjoy this chapter!

Special thanks to jekkah!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**Chapter 13: The beginning**

JJ didn't know what to do as she was pacing through the empty bullpen. It was really late. She was home when he called her. He asked to meet her at the BAU. She had no idea what is was about, but she was prepared for the worst. She knew him. She worked with him for a reasonable amount of time. He wasn't known for the type to overreact. So when he called, she knew to be ready for anything. She heard the glass doors open and she turned around, knowing he was there.

There he was in all his glory. The handsome agent who worked at the Pentagon. He had been JJ's partner when she worked there. He somehow had become one of her best friends without anyone knowing about it. It was something she liked to keep to herself. He was someone she learned to trust quickly. JJ even stayed in contact with him when she went back to the BAU.

''Hey,'' JJ greeted happily as she made her way towards her friend. ''It's really good to see you, Shawn.''

His hands went around JJ's body as he pulled her in for a friendly hug. ''I've missed you, JJ.'' he whispered into her blonde hair.

''Yeah….sure,'' she said, stepping aside, still trying to process the fact that he was there.

He walked past her and into the kitchenette where he leaned against the counter, so he could look at JJ. ''I almost didn't call you.'' he said softly. ''It took a lot of courage to call you because I didn't want to bother you.'' he stopped there when JJ walked closer toward him.

''Would you like some coffee?'' she asked, snapping out of her shock. ''I think there still might be a cup left in the pot.''

''No, I'm fine.'' he said quickly. ''I was up most of the night, and I'd rather not have the caffeine. I'm hoping to get some sleep when I get back home.''

''What's going on?'' she asked nervously. Something in his voice was urgent. She knew Shawn well enough to know something had to be really wrong.

He shook his head. ''Listen…about what happened to you,'' he began. ''It's all my fault. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have had Castillo arrested when we didn't have enough evidence to hold him until trial.''

JJ held up her hand to stop him. She analyzed his body language. The guilt was written all over him. ''It's okay. I know you didn't mean for me to be attacked.'' she reassured. ''And I'm really fine, Shawn. I promise. I just wished I didn't leave without saying goodbye to you. I'm sorry for leaving so abruptly, but the job at the Pentagon became too much to handle after everything that happened.'' she explained. ''I just couldn't go back there, Shawn.''

''I get it, JJ. I do.'' he agreed. ''But I need your help. And I don't know if you should get involved with this, but I can't do this alone.''

''Just tell me…'' JJ sighed deeply, knowing she could get into some bad things. The cases at the Pentagon hadn't been easy. At first she expected to just be a liaison. But she was quickly put into the field with Shawn and cases were coming to their desks. It were all kinds of cases. Most of them had to do with national security, but some involved the things she used to see at the BAU. ''What's the case?''

''Human trafficking.'' he answered simply. ''I should explain what we're asking of you, JJ. It's going to be a lot.''

''What do you need?'' JJ asked.

''We want to establish a cover for you and we want to ask you to go undercover in a couple of months.'' he started, but he stopped when someone else entered the bullpen.

''JJ, what are you doing here?'' Hotch asked when he saw her back turned toward him. JJ turned around and he finally saw a tall brown haired man stepping next to her. ''Hi.'' Hotch greeted the man.

JJ wasn't expecting Hotch at the office at that hour. ''Hotch, this is Shawn Griffin.'' JJ introduced as the two men shook hands.

Shawn took a step backwards as his eyes checked out the contact between JJ and Hotch. JJ talked a lot about Hotch when they worked together. ''You must be the infamous Aaron Hotchner, I presume. JJ used to talk about you all the time.''

''Really? And how do you know her?'' Hotch asked curiously with a hint of jealousy in his voice.

''Do we have a case?'' JJ interrupted. She took a file from Hotch's grip and she opened it. She scanned the file for the most important details. ''Serial rapist?''

''Yes.'' Hotch answered. ''I would like to talk to you in my office.''

''Sure,'' JJ agreed. She turned to Shawn while Hotch kept standing across from them. ''I'll call you with an answer. And it was really good to see you.'' she said before making her way into Hotch's office.

Hotch and Shawn were left alone in the bullpen. Both men were silent when the office door closed. Hotch took a deep breath, preparing himself to talk to the man in front of him but Shawn beat him to it.

''Would you mind if I asked a favor?'' Shawn asked.

''Go ahead.'' Hotch replied easily.

''Don't break JJ's heart, okay? I know she loves you, and I just want her to be happy.''

Hotch watched as Shawn turned around and left. As he walked to the elevator, he knew for certain Shawn was in love with her too. And at that same moment he felt a sharp pain go through his heart. He was afraid JJ might have moved on with someone else already.

He turned around to his office, but he stopped in front of it, knowing he had to talk to JJ. He knew something was going on and he wanted to know what was going on. He opened the door, then stopped. ''Who is he, JJ?'' he asked impatiently.

She rose from the chair and he knew the conversation was nearing to an end when JJ wanted to walk out of the office. He moved to the door and held JJ back by her arm.

''Shawn was my partner at the Pentagon. We worked on dozens of cases together. He's the one who arrested Dave Castillo, Hotch.'' she began to explain. ''He came by to ask me for a favor.''

''What kind of favor?'' he asked with worry.

''He wants me to go undercover for a human trafficking case.'' she answered. ''I know the case, actually. He and I worked on it right before I left the Pentagon.''

''Undercover? Are you crazy? That's too dangerous, JJ.''

''I know you want to protect me, but I made a promise to Shawn to help him close this case no matter what.'' JJ said defensively.

Hotch shook his head angrily. ''And I made a promise to Haley and she ended up dead!''

''That wasn't your fault. You did everything you possibly could.''

''No, I didn't.'' he said loudly. ''I could've made a deal with Foyet. I should've let that case go, but my obsession clouded my judgment, JJ. And that's exactly what's happening to you right now.'' he explained.

''Hotch, it's going to take time to close that case. But I know I can do it.''

'What makes you think there will be any new leads when you work on this case again?'' he asked fiercely.

''I don't know.''

''My obsession took me over, JJ.'' he started. ''And no matter what I did, she died, JJ.''

''Hotch…'' she began but he cut her off.

''I can't tell you what to do, JJ. But I can't stand by and watch this job destroy another person that I love.'' he said, knowing he wasn't supposed to say that to her.

He pulled her body closer as he claimed her lips. The kiss turned into a fight for dominance as their bodies molded together as one.

Hotch pulled away to catch his breath. ''I love you!'' he confessed again. ''And if that's not enough reason to not do this than I don't have any reason to wait for you.''

''I don't need your opinion, Hotch. This is a choice I have to make on my own. I just can't believe you would make an ultimatum regarding my job.'' she said, turning on her heels and storming out of his office. It had to be her own choice. It wasn't his and it never would be. He didn't have the right to decide for her.


	14. More lies

A/N: It feels like it has been years since I last updated. And I am really sorry. First my laptop crashed and now most of my stories are gone. And I also had a huge writers block. But here is next chapter. Hope you all enjoy!

Special thanks to jekkah and samcarter1980!

I don't own criminal minds

* * *

**Chapter 14: More lies**

''What's going on?'' Morgan asked as he slowly joined the team in the bullpen. He saw all of their faces turned toward Hotch's office. No one answered him. ''Guys?'' he asked impatiently.

''We don't know.'' Emily answered simply. She turned her attention back toward the office after answering the question. ''Are you guys experiencing déjà vu as well?''

''What are you talking about?'' Morgan asked, not knowing why everyone was acting extremely intense.

Emily stared at Morgan with a sad expression. ''Strauss, Hotch and JJ in his office with the blinds closed.''

Garcia sighed deeply before stepping next to Morgan. ''This can't be happening again.''

''Why would she leave again? She has no reason.'' Reid stated.

Rossi overheard their conversation and decided to join in. ''A lot has happened to her, kid. JJ has enough reasons to leave the BAU.'' he said sadly.

''Do you know something?'' Emily asked curiously.

Rossi shook his head. ''I don't know anything. I just know that JJ has had a heavy year.''

Rossi turned around and made his way back toward his office, where he started on his scotch. He didn't even want to think about JJ leaving again. The last time was already too hard for the team. Too much had happened for them to lose someone else they all loved.

JJ was pacing through Hotch's office while Strauss and Hotch were having a heated discussion about her situation. She never wanted her job to become so complicated. Hell, she didn't want Hotch to get involved. But he somehow managed to convince the Pentagon that she wasn't capable of going undercover. When she got the call, she couldn't believe what she was hearing. She made a promise to Shawn and now she couldn't hold it up. The anger was written all over her face. There was no way she was going to let Hotch get away with his actions. ''Ma'am, could I talk to agent Hotchner in private?'' she asked politely. ''I'll report to you as soon as possible.''

''Of course.'' Strauss said kindly. ''Aaron, I'll talk to you later.''

JJ sat down across from Hotch after Strauss left. ''That was uncalled for.'' she said angrily.

''What do you mean?''

She shook her head. ''You had no right to inform Strauss about Shawn.'' she replied. ''You didn't have the right to inform her about anything. This is my business. Not yours or anyone else's.'' she said as Hotch rose from his chair and came closer toward JJ. He leaned down on the edge of his desk, seeing the anger in her eyes.

''I'm sorry.'' he whispered. ''I worry about you, JJ.''

''I don't need anyone to worry about me, Hotch. I'm trying to get my life back on track, but your interference isn't making things easier for me.'' she explained. ''I guess I need some time. Time away from you. Away from this place.''

The shock hit him in the heart. He never expected to hear those words come out of her mouth. He didn't want to hear it at all. ''You think that's the right option?'' he asked emotionally. ''What about everything we've been through, JJ?''

''And what about trust?'' she shot back, rising from the chair. She turned her back toward him. ''Our timing has never been right. I can't do this now.''

''So, you are just going to walk out of here without ever coming back?''

She turned around. ''No, of course not. I would never do that.'' she answered, her voice shaky and tender. ''I was thinking about a leave of absence.''

''How long?''

''Six months at least.'' she said, knowing he wasn't happy to hear that. She knew her decision would hurt him, but it was the right thing to do. She needed some distance from her complicated life. ''It's what I think will be best.''

''Okay, if you really want this.'' he agreed. But in his heart he didn't agree. He wanted to have her close to him. He didn't want to live without her for six months or any longer. ''I'll e-mail the forms to you. You can mail them back to me after you filled them out.''

''Thank you.'' she said, shaking his hand friendly. ''I'll tell Strauss what's going on.''

''Just come back to us, JJ.'' he whispered, caressing her cheek. He leaned forward and put a kiss on her head. ''To me.''

She pulled away from him and quickly left the office. Outside, she saw the team looking at her with worried faces. She took a stand in front of them while she prepared to tell them what was going on. She didn't know how to tell them. They were the last people she wanted to disappoint. If anything she just wanted to let them know how much she loved them.

''Are you okay, JJ?'' Emily asked her friend. ''Are you in trouble or something?'' she guessed.

''No, not at all.'' she answered. ''But I've decided to take a leave of absence for a couple of months.''

''You what?'' Garcia exclaimed, causing everyone to look in their direction. ''You can't leave us again.''

''I'll come back, Pen. I just need some time alone with Henry.''

''Is this really what you want, princes?'' Derek asked.

JJ shook her head, knowing she wasn't even sure. All she knew was that she needed space from her job and messy love life. But maybe a break wasn't even enough anymore. It was like problems had only been stacking up and none of them seemed to leave her. ''It's what I need. I'm sorry.'' she apologized while looking into the sad eyes of Reid.

She pulled him into a hug and squeezed tightly. ''You're killing me, JJ.'' he mumbled.

''Sorry,'' she began. ''I should go guys. I don't want to make this any harder than it already is. I love you all.'' she said, taking steps backwards.

The team was standing together closely while JJ was slowly leaving the bullpen. She looked into Hotch's office one last time. She caught his gaze, knowing he was hurt. She left the bullpen quickly once she had found the courage to turn around.

She made her way through the hallways of the large building. She finally stopped in front of Strauss' office. The door was closed, but she stepped inside without knocking.

''Was that really necessary?'' she asked angrily.

Strauss rose from her chair. ''Calm down, Jennifer.'' she ordered calmly. ''This was the only way to throw off suspicion.''

''I get it. I just didn't want to lie to them. They're my family. I can't…'' she tried to say but Strauss caught her off.

''It was all we could do.'' Strauss added. ''Did they ask any questions?''

She shook her head. ''No, they didn't ask anything. They actually believed me. I deceived them once again.''

Strauss grabbed a file from her desk and handed it to JJ. ''I don't think you'll be sorry once you closed this case with Griffin.''

''I hope so.''

''Good luck. Be safe.'' Strauss said. ''I promise you that your job will still be here when you get back.''

''Thank you, ma'am.'' JJ said.

* * *

JJ sat down on her couch the moment she got home. The case file was on her lap. She needed to study every detail for the undercover operation. One little mistake could cause even more damage. JJ had thought it all through. At first she wasn't even sure if an undercover operation would be smart. But she was a great fit and she knew she could do it.

A knock on the door made her jump up immediately. She looked through the peephole and saw Shawn standing in front of her door. She opened the door and greeted him. ''Hey.''

''Hi,'' he said. ''Are you ready?''

''I am.'' she replied, putting on her coat. She saw that Shawn grabbed her bags. ''Thanks.''

''I'll put these in the car. I'll wait for you there.'' he said before leaving her apartment.

''Yeah.'' she agreed, turning around in the living room. She looked around not knowing how long she was going to be gone. Henry was going to stay with Will. He knew some details, but not everything. It felt hard to leave because she had no idea how long she was going to be gone. She finally walked out of the apartment and closed the door behind her. Deep down she knew this was a whole new chapter of her life. She just didn't know how she felt about it yet.


	15. Realization

**A/N: This chapter is set in 7x23 – 7x24. I changed details from the episode to fit into my story. Will isn't in this chapter.**

**I just want to let you guys know that I have no idea how this story is going to end. I just wanted to let you know.**

**Special thanks to samcarter1980, OliviaC13 and jekkah!**

**I don't own criminal minds!**

* * *

**Chapter 15: Realization**

**Seven months later…**

JJ was sitting in the small apartment that had been her home for nearly seven months. She had uncovered new leads to look into but none of them seemed be solid enough to make arrests. But she was just busy with a new lead when a knock on the door made her jump from the chair. She had no idea who could be knocking on her door. She looked through the peephole and she was surprised to see Shawn standing on the other side of the door.

''Shawn?'' JJ asked, opening the door with a gasp. ''What are you doing here?''

He stepped inside without an invitation. ''I have some news for you.'' he said sadly.

''What?''

''A member of your team has been taken hostage in Colonial Liberty Bank. Strauss called me and she ordered me to inform you. They need us on the scene, JJ.''

''Oh my god.'' she exclaimed, putting on her coat in a hurry. ''Who was taken hostage?''

Shawn didn't want to answer that question, knowing it would only sent JJ in a panic. ''I brought your gun and badge.''

''Shawn! Who?'' she pleaded. His face was filled with sadness. ''Who?'' she begged.

''It's Aaron Hotchner.'' he confessed. ''FBI and State asked if we could run point on this.'' he explained.

''We have to go!'' JJ said quickly as she disappeared into the hallway, followed by Shawn.

* * *

During the ride to the bank JJ hadn't said a word. Her mind was racing as she thought about Hotch. She couldn't lose him like this. All the drama she had felt, suddenly disappeared. She knew how short life could be and she still walked away from him. The regret was now eating away at her.

''Don't do that!'' Shawn said.

JJ was gazing outside, her mind racing and remembering the mistakes she had made in the past. ''What?''

''Go all quiet.''

''What am I supposed to do?'' she asked with tears in her eyes.

He put a hand on her shoulder to try and comfort her, but JJ immediately pulled away. ''Yell.''

''I can't.''

''You can't blame yourself. This is not your fault!''

The tears were now falling onto her clothes. ''You want to bet!'' she replied, her voice harsh and angry. ''I should have never taken this assignment.''

''You're a federal agent. This is your job, JJ.''

''I know. But is this job really more important than the people we love?'' she asked. ''Am I supposed to put my job ahead of my family and friends every single time?''

''You have no idea that this would happen, JJ. There's no one to blame.''

''I just can't lose him. I love him, Shawn. And I've been avoiding him because I was afraid to get hurt again. I acted like a coward and I hate myself for it.'' she explained with fear in her expression. ''He is my everything.''

''You won't lose him, JJ. I promise!''

JJ wanted to believe Shawn more than anything, but with their jobs anything could happen. She knew that better than anyone. Their jobs could take them from bad to worse. There was no way to see the outcome.

* * *

Shawn and JJ arrived at the scene about twenty minutes later. They raced through the traffic without saying a word. JJ could only think about Hotch and Shawn tried to imagine what it was like for JJ but he couldn't. Yes, he loved someone deeply. But he had never seen a love as fierce as the one JJ had for Hotch. It seemed to hold no bounds.

Their thoughts were still racing as they approached the team who was talking to each other in urgency.

''JJ!'' Emily called out. ''We tried to call you, but you never picked up.''

''I'll explain later.'' she said, looking het team in the eye. ''Could you guys tell us what's happening?''

''Do you know that Hotch is in there?'' Reid asked sadly.

''Yes,'' she replied.

She was about to say something when a loud bang silenced her. She was forced to the ground, realizing a bomb exploded in the bank. The force of the blast had knocked everyone to the floor. The sound had caused rings in JJ's ears. Glass was everywhere and smoke spread, taking over her vision. But it wasn't until the smell of burnt flesh got into her nostrils that she tried to get up. Her legs gave in, but she wasn't giving up. She was finally able to stand up. She turned to the bank where she saw smoke and fire coming from.

''Hotch!'' she yelled out frantically. ''Hotch!'' she cried out. Her screams had turned into sobs as she started to approach the bank. She suddenly felt two strong arms around her waist, keeping her from going into the bank.

''JJ, don't!'' Shawn said as he held her back. His head was bleeding and the his side was aching like hell.

''Let me go now!'' she yelled loudly, struggling against his grip but he didn't let go. She knew he wasn't going to let her in. She unexpectedly slammed her elbow into his stomach which caused him to let go. She ran forward the moment she was free. Her feet started to take on a life of its own. Every ounce of pain disappeared. She only needed to find Hotch.

As she finally walked into the bank she heard the voices of the team behind her. But she didn't stop. Instead, she carefully walked around the debris of the blast. She saw bodies everywhere and it scared her, realizing all those people had families. But she was selfish enough to think about Hotch. She moved around a corner where the damage seemed to be less severe. She saw two older people sitting against a wall. Their faces were covered in cuts and dust. JJ stopped and kneeled down in front of them.

''We will get you out of here!'' she promised.

Emily kneeled down next to JJ. She knew her friend was looking for Hotch. Her face was filled with terror. She knew JJ loved Hotch. The tension had always been there. ''Go JJ! I'll stay here.'' Emily reassured.

JJ was on her feet again when she suddenly saw a familiar suit jacket. She realized she found Hotch. He was only a couple of feet away. She ran toward him. His eyes were closed and his face was covered in dust from the debris.

''Aaron?'' she called out as she kneeled down next to his lifeless body. She checked his pulse and she felt nothing. There was no heartbeat. ''Aaron!'' she yelled out once more. His body was still limp. The tears streamed down her face. She realized she needed to perform CPR immediately. Morgan quickly kneeled down on the other side. ''He has no pulse!'' she said to him.

Morgan saw that JJ wasn't capable of doing anything. Her face was pale as if the life was drained from her entire body. ''I need you to move away.'' he said loudly.

As JJ sat back, she watched as Morgan started to perform CPR. Tears kept coming as she saw the still lifeless body of the man she loved. She heard Morgan counting. 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 over and over again. And then again as he kept doing the compressions he kept counting.


	16. Heartbeat

A/N: I am sorry for the long wait on this story!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**Chapter 16: Heartbeat**

JJ fought back the tears as she was sitting in the chair. People were passing her by but she didn't even have the energy to acknowledge anyone's presence. She could only see Hotch's lifeless body in front of her eyes. She could still hear Morgan counting as he performed CPR on the man she loved. She couldn't believe in the reality of the situation. This wasn't supposed to happen. She never really thought about what could happen. Not once did she thought about losing the man she loved and it made her angry. The anger was boiling on the inside. And questions were racing through her head. _What if he dies? Why didn't I give him a second chance? Will he ever forgive me?_

''JJ?'' Emily called out as she approached her friend but she didn't even look up. ''JJ?''

After she heard her name again she finally took the time to look up at Emily. ''What?'' she snapped.

''Is there any news?''

''No, they took him into surgery after the ambulance arrived. I haven't gotten any news yet.'' she whispered in response. ''I need him to be fine, Emily. I can't do this without him.''

Emily took JJ's hand in hers and squeezed it softly. ''I know, JJ. We all need him to fight.''

Then a tear finally fell down her face. She could no longer hold back the emotions that had bottled up inside her. She tried to keep her breathing steady but nothing seemed to keep her from breaking down. Her breaths became shallow as she rose from the chair and started pacing up and down the hallway. She felt her head become lighter with each step she took. It was like her body started floating and she suddenly fell to the floor while everything went dark.

* * *

JJ's head was throbbing when her eyes fluttered open. She smell if disinfectant reached her nostrils and she realized where she was. She was in the hospital. She was in the waiting area, hoping to get news on Hotch. But right now she was in a bed and she didn't even remember how she got there. She looked at her side and she saw that Shawn was asleep in the chair next to the bed.

''Shawn?'' JJ called out as she sat up in the bed.

Shawn opened his eyes. He was up when he realized JJ was finally awake. The worry was written all over his face. ''JJ!'' he said happily. ''How are you feeling?''

JJ didn't respond to him. ''I need to get out of here.'' she started. ''Where am I? What happened?'' she wondered out loud.

''JJ, stop!'' Shawn ordered with his bossy voice. ''You need to stop.''

''I can't stop, Shawn. Aaron is somewhere in this hospital and I need to find him right now.''

''You passed out, JJ. You need be careful right now. You were unconscious for five hours.''

''I don't care.'' she replied. ''I need to find Aaron. Where is he?''

Rossi walked into the room after he heard the commotion. ''He's in the ICU, JJ.'' Rossi answered sadly, remembering every word the doctor had told him. It wasn't good. It was actually horrifying.

''How is he?'' she asked in a panic. ''Tell me the truth, Dave!'' she cried out.

Rossi walked to the side of the bed and took JJ's hand. ''He only has a few hours, JJ. There was nothing they could do in surgery because he was too weak to survive the surgery.''

''No.'' she cried out. ''This can't be happening.''

Rossi pulled JJ against him warm body and let her sob against his chest. He could feel her body shaking in his arms. ''You need to say goodbye, kiddo.''

''How am I supposed to say goodbye to him? How could I possibly do that Rossi?'' JJ cried as she looked over his shoulder. She gazed into the eyes of Shawn and she could see the compassion in his eyes. He had always been there for her and she knew now wouldn't be any different.

''I'll take you.'' Rossi promised. ''Get changed. You don't have much time, JJ.''

JJ stepped from the bed after Sean and Rossi went into the hallway. The reality hadn't sunk in yet. Rossi's words were still somewhere floating around in the universe. She couldn't believe it. But it was real. She had to say goodbye and that was going to be impossible.

* * *

JJ put each foot in front of the other as she walked into the room where Hotch was. Rossi explained that he was in and out of consciousness and that he didn't have much more time. His internal bleeding would ultimately kill him. The surgeons couldn't help him because his body was too weak for the surgery. Their only hope was to put him in ICU and see what was going to happen but his situation was worsening by the hour and there was nothing that could be done for him.

JJ silently made her way to the bed and sat down on the edge. His face was pale but nothing about him had changed. Looking at him caused her to flash back to her wedding day. It was the day she always dreamed of but she didn't marry the right man. She wished Hotch would've been the groom that day. She wished she had told him sooner how she truly felt about him.

''Aaron?'' she whispered softly, hoping he could hear her. ''I love you.'' she said, her voice soft and tender. A tear escaped her eye and fell down on his hand. She took his hand and held it. She reached out to cup his face when his eyes fluttered open. His eyes looked distant.

''JJ?'' Hotch asked hoarsely. He could feel the pain in each part of his body. He knew what was happening. He already said goodbye to the team and Jack. But he could barely remember it anymore. ''You're here.''

''Of course, I am.'' she cried out. ''I am so sorry.''

''It's okay.'' he said.

''No, it's not. This isn't okay.'' she said, moving closer towards him. ''You can't leave us. You can't leave me! And what about Jack?''

''Come here.'' he whispered as he moved his hands away from his chest. He felt JJ lay down against his aching body. The pressure of her petite frame hurt like hell but he wanted to be close to her. ''You're going to be fine.''

''I can't imagine my life without you.'' she contradicted. ''I love you, Aaron.'' she said as she listened to his heartbeat. She used to listen to his heartbeat after they had nights of passion. It was the thing that reminded her how precious life was and that she was lucky to have him.

''I love you too, JJ. I've always loved you.''

''I wish I hadn't left. I wish I gave us another shot. I am sorry.''

''Don't be. Please don't blame yourself, JJ.'' he stumbled. ''We've had great moments together and I wouldn't trade it for the world.''

JJ knew he was right but she still had regrets. She felt his arms around her weakening. His hands were sliding down her back and she knew it was happening. She could see it in his eyes. It was like the life was slowly leaving them. ''I love you so much.'' she whispered against his lips.

''Take care of Jack. Tell him I love him and that I will never leave his side.'' he croaked out. He was fighting to stay awake. ''I'll always love you. Forever and always.'' he said, taking his last breath as he inhaled JJ's scent. She smelt like heaven and that was exactly where he was going.

JJ heard his heartbeat stop and she knew that was it. She buried herself against his body. The tears kept streaming down her face and she knew he was gone. She would never talk to him again. The realization finally hit her and took over her cries.

* * *

**A/N: I've been going back and forth, trying to decide and ending for this. And this ending felt right to me. I've always written the happy ending but in this story it didn't feel natural. I didn't know it would turn out like this because this story originated from a one-shot. After this chapter there will only be an epilogue. I am sorry for this chapter!**

**Special thanks to Westie80 (I like your new name! And I hope you don't hate me after you're done reading this. And I would like to thank you for your ongoing support with all my stories. It is what keeps me going!), guest and jekkah (Thank you so much for reviewing every single chapter! It means the world to me and I can't thank you enough.)**


	17. Epilogue

A/N: This is the last chapter of this story. I hope everyone liked this story. I had a hard time writing it but I am quite happy with the way it turned out. I didn't like that I killed Hotch but it felt like the right thing.

Special thanks to Westie80 and jenny crum!

I don't own criminal minds!

* * *

**Epilogue**

JJ stared through the kitchen window. She had been standing in the same spot for minutes. It had been two days and she never closed her eyes. She couldn't. The regret was eating away at her but it wasn't just that. The thought of never being with him was devastating. Knowing she would never be in his arms again or that he could never be a father to Jack again. It was destroying her.

The team hadn't left her alone in the past two days. They sent Henry to stay with Will while JJ started the grieving process. It mostly consisted out of denial and crying. Her first breakdown was when she needed to leave his body behind in the hospital. Morgan had to pull her out of the bed so the nurses could take him away. She had been fighting reality with every chance she got. It was her way of coping.

''He wouldn't want to see you like this.'' Rossi stated as he moved into the kitchen. He noticed that JJ was wearing a beautiful black dress. Her hair was in a fancy ponytail and she had some make-up on her face.

JJ turned around to face her new boss and friend. It had already become clear that he was taking over after Hotch's death. It didn't sit right with Morgan to take over Hotch's post. He couldn't do it so Rossi decided to step into Hotch's shoes. ''He's no longer here, Dave.''

''Aaron wanted me to give this to you.'' he said, handing JJ a folded piece of paper. ''And this.'' he added as he put a beautiful diamond ring in JJ's hand. ''Just read it.'' Rossi suggested when she was about to say something.

JJ started to unfold the letter while Rossi left the room in a hurry. At the end of it, she noticed the words ''Yours forever, Aaron''. She knew immediately what it was. She made her way to the couch and sat down before she started reading.

_My Dearest JJ,_

_I've just received the terrifying news from the doctor. I am dying within hours and right now I am barely registering what's happening. It feels like my body is about to explode and every part of me hurts. But before I go, there are some things you need to know. Things you deserve to know even if I won't be the person to say them out loud._

_You have been a true blessing in my life. When you came into my life eight years ago I would've never expected that our friendship would turn into such a complicated relationship. But that doesn't mean I regret a moment of it. Because I don't! I really don't, JJ. Sure, we had our ups and downs and we were never in a real relationship but that doesn't take away what I feel for you or how much I've always loved you. That first night we spent together changed my life. I realized what I had been missing out on for so long. That night wasn't just about comfort because when I was with you I felt loved. In those moments I already loved you, JJ. I think I have ever since I met you at the academy._

_My entire life I always wondered what true love really meant and I think I found it in you. It means that ,yes, your life can be complicated but in the end it doesn't change how you truly feel about that one person. It means that you care more deeply for them than you do yourself. It's about overcoming the struggles that life throws at you and if you do, you will find that one true love. Without you, I would've never learned about true love but I did meet you and I fell in love with you. Our time together is something I would never change. The small amount of time we spent together was the best time of my life._

_I know I am not supposed to ask you any favors. Especially after everything I did to you, but there's one thing I need from you. It will probably be biggest thing I have ever asked anyone to do for me. But I trust you more than anyone. So here's what I am asking you do to. __Take care of Jack for me. Please!_

_When Haley died I promised her that I would show him love and you are it. You're the closest thing to love I have experienced in the last years of my life and I know you can take care of him. When I see you with Henry I know you would do anything to protect him and I want that for Jack. I know you love him like your own son and that's why I choose you to raise him. You'll probably wonder why I don't want Jessica to raise him. It's because I believe that Jack will be happier with you._

_If you don't want to do this for any reason I will understand. I will never blame you, JJ. You have your own life and if you want to move on from the past I can understand that. So the choice is yours._

_There's so much I want to say in this short amount of time but there will never be enough time for me to explain how much I love you. I still have to say goodbye to Jack, Jessica, the team and hopefully I'll get to say goodbye to you. Right now Dave is writing this down for me because I don't have the energy within me._

_You're my one and only, JJ. No matter where I go, I will never leave your side. I know I'll always live in your memories and in your heart. So with every breath you take I want you to remember how lucky you are to be alive and I need you to enjoy your life for us. Make the best out of it. Meet someone new who will drive you crazy because I want you to have the life you always wanted._

_My heart has been yours since the day I told you I loved you. I am sorry for not showing that every single day. I failed you, JJ. I would move around the world to take away the pain you're feeling. Just know that I never meant to hurt you. It was never my intention. I always dreamed about spending the rest of my life with you. The ring Dave will give you is the symbol of my eternal love for you. I was supposed to put it on your finger after I asked you if you wanted to be my wife. I know I'll never get that chance but I still want you to keep it as a reminder of how much I loved you and always will._

_It's time for me to say goodbye. I can finally understand the sentence ''It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.''_

_May your life be filled with love and laughter…_

_I love you!_

_Yours forever,_

_Aaron_

Tears were cascading down JJ's face as she read the letter. Every single word was like a knife cutting through her heart. She was angry and happy at the same time. She was angry that he asked her to take care of Jack but she knew she would do it. She would always honor Hotch's requests. She was just afraid she would never be enough for the little boy. But she had to try. He deserved that much from her.

On the other hand JJ's mind was put at ease, knowing he how much he loved her and that he planned a future with her. She felt the same way. And as she held the ring in her hand she realized how lucky she was to have him in her life.

''JJ!'' a voice called out. ''We have to go!''

JJ turned around to see Will standing behind her. He was the last person she expected to see. She didn't think he would even consider to go to Hotch's funeral.

JJ rose from the couch and walked towards him. ''Thank you for coming.'' she cried out as she flew into his arms.

''Always.'' Will whispered. ''I will always be here for you, JJ. I am so sorry for your loss.''

''Thanks, Will.'' JJ said as she still had the letter and ring in her hand. She walked to the desk and put the letter in a drawer.

''What's that?'' Will asked noticing the ring in JJ's hand. ''Was Hotch going to propose to you?''

''Yes,'' she answered as she took off her necklace. She slipped the ring on the necklace and put it back on.

Will was at a loss for words. He always knew JJ was in love Hotch. He was never enough for JJ and that still hurt him but he was happy that JJ found that one person that meant the world to her. ''It's time to go, JJ. You have to say goodbye.''

''I know.'' she whispered as she followed Will out the door. She didn't want to say goodbye and every part of her was fighting but she had to go. It was what Hotch would've wanted. So she had to say goodbye.

* * *

**''Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.''**

**Unknown**


End file.
